6 days on...

And I am still struggling.

Just can't get my head around things at the moment. Too much emotional upheaval and I can't seem to cope without the help of food. My weight is up and down, more up than down, actually my weight is affecting my health...and I need to get my shit together and stop the dilly dallying and JUST DO IT!! 

I keep saying this, but let my emotions take over and then I go eat!! It has to stop...and I promise it will...

Away for the weekend...then its back and try again.

How am I going....

Im going ok...bad moments and good ones too.
Trying to focus on the now and me...but I struggle some days.
We lost a close friend on Christmas Day, one of Ted's best friends. Their friendship spanned over 55 years...the funeral is tomorrow. Im trying not to dwell on it...but Ted is hurting and so am I.
To throw into the mix I have had Shawn's girls here on the weekend, not meant to have them but the eldest girl has very bad anger issues and took some of them out on her foster mother. (threw a phone at her, kicked in the bedroom door and then proceeded to try and self harm herself) She has been struggling with Skye who just refuses to accept that she in care and refuses to let herself be happy....a very sad situation for us all. Amber after struggling for nearly 2 years with this situation (with some good times in the mix too) has asked DCP to take her out of her care effective immediately. Skye's mother who the girls talk to daily on the phone and messenger thinks it okay for her to show her anger the way she does..and encourages Skye. Skye says it ok too, "Mum says so" is her favourite saying. I must say in Skye's defence we have had next no problems with her here...a bit "mouthy" at times but no other issues. 
Anyways consequently I have struggled a little. Eating hasn't been the best today, and I will no doubt struggle tomorrow with travelling and the funeral....BUT I am determined to dig deep and find me again still.  As a dear friend (she is also a life councillor) said to me yesterday. "There is no "old " you. You are different now. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. Its going to take courage...but you will. Do not punish yourself". 
Right....onwards...I will be back. 

Day 2

I am finally allowing myself to begin to let go of all the anger, the hurt and grief that has wrapped me up for the past 3 years. I have been (I think) to scared to let myself be "me" and live because of all that I have lost. It hurts so much still.

Day 1 was yesterday....I aced it!!

I am not allowing myself a day "off" till my birthday in February.
Going to be a challenge as I will have visitors from New Zealand here on the 4th, then a funeral to attend on the 7th. But do it I will...I have too...for me !! 
I know I am going to have set backs, and off days...but I have to rediscover myself. This has to be for me...the real me.