Work is so hard, putting on a "face" to the public, when inside all you want to do is go home. Meeting people you know is hard and of course they want to talk about Paul, his cancer, his funeral and that is hard. Harder still is when they just reach out and hug you …. then the tears just don't stop.
Seeing Tanya and the kids is hard too, they are like us trying to be brave and carrying on as normally as they can. Kids are all in different stages of grief…but Tanya is coping with them. Comfort comes when we are down there and the 2 doves that were there on the day of his funeral come visiting too , we have seen them every time we been there now.
We went out to a 60th birthday party on Saturday, the husband of one my friends. It was very quiet party, just a few of their close friends, none that Ted and I knew, though I did know one other lady. We didn't stay long, neither of us were in the mood for celebrating. I had what I think was a "anxiety attack" whilst there, scared the heck out of us both. I just felt sick to the stomach, felt dizzy, my heart started racing, started sweating and as soon as I stopped sweating I started feeling okay again…I had one at work too the other day too. I am seeing the Dr today and will talk to him about this, hope its something I doesn't happen again.
Hearing a song on the radio that was played at his funeral had me in a blubbering mess on the drive home from work yesterday….I had to pull over as I couldn't see...
Lots of hugs to you xox
ReplyDeleteOh Jen I feel for you so much (and can say I honestly know what you and your family are going through). Grief is the hardest of all emotions, it's a very long and at times very lonely road. The next weeks and months will at times feel unbearable. Well meaning people offer all sorts of advice, stay strong, Paul would want that, it gets easier, at least he is not in pain! But all you and your family will want is Paul back with you. That's probably as simple as I can put it. If I can suggest a website that my daughter found fantastic in the very early dark days after she lost her husband it may be worth your daughter in law and you having a look at it, Google Ever After Widowed. My daughter formed friendships with ladies who were at the same stage of grief as her and they felt a connection. She is 5 years a widow now and is still in touch with quite a few of the ladies she met online and as well she has met 3 who were local and they regularly catch up and the children all get along too. As for the anxiety attacks I had the same and they surfaced soon after losing Trent. Your doctor will be able to help. Be kind to yourself Jen. If you would like to email me let me know, Rhonda 💗💗💗
ReplyDeleteOh Jen, grief is a natural process, but a bloody hard one. A mother should never have to bury their child and it sucks. Though you know he is no longer in pain, it doesn't make it any easier....... seeing your grand children is such a blessing but yet so hard as you will see Paul in each of them. Let those tears flow, every tear is for a reason...... I hope the doctor can help you with the panic attacks. Be kind to yourself, don't try and rush the grief.... Thinking of you xx
ReplyDeleteOh - can relate to so much of this. Although with me it wasn't a child. And the anxiety attacks, can understand again, here I was trying to be brave and go to an employment agency and got the biggest attack ever, I couldn't even write my name, just literally shaking from head to toe. I feel so much for you and your family. Take a day at a time, don't push yourself into situations you don't want to be in. Seek all the help for you and the family that you can get. Hugs and love to you xx
ReplyDeleteJen, I am heartbroken that you and your family are going through this devastating time.
ReplyDeleteI can somewhat relate to everything you're saying after the loss of my mum last year. Having to face the world and pretend that your life isn't crashing down around you is just so hard. It seems to feel surreal that life even continues around you some days.
I'm glad you're seeing your Dr about the anxiety, those attacks can become quite crippling.
I'm just so sorry for you and thinking of you all the time.
With love,
Tully.
xxoo
Just popping in to say thinking of you xx
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