Wandering down memory lane....

Above is me 2005 to 2011...when I felt great, loved myself... and was happy in my skin. 

Above is a pic that hubby snapped of me in England without me knowing when on holiday in 2018. I had lost weight before I left..but looking at that ^^^^ you wouldn't think so.

My lovely Dr gave me this below.....
 You’re careful for a while, lose some weight, and improve your fitness… then gradually revert back to your old ways.

You know exactly what to do, but can’t seem to do it. You feel like you could write a diet book with everything you know about weight loss. But you don’t act on it.

The truth is, there’s a huge difference between knowing what to do and actually doing it. It’s easy to hop from one diet to the next without ever sticking with anything. Success (or lack thereof) comes down to our mindset, psychology, and habits.

And my problem is I think....

My lack of success is the fear of succeeding ....even though I have succeeded before and kept the weight off for 5 years ..... 2005/6 to 2011 then the yo-yoing began again.

So where do I go to from here...Im not sure yet.

Ive been trying to do low calories/low carb. That has been working but I keep caving in and looking for carbs.....mainly pastry!!

Thinking of going back to lazy keto....tried it yesterday but failed after dinner....but I'm not giving in YET. Trying it again today.

My son said to me this morning, as he sat here drinking his coffee with me while I was writing this, "why do you persist in dieting, you are nearly 65, don't you think its time to just stop and live your life and eat what and when you like"

Wish I could son....but I know I would end up fatter than ever!!

Missing my Mum

 Really really missing Mum lately. Actually the last few weeks. Could be that my sister married her long time partner and us siblings would be all together again....

Could be that I am struggling with my weight again. Getting sore back and aches and pains, constantly waking up in the morning with my back all stiff and me struggling to move. Weight is yo-yo'ing, last week I gained, the week before I lost. Sometimes I really just wonder why I bother, BUT I know if I don't I will balloon again and I don't ever want to get up into 3 figure numbers again. 

And I know Mum would not be happy with me. She was always on my back about my weight....always. She knew how I struggled with my thyroid and how upset I would get about it. Many a time I cried  to her that I wished I had her metabolism...she was tiny and never gained weight. 

Yesterday at work I was having a real down day. Was really missing mum and was wishing that I could just pick up my phone and ring her. I could have done with one of our regular natters. Then in front of me was a feather, and I knew once again Mum was close by and was comforting me.  The day of her funeral as Mums coffin was lowered I was crying and looking up. Up above her grave a bird was flying around...it had to be Mum saying she was free. And every time I have visited her grave a bird has been there in the trees or sitting on her gravestone. Over time since Mum has passed I have found feathers in some very unusual spots, they are I believe from Mum. 

My sister has a night flower that belonged to Mum. It had never flowered until Mum died. It flowered just after Mum passed. And it flowered last Saturday when she got married.  I can tell you these things do bring comfort to us both. 

Tears are flowing, its lovely to remember but the ache of missing her is always there.