Saturday, April 30, 2016

On the mend

So many times I pick up the phone and to ring Mum and tell her something that has happened….before I realise I can't. 
….and I still ring Paul's phone just to hear his voice on his message bank….
The loss of Mum seems to have intensified the grief inside me and I cry at any little memory of all those that I have lost in the past, even my brother who has been gone 37 years ago now. 
I pray that Mum is safe in Tom's (my brother's) arms watching over us, she and him had a very special bond…he was her "devil" child. 

Anyways I am on the road to recovery with my asthma, no more steroids. My chest is still sore, but I am not wheezy anymore…though still get breathless if I exert myself.  I will attempt to start walking next week if I continue to improve. And if the weather improves, its been very cold and windy with some rain…not very pleasant at all at the ungodly hour of 5am which is the hour I leave to drive into work. 

My online weight challenge finished today. I went from one of the top 5 losers (3 weeks ago) to having a gain of 1.8 for the challenge…
….But I rejoined for the next 3 months and I plan to focus on getting the weight off.  It will help keep my mind active and ease the grief a bit I hope. 
Paul was so proud of me when I lost the weight last time and of how I kept it off…I want to show him and Mum that I can do it. Mum always worried about me and my weight yoyo'ing so much. Thyroid being inactive doesn't help much either as my sister has just found out, she has just been diagnosed with the same problem. 

Its time to go do dishes and organise myself for work tomorrow….

Monday, April 25, 2016

Anzac Day

                                    Lest We Forget 

Not much happening in the world of  Jen, unless you count bronchial asthma, over-eating and work. I have been to the Doc about the asthma, have steroids and a inhaler and doing ok now…..just soooooo darn bone weary tired.  Having nightmares about Mum falling down and being left outside overnight happen most nights too. 
Trouble going on with Kylee and Garry too…don't know which way that is going to go, had to lend Kylee money to get them out of some financial troubles… it doesn't look too good up there. 
Sitting in dressing gown and nightie right now…its nearly 11.15am and I have done nothing…and no plans to do much at all today.  Have early shift tomorrow morning….so going to make the most of a super lazy day. 

Monday, April 18, 2016


A couple of nights out into our cruise I received word my dear mum had passed away. My family requested I keep sailing as due to the circumstances of her death there had to be a coroners inquiry….so the funeral would be delayed anyway.
I did try to enjoy my cruise….and meeting Chris, Lyn and Lee-Anne was the best !!  Ted got to meet up with some of his ham radio friends along the way too. 

I was okay while we were travelling, but once I got home and walked to the phone to ring her and tell her I was home reality set in and the grief was overwhelming. At the funeral I lost the plot. A lot of emotions to deal with yet, one is not making the time to go see her before I left on the cruise (even though on the day I could go she said not too as she had plans).
It is believed but not yet confirmed that mum had a stroke as she was walking out in her garden after de-heading her roses, she fell causing a massive head injury and died trying to get inside.  That hurts knowing no-one was with her, that no-one knew till the next day, that she layed outside cold and alone. People did visit that day she died but because she had the front door locked everyone assumed she was out with friends. 

Right I am off to work…tears are streaming down my face, I just can't talk about it anymore. So soon after Paul, the double whammy grief is hurting so much. 
Love you mum xx Miss you Paul xx