Sunday, September 25, 2016

Long weekend



And that's been my motto this weekend.....though I just stuffed all my good work today by eating a handful of bikkies tonight......grrrrrrrrr angry at myself now. I was feeling down and before I knew it the bikkies were eaten...  
Ohhh well, before I head up to Perth tomorrow morning I will fit in a nice long walk. I did one this morning and you know what even though I huffed and puffed I enjoyed it. I have really let myself go. 
I rejoined WW paying for 6 months and already I have wasted 3 months, I have done nothing but yoyo. I had a good loss last week, after gaining over a kilo the week before. The week before was very hard, a year without Paul. We had a family gathering at the crematorium and released some white balloons...it helped being together. 

But anyways back to WW....I am now trying to shift this weight off.....it's really affecting my well being. I am struggling to do so many things that I used to find so easy, like doing up shoelaces...its just got to be gone!!!
I go to pick up Kylee and William at the airport tomorrow morning. Kylee is having gastric sleeve surgery on Thursday morning. Her Dr has told her it will give her a chance to have more children.  Since William she has not ovulated, she has gained more weight, the cysts in her ovaries have increased. She has tried WW, Herbalife, and other shake diets and just can't do it. Her Dr noticed that before William was born she was going to have the sleeve done but it was cancelled due to her pregnancy so advised her to go for it. It may be her only chance to have another child.

I am taking days off work whilst Kylee is in hospital to look after the lil man....I am looking forward to it, certainly will keep me busy.

Right, have a few jobs to do before bed, so must away........

Thursday, September 08, 2016

Questions answered....


Most of my struggles with my mum's death has been all the unanswered questions. Mum was found out in her small garden, not far from her steps. We don't know how or why she fell, if she fell down the steps, had a heart attack, or what. We know she had been de-heading her roses that day as the bucket with some in was next to the steps. We know from evidence of blood on the steps and fly wire door she tried to get back inside before she died. Nothing has come back from the coroner. Not many nights have gone by that I haven't woken up from a nightmare seeing mum laying outside, or struggling to get inside. Or not being able to go to sleep because I see her suffering when I close my eyes. Sleeping tablets are the only way I have been able to rest.
My daughter in law (Pauls partner) had a lot of unanswered questions too about Paul so she contacted a physic medium and went and saw her. She was very very impressed and advised me to visit her too....so I did. I do believe there is "something" after we die so I was most pleased mum, dad, Paul, Rosemary, my brother and my mum in law visited in my session with her. Mum gave me some peace with her answers.

This Saturday it's a year since we lost Paul, time has flown by...but yet it still feels like yesterday. We miss him so much. 

Friday, August 19, 2016

Darn knee….

Darn knee has been giving me "jip"
Pain had me in tears so ended up going to ED (emergency department) at hospital and sitting there for bloody hours to be told come back tomorrow for a ultrasound. Did that and next day rang my Dr for results. Fluid on the knee just under and to the side of the patella….so every time I walked thus the pain. Painkillers, anti-inflamortries, a knee brace and $$$'s later I am on the mend. Luckily I had days off to rest it…and now a week later it is well and truly on the mend thankfully.

A Facebook message yesterday….have a few minutes to call in, where do you live again. Gave the address and flew home to find Nola and hubby Ricky sitting in my gateway (the horn bag from Tassie)  Thanks Nola, lovely to see you again and to meet Ricky…..but we forgot the bloody photo's!!!! 

ww is going ok…I attend the meetings when I not working, wi's are up and down but I am under starting weight after 5 weeks so thats something. Not giving in….this extra weight hasn't helped my knee and its definitely not helping me! 

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Day by day


I was given this verse and how true it is….
You never get over a loss….I think we all know that…

Lately some days are good, some are ok and some are just downright bloody awful.

Today I have been up at Ted's mum's cleaning out her wardrobes and cupboards….sad but also so therapeutic. Ted was out in the living room getting the walls ready to paint and I was like "hey come look at this, remember this?"  

Now Weight Watchers….weigh in showed a 100g gain…I never had time to go pee before I hopped on scales.
But since weigh in I have been on a feeding frenzy….damned emotions got the better of me again. I do need to rein it in, I can't let it get the better of me. I do have a fortnight before next weigh. One week it has been cancelled due to another event in our meeting room, and the other I am working. 
Dear Daughter left for Carnarvon yesterday, she arrived home safely this morning, she broke the long trip up by overnighting halfway. It looks like she is going to try again with her partner. She has said she can forgive him but she'll never forget what he has done. I had to keep my mouth shut, its her life and she does have a little boy to think of, a little boy that does idolise his Daddy. And Garry is a very good hands on Daddy with Willliam.  
I hope for her sake they can make a go of it, she has layed down so many stipulations and he has agreed…so that I must accept. 


Thursday, July 21, 2016

Going better...


I did go visit my Dr re: the overwhelming grief…. a talk with him helped and I now go to see a lovely lady at the "wellness clinic" when I feel everything is just too much. 

Another thing I have done is rejoined ww….  I didn't think I would be able to focus on it, but on the advice from my Dr I am going. Weigh in today a loss of 1.4  Last week I gained 1.8 and the week before lost 1.2 soooo in the 3 weeks I have been going I am slightly in front. I am just taking it one day at a time. No stress.


I have my lil man here…and of course his Mummy. Little turd has well and truly hit the terrible 2's…. but I love him just the same..   Doesn't help that he has picked up on the vibes that Mummy and Daddy are not together and their is trouble between them. It may get worked out…but I sorta hope it doesn't …. what he has done will be done again as he has done it once before. Trust has been broken BUT its daughter's decision to make, not mine. 

Anyways….off to sit by by nice warm fire. Its bitterly cold here today. 

Sunday, July 03, 2016

Mum's birthday

 It was Mum's 87th birthday on Friday so I drove down to Manjimup so I could go to her grave and give her the flowers I always gave her and that she loved receiving. My sister had to work till lunchtime but I arranged to catch up with a good friend of many years that I hadn't seen in ages at 9.30am. I got to Manjimup before then so went out to the cemetery to spend some time alone with Mum. Still struggling to come to terms with it, the fact we still don't know the cause of her death, whether she suffered or not and how long she was on her own outside before she was found. 
Still very overwhelming, still have moments that leave me in tears…..but my Doctor has been terrific in helping me deal with all that has happened in the last 12 months…
Anyways I made it back to catch up Glenys, who was my Maton of honour when I married Simon's Dad in 1973. We sat there drinking coffee and yakked yakked and yakked till nearly 1pm….it was just what I needed. 
Then drove to Sis's where we had a catch up and then drove out to Mum. We tidied up the grave, gave her her flowers and had a cry together. One of my cousins came out to join us and we spent some time reliving some memories. 
By the time I said all my goodbyes and got on the road it was quite late so it was nearly 7pm by the time I got home. Made it a long day as I was up early and on the road at 7.30am.






In 3 weeks time I'll have this lil cutie and his Mummy to stay for a week. Mummy has to see a specialist….so looking forward to having them here. 

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Overwhelmed

Today I have been overwhelmed by emotions….its just all to hard. 

Today has been one of those days…..1 year today since Paul told us the terrible news that he had terminal cancer. 
Today I have cried, I have screamed, eaten a mountain of chocolate and cried some more. Tears are still running down my cheeks, just can't seem to stop them.
Its nearly midnight, I have work tomorrow but I just can't sleep….my brain won't shut down and let my body rest.
It's sux…its unfair

This 12 months has been a total nightmare…and I think today it has all just caught up with me. The grief is terrible, its just caught me up and is consuming me.