Grief…

 Grief can affect us in so many ways. Does it go away?? I don’t think so, the pain eases but it doesn’t ever go away. And it doesn’t need much for it to return, a song, a photo, a memory or a date will bring it back in waves.

The last few months with my son relapsing and falling back into drugs stirred up many buried memories and I grieved. I grieved for the son I had and I thought I’d lost again. I’d lost him for many years once before. Drugs turn him into a completely different person, a person I didn’t like, a person I didn’t raise him to be. Thankfully this time around he came out of it quickly, something I did not expect. 

Yesterday was my and hubby’s anniversary, 44 years together. Not bad for a relationship that many said would never last 😍. Yesterday we also grieved for the loss of our Paul as yesterday 10 years ago he told us he had terminal cancer. 

All the grief I have buried every now and then raises its head. Sometimes I can just weep and remember the good times, others the emotions overflow and I try unsuccessfully to not let them over power me. I get insomnia, I over eat, I get emotional and shut myself off just to name a few things. 

Life is not easy and it is ohhh so short. Today I am trying to embrace it. I have been scrapbooking and laughing and enjoying some lovely memories. I also rang my superannuation fund and closed off my account. I am no longer in paid employment and not receiving any wages. Hopefully I’m over the worst of the cataract surgery I’ve just had and ready to do it on the 2nd eye in a few weeks. Then heal from both, see the eye surgeon and be signed off….see the optician see if I need glasses…..then fingers crossed we can go away for a few weeks. 

I’d love to go for a cruise, love cruise ships and sailing the seas. 

Anyways….lets see what happens. 

Weigh in day, a sts.  I’ve cancelled ww, I’m not using the app anymore. Not many of the people I interacted with on there are there anymore. I’m going it alone again for awhile. See what happens. 

Catch you next time. 

Where to start….

 Ok…I finished up last blog with Shawn going back to work with dirty hands. After a few scrubbings they did come clean then he was sent for a fit for work assessment and urinalysis. He did the work assessment but didn’t do the urinalysis till 2 days later. Work accused him of trying to get out of the test to give him time to clear the system….as the test came back negative. Unbeknown to me he had been clean from for a few days. He also rang me and asked if he could home as he was drug free and couldn’t live the life he was living anymore. We agreed, and apart from him eating us out of house and home all is going well. But he also came home with the flu. I was booked in for cataract surgery later that week so I bought him some cold and flu meds including nasal inhalers and cough lollies. 

Anyways work told him he had to have a work clearance and another urinalysis before he could start his shifts. Done that on the day but that one came back positive. We believe it was the cold and flu meds which gave a false reading. A clinical nurse we spoke to agreed, but his work has dismissed him as he has broken their code of conduct. We’ve had a meeting with them but they don’t believe us. Instant dismissal. 

So son is home, clean from drugs and back to his normal self and now also jobless. 

So it’s been a roller coaster ride these past few weeks. Emotions have been all over the place. Weight has been put on but now my eye is healing from the cataract surgery, son is healthy again. Hand is healing ok, had another hand therapy session yesterday, the therapist was happy with progress…..so maybe, just maybe I can get my shit together and get myself back on track. Ughhhhhhh I need too, my clothes are tight.  I am now home full time as well as I have fully resigned, I no longer do any paid work. 

Right, till next time …..