Thursday, October 29, 2015

Another week

It was school sports carnival this week and my grandees did well. Miss Ashlee was her age champion girl…..and Master Matthew did very well. 
A few tears were had by them all as Daddy wasn't there to talk to them and hug them on their achievements….but I am sure he was watching from above. 

It was also Simon's and Tracey's boys up in Collie's sports day too and both boys made champion boys….how cool is that?
Unfortunately I never got to see any of the sports days as I had to work, but hopefully I will be able to attend the inter school sports carnival and see at least some of them race.

I was feeling very lethargic last week, too tired to get out of the way of my own shadow. Housework has suffered, a long way behind in some chores. Luckily no extra shifts at work as I don't think I could have managed them. 
Starting to feel a little better these past few days.
Weight watchers weigh in today, a sts the same which I sort of expected, I haven't been focused.  
Tomorrow I am heading up to Mandurah to meet with a girlfriend, then we heading to Rockingham to meet up with our other friend. Looking forward to spending some time with my bestest friends. 

Ohhh by the way….its not decided yet but hubby and I are thinking of doing another cruise. The South Pacific and Auckland, Taruanga, and Bay of Islands is on the cards…..anyone near there?

Thursday, October 22, 2015

My week..

Kylee put these up on Facebook for me yesterday….her Master Independent likes to feed himself now…this is the outcome. How cute is he? Wish everyday they lived closer….

Its been a good week for me…
I have had extra hours at work so I have kept myself busy, the busier I am the less time I have to think about everything. 
I have also been concentrating on my weight watchers. I am doing filling and healthy again. Having the tracker back on my pc has me planning my meals again….and all my efforts were rewarded at wi this morning with a discard of 2.1. Still a long way to go, but I feel better that a start has been made.
I also went and got myself a tattoo. Those birds that keep flying into Paul's when we visit Tanya were my inspiration. 
Neither Ted or I are a lover of tattoo's but I felt it was something I had to do, so I did. 

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

50% off

Weight Watchers are having a 50% off sale my girlfriend messaged me so I came home from work today, hopped online registered and payed up for the 3 months. I sooooo have to do something…I am expanding more everyday. I am uncomfortable, my clothes don't fit and I am getting very depressed about it….which leads me to eat more !!! 
Meetings are on Thursday with the lovely Belinda who helped me get to my goal in 2007. Now at this stage I am not looking at any goals other than too lose weight and fit into my clothes, well the clothes I was wearing before Paul got sick. I am working tomorrow so I am going to the meeting tonight to get all the details so when next Thursday rolls around I should have a full week of being "on track" to weigh in.
I know its going to a hard journey this time, but just hitting that "register now" key on my computer today and paying to join did bring a sigh of relief. I can't do this on my own…tried and keep failing. All the failures have just led to me eating more….
I know my head is not in the right space for much lately, I cry at the drop of a hat,  I keep forgetting things, I am lethargic, I have so many things that need to be done but I can't summon the energy or I just can't be bothered.  Grief is horrible…losing Paul the way we did was horrible. Its so unfair. Its bought back memories of losing my brother, Ted's 2 brothers, Roses, my Dad, and all the others like Ted's cousin a few weeks before Paul in a truck accident, so many we have lost in all different ways and all before their time. Its sux. I know from all the losses we have had that time does heal to a certain extent but the pain never really goes away. Little things like the other day I walked passed a man who was wearing the same Old Spice after shave as Dad used to and the tears flowed again….
Anyways I am off to shower and get ready for meeting before I change my mind. 

Saturday, October 10, 2015


Today Paul has been gone 4 weeks. 
His little family are really struggling….all in different ways. Tanya struggles every day with her own grief, and all the paperwork that has to be sorted and then has to deal with all the emotions the kids have too.  Its so unfair.
I was down there on Thursday and we all had a chat and cry together. My 2 doves flew in whilst I was there, how can they not be an omen.
Ted is okay as he can be, he doesn't say a lot but sometimes I see him stop and just look into space and the wipe away a tear. We try to talk about Paul (and Roses) and have a smile and sometimes a laugh at our memories.  
Tears still flow, I often wake up with tears on my face. Talking with Simon, Shawn and Kylee and they flow. Little things….
I wonder why this world has been so cruel to us. We just keep on losing.
The other kids are having their moments too. Simon has gone up to Onslow to work. Lots of memories up there for him, thats where he and Paul had a lot of their teenage and early 20's together, we lived up there for over 14 years.  No work down here for him, or not enough to support his family….the last 6 months he has had only casual work and they were getting behind….so he is working 20 days away, 10 days home. Shawn comes up to work and sees me for a chat when he can, he at least has stayed out of trouble, I prayed he wouldn't go off the rails as he has a tendency to do so when he gets upset… Kylee…she just wants to come home. 
My anxiety attacks seem to be under control….I've had one more since I saw the Dr and practised what he showed me to do and I was able to breathe through it. Scary much though..
My thoughts are all over the place, jumbled…trying to write whats on my mind but that keeps on jumping from one thing to another…just can't get it down.

Tomorrow its 14 years since I lost my beloved Dad..
Hope you are taking Paul fishing Dad.  xx

Thursday, October 01, 2015

Some days ……

…….are better than others…
Work is so hard, putting on a "face" to the public, when inside all you want to do is go home. Meeting people you know is hard and of course they want to talk about Paul, his cancer, his funeral and that is hard. Harder still is when they just reach out and hug you …. then the tears just don't stop. 
Seeing Tanya and the kids is hard too, they are like us trying to be brave and carrying on as normally as  they can. Kids are all in different stages of grief…but Tanya is coping with them. Comfort comes when we are down there and the 2 doves that were there on the day of his funeral come visiting too , we have seen them every time we been there now.
We went out to a 60th birthday party on Saturday, the husband of one my friends. It was very quiet party, just a few of their close friends, none that Ted and I knew, though I did know one other lady. We didn't stay long, neither of us were in the mood for celebrating.  I had what I think was a "anxiety attack" whilst there, scared the heck out of us both. I just felt sick to the stomach, felt dizzy, my heart started racing, started sweating and as soon as I stopped sweating I started feeling okay again…I had one at work too the other day too. I am seeing the Dr today and will talk to him about this, hope its something I doesn't happen again. 
Hearing a song on the radio that was played at his funeral had me in a blubbering mess on the drive home from work yesterday….I had to pull over as I couldn't see...