I have just read....

...an article in a magazine that really describes my son Shawn. I am so angry with that kid at the moment I could just spit, but don't know why I bother as he being the way he is just doesn't care. He had a great job, seemed to be happy out there...but the other day he walked out of work at mid morning and reckoned they were all a bunch of dickheads and he wasn't going to go back to be treated like an immature little boy. He hasn't been back and thou his father and I have asked him to go out and see his boss...he refuses, says he has rang him and if he can't answer his calls thats it !!

This article is all about Psychosis...
Psychosis is the term used when the following symptoms occur. Delusions....false, firmly held and unshakable beliefs. Hallucinations....false sensory perceptions (such as voices, smells or images). Disordered thought...jumping from one idea to the next with little association, going off on tangents without returning to the initial idea. Unusual behaviour.....people with acute psycosis have little or no awareness that they are not themselves as they have lost the connection with reality.

Most people are aware of the psychosis that occurs in schizophrenia, but it can appear as part of the mania (excessive mood elevation) and severe depression.
Certain substances, including cannabis and methamphetamine can cause rapid onset of pyschosis.

Welllllllll this is Shawn to a CAPITAL T which I know from previous experiences with him...but to see it in writing and to know there are other people like Shawn, and other parents like Ted and myself that are suffering. And suffer we do, as what can we do...he doesn't realise what he is doing to himself as he is not himself....and anything we say is not believed because of the firm unshakable beliefs he has in his head!!

A no win situation ehhhhh? I hope not...as I still hope....I have to

I am sick ......

....and tired of being so sick!! This flu is really draining me and I just can't shake it. Some days I wake up feel as thou I am recovering but as the days go on it just hangs on and on......I AM OVER IT !!!!!!!

I can't excersise, I just don't have the energy, I am eating so much crap, have so many cravings and again just don't have the energy to stop myself. Every day I tell myself its time to stop it...but being the weakling I am at the moment...I don't! I have made an appointment to see my Dr but can't get into to see him till early September. I need something.....a big kick up the arse I think...it must be getting big enough to not miss!!!

I bought a diary today....decided that enough is enough....and tomorrow is the day I start tracking everything again...whether it be good or bad, I am hoping that by reading exactly what crap is actually going into my mouth might spur me on ......wish me luck!! Something has to .... I worked too darn hard to get myself slim to give in and lose the plot entirely, its the one thing that I have to keep on telling myself to help spur me on, its worked before, hopefully it will this time too.

I don't know what else to do.....I haven't felt this darn sick in a long time....it is depressing to know that I am over-eating and not have the energy to do anything about it. BUT .... tomorrow is another day and to know at least I am going to try and make an effort will spur me on....

Bye till next time......

Thomas turns two.....

Yesterday little Thomas turned 2....wowwwwww sometimes I wonder where time goes. It only seems like yesterday I drove to the hospital to see him being born.....now he is running around chatting like a magpie.....

On Sunday me and hubby drove up to his house for a bbq with him and the family....the whole 4 kids were not at all well, all were under the weather with this dratted flu that is going around. Poor loves...as they were so looking forward to having a party and didn't have the energy to do so. All little Tom wanted for his birthday was a chainsaw....he spends all his time going around sawing up everything. So I got him one...thankfully he loved it !!

I have had the dreaded flu too....stuffy nose, sore throat, yukky cough and general tiredness.....but I am coping with it.

Weight.....welllllllllll just forget about that for the moment, this flu has made me as hungry as....have days where I eat like a horse, and others where I just can't be bothered. Hope I can get all back under control before I lose the plot.....but I don't think I will....worked to darn hard to get here.

Not a lot happening....

In the world of Jen....
I have had my hair re-cut after the disaster a couple of weeks back. They did a great job on the colour, love that...but sure didn't cut anywhere enough off. My hair is thick, has a natural curl in it and when not cut right it looks darn terrible as it seems to have a life of its own and goes any which way it wants too!!!
Weight watchers.....welllllllll I haven't been there for a while...have been having some good days and some badish days....overall I think I have evened it out.....we'll see when I get to a weigh in sometime this month....
Dear hubby and I went up to the footy last weekend....the local derby game. It wasn't my teams home game and I can say my team didn't win either !!! But it was a day out for us....something we just don't do often enough. My hubby isn't a fan of the footy, doesn't care who wins or loses....but does know that I love my beloved West Coast Eagles. This year they have been playing ABSOLUTELY WOEFUL and that has hubby calling them "The Budgies" !!!!
Shawn.....welllllllllll he has been Shawn....still in his moods, but around me and hubby has been a lot better. Doesn't spend a lot of time here, don't know where he is going or what he is up to, but I know he is going to work, his councelling sessions..all with some grizzles and grumbles I believe, but at least he is going ...
Work has been quiet...had a couple of days off this week. Going to be quiet next week too in more ways than one....my best workmate and my good friend Zoe had her last day today.....so next week I will be on my own......that I am not going to enjoy!!
I off now ..... it's evening and the cold air is setting in, time to go stoke up the fire and do dinner......

Our little Miss Ashlee.....

was 4 years old today.....

Happy Birthday sweet girl.......

A little birthday party was held at her house for a few of her bestest friends, her granparents, and a few uncles and aunties.....where we all spent a few happy hours partying with our little girl.

Day off....

Not a real lot happening......been a bit down in the dumps on and off during the week. I was going to do a "fast-track" course and follow a dream I had of getting back into hospital work again..... (years ago before kids....I was training to be a nurse, and I loved it).....and train as a Patient Care Assistant. Well that dream went "poof " .... I did not get into the course so I am still out at the funny farm doing my boring mundane job. Have a day off today as the work out there is slowing down due to a break in the plantings....have finished one crop and have to wait a while before the next crop is ready to harvest. While I am off today, am going down to my hairdresser and get her to re-cut my hair. I had a cut and colour on the weekend...love the colour but they sure made a real muck up of the cut.....they just gonna have to fix it today if they can !!!

I need the break anyways, and while I am off I can look at other options open to me regarding work, as work I have too.....a morgage to finish paying off yet (its nearly there!!) and dear hubby and I want to retire with SOME money in the bank so we can enjoy some time together travelling.

On the weight front....well we won't go there, the emotional eating bit has come in to play again....but I am trying to control it. Gave a friend a ring who is a ww lifer like myself and told her what was going on....great friend that she is has been giving me a lot of support and trying to keep me on track.

Is it just me or what but is blog world gone a bit quiet?? A lot must be hibernating with winter.....but heyyyyyyyy I really don't blame them, I am sooooooooooo feeling the cold and can't wait for the weather to warm up. It has been so cold and wet lately in the mornings....I can't get out and walk before work and I miss that!! Have a couple of DVD'S I do, but its not the same......

Shawn.......wellllllllll he has been okay. When he can get over his "woe is me" attitude and realise if he wants to get anywhere HE has to put the effort into it he may get somewhere.....till then he'll get no-where. One day he may wake up to himself....thou I have my doubts. He had the kids for a few hours on the weekend.....one thing I don't doubt is he's love for them.....it just shines out of him when they are around

Some changes

For a long time now I have not been happy with my job, which a lot of you know is nothing special anyway.....I only work on a market garden grading and packing vegetables....very mundane and boring. But I have for the last year been wanting to follow a dream of mine...and maybe this time I will have the strength within myself to follow this dream...I will keep you updated. I have some paperwork in my hot little hands now and after a big discussion with hubby I hope we can make the final decision as to whether or not I follow this through.

Shawn is still working....which is a blessing. His mood since his last councelling session on Tuesday has to put it mildly been not good!! Think they may have told him a few home truths and he did not like it!! They, his councellor and a rep from DCP, came out to meet hubby and I this week just to touch base with us and fill us in with what they want to achieve with Shawn. As we said to them "good luck" as you will really need it. The only thing that will help him is to go in to rehab, detox and get rid of the dope out of his system and never use it again. Luckily he hasn't been staying here, he has just been here for showers and to pack his lunch for work the following day...but believe me that has been long enough to put up with him. Wish I was a stronger person and could tell him to "piss off" and stay out of my life...I hate him when he is like this and am actually starting to fear him and yes fear for him more. I love him, but ohhh I hate him more. He is a great person when he is off the dope....but the dope is really effecting him at the moment....and I just have to have faith I guess that someone, somewhere can help him....hopefully himself, coz ultimately thats the only person that can !! He has his kids here tomorrow for access visit....they, espesially Skye, have missed him terribly as last Saturday and the Saturday before they didn't get to see him due to stuffs up with DCP and their carers.

ohhhhhh before I go....I went to weigh in last night....and noooooo I am not a 60's girl....I stayed the same. Next week I don't think I will be a 60's girl either...not with what I have consumed today. I have had no work today, its been a wet, cold and miserable day and for some reason I have been too!!

Its been one heck of a week

Its been a long and very very busy week and I can tell you Friday 5pm cannot come quick enough.....I am soooooo tired and feel as thou I could sleep for a week. Work has been so hectic......I have to be at work by 7.30am and do not usually finish before 5pm so it makes for a long day. This week we have had a staff shortage.....plus we use backpackers for workers and Monday we had 4 new ones start, so what with the language barrier (a lot cannot understand English, let alone speak it !!) and trying to teach them their job plus do your own, orders a mile long to get throu .....mmmmmmmmmmm yep it has been bedlam !!

Shawn has been quite good this week....it has been a reasonably stress free week as far as he is concerned. he has been attending anger management/councelling every Tuesday afternoon and this last week has heard news on Hannah....so guess that has helped. Plus he has been working quite long hours so that has kept him occupied as well. Hope this keep up. As yet he has heard nothing back from the insurance company, or for that matter the police on any reports back from the accident he had. No news is good news I guess.

Dear daughter in Melbourne tells me they might be moving locations .... mmmmm so next time I go to Melbourne they may be out closer to the country. Daughter Kylee is hoping that they do move in one way...means they can move out of their small 2 bedroom unit into a 3 bedroom house and pay $50 a week less rent!! With a wedding in Western Australia in 2010 to save up for it is money that will come in handy.

I had a weigh in tonight...after my disaster of a week in Melbourne...and a week on track here at home, thou with very little excersise, I can happily report a loss of 300 grams..... Next week I will be looking forward to being a 60's girl again.

Had a good week...

Since I have been back from Melbourne I have got myself right back on track and I have stuck to my points like glue. Needed to as I did not want to follow the way I was eating in Melbourne. I had an absolute ball over there with my dear daughter and catching up with some very special friends. Ohhhhh and lots of sightseeing !!!Being I was there for only those few days made it hectic but it was worth it, it was great to catch up everyone !! And going to the MCG to watch my beloved Eagles was worth it even thou we did get beaten.....the atmosphere there was absoooolutelyyy awesome!! Eating on the run is not good for the waist line ..... it did not make me feel good, actually some of the junk I ate did not agree with me at all!!

I missed out on last weeks weigh in, it was wet and cold and I was tired, BUT the truth really was I wasn't game enough to go!! Even thou it was very tempting I did not hop on my scales to see what damage I may have done, decided to just track and give myself the week to get back to normal.

On the homefront.....Shawns vechile has been repaired and is back on the road. Luckily his father is very handy and knows how to do all these things, being part of his trade helps. Shawn is still staying here with us thou, but says he will go back to sleeping in his Toyota again soon, hopefully not too soon, it gets down to 2 degrees of a night at the mo and he has been quite sick with a bad dose of the flu. He didn't get the kids this weekend, was a bit disappointed but took it quite well. Had a major tanty thou when he received a letter from an insurance company to say the other car involved had filed a claim saying Shawn was at fault. Anyways he eventually calmed down when he realised he could say he wasn't at fault....so he filled in the form with his version of what happened. As I said if he loses and has to pay out for their damages, he hasn't got the money to do it....so to just wait and see what eventuates.

Had eldest granson bought out to visit this weekend as he was down visiting his Dad during the school hols, it was great to catch up with him....we don't get to see him as much as we would like too. Had a good old chat and catch up on all the gossip.



ahhhhhhhhhhh well, I off and will update later this week with results of weigh in....

Am home....

....had a fantastic time but boy am I tired! It was a fantastic 5 days with my girl, we shopped, we caught up with some very special friends, we went to the footy (yep, the Eagles lost!!) and we shopped some more......
BUT....the big question was I good??
I can say NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I wasn't.....heck knows what damage I have done to myself.....I can kick myself for being so stoopid!!! ahhhhhh well whats done is done.....and now I have stopped the pendulum swinging from good to bad and its all good again!!!

On the home front.....Shawn has been good. He is going to work everyday, he has been to his councelling sessions, he had the kids again while I was gone and had a good time with them. He also was in a car accident while I was in Melbourne...didn't have his attention on his driving, was still thinking about his visit with his kids....and is now without a vechile. Heck knows what is going to happen, he was uninsured, not sure who was at fault and what is going to happen...but ahhhhh well one day at a time I guess.

Anyways off to bed for me, need some shut-eye.....a busy day for me tomorrow and I have to keep that pendulum from swinging and stay on track......

Just a quick one.....

Tonight I head off to Perth to catch a midnight flight to Melbourne, daughter will pick me up at airport at 5.40am....yawnnnnnn! Sure am looking forward to this break away thou. Shawn is very, very tiring and stressful to deal with .....but things are slightly better I think. He had his kids for 2 hours on Saturday afternoon...and despite all the drama's we had with Shawn before the visit he did enjoy his time with them. He has another interview with DCP this afternoon...so he's hoping he gets a bit of information on Hannah because as yet he has heard nothing from her or has been allowed to see her. These visits to the DCP office usually has him coming back here moodier than ever....so its good that I am off to Melbourne tonight.

ooooopps just had a knock on the door.....definetly glad I am going to Melbourne. It was the police, they have a AVO order to serve on Shawn from Hannah....Shawn will take it that it means there is no hope for them, and that is gonna send him over the edge methinks!! Thankfully as Shawn is at work and has that interview with DCP they are going to leave it with local police to serve later on.....this I am not looking forward to.

This is an edit....a few hours have past since the police were here, and I have rang DCP and told them how unfair it is that this AVO is to be served on Shawn with no warning and how concerned I am of his re-action to it. So they are going to let him know this arvo and explain the whatfor/how/whys and everything to him. I also told DCP he has to have some contact even if by phone with Hannah, they need to talk. Anyways I guess before I head off to Perth I will know what he's reaction will be....hope it is not as bad as I fear it will be.

Thinking I might jump on my scales before I go tonight.....just to see what number comes up so I can keep that in mind while I am away.....remind me peoples I have to be good!!!

Photo's of Shawn with his kids....hasn't little Shayden grown, he was a month old on Saturday.

It's Friday

Yay....its Friday...no work for me today which is even better....I need the me time!! It's been a long week. Shawn has been coming here for a meal at night, a shower, I pack his lunch for work next day and then he goes off and sleeps in his car. He says he is comfy enough.....so if thats what he wants and he is happy....so be it. Still don't know a lot that is going on with this Child Protection situation....he still has not seen his kids or spoken to Hannah and that really upsets him and we have had a few shall we say very tense moments here about this. He can understand that he is not allowed to see Hannah but surely she could ring him and let the kids say "goodnight Daddy" to him...that he seems to miss most of all. I have a horrible feeling this whole situation is going to explode big time but will wait and see what happens as it all unfolds. He has a meeting next Tuesday...but I am ringing DCP today to see if I can organise a child visitation for him, he needs to see them. I fly to Melbourne on Wednesday night so hopefully we can arrange something before I go.

yayyyyyyy am off to see my dear daughter (and future son in law) and catch up with some very dear friends. (A bit peeved off I not there now then I could have met Chris H and Nannette...but another time maybe!!)This trip is only for 4 days so it is going to be a full on time for me...but I can't wait!! Off to the footy on Friday night...Hawthorn verus West Coast. I know, I know...Eagles sux this year, but I am still a very proud supporter and will go there and sit there in my Eagles colours next to my daughter and her fiancee in their Hawthorn colours.....

Anyways despite all the upheaval I have stuck solidly to my point counting, my tracking, my eating and excersise and was rewarded last night at my ww weigh in with a loss which even astounded me of 2.1 !!! That leaves me .9 to lose this week and then I will be back to my goal weight.....wellllll within the 2 kilo extra they allow you anyways....but I getting there. Just not allowed to blow it when I go to Melbourne ehhhh??

Positives...

Shawn has had a interview with Child Protection and has been told he has to move out of his house and leave it for Hannah and the kids. He is not to go anywhere near the house or have any contact with them, all visitations will have to be supervised. He of course has nowhere to go, unless he sleeps in his car or on the streets, so looks as thou he'll have to stay with us till he can find somewhere. He very down, remorseful and unsure of the future but has agreed to 16 weeks of councelling, hopefully other treatments as well.....anything to get back Hannah and the kids. Maybe this will wake him up and he'll get himself back on track again, I hope so.

Weigh in was tonight and I am thrilled as despite a very unsettling week with Shawn and all these happenings I have stayed right on track .... and lost 1.8 !!! Yayyyyyyyyyyyy I am back on track, still have a ways to go to get back to where I should be, but am moving in the right direction...

Can't stop the tears

Well it has happened.....Shawn got home today and found an empty house and a letter for him on the table. Hannah has had too many restraining orders out on Shawn now and Child Protection has stepped in and removed her and the kids for their safety for which I don't blame them or Hannah for going. He is in tears, he is angry but is it his fault.....noooooooooo!! He has been trying he says, really trying, but when you tell him not hard enough as he still angry and moody, he starts ranting and blaming everything and anything but himself.

He has an interview with child protection tomorrow and will be told what he will have to do to sort this all out. Know from what he read out from the letter left for him he will have to have councelling, psychic treatment. God I hope he agrees to everything, and goes to this interview in a better frame of mind than what he is in now, if he loves Hannah and his kids as much as he says he does he'll have to.

Pray for him please....he really does loves those kids of his...but mainly pray that he gets the help he really needs.

Have put the brakes on....

Finally made it to my new ww meeting on Thursday evening and weighed in. Did not like the number that came up...was not good at all, higher than I have ever been, so decided there and then that was it, THE BRAKES ARE ON !!! So far have had a great week, have come in under points, each day I have tracked, have excersised everyday...this Saturday and today went walking with a friend for over an hour both days. The ww meeting was just what I needed, there were 5 other life members like myself who are over their goal weights, the talk was very inspiring which made me motivated so hopefully this time I can keep it up and not let any emotions over-ride my efforts.
Went to Dr on Friday after work and got the results of all my blood tests from my chest pain episodes. Other than gastric reflus I have a "bug" in my stomache, some big long medical name that I can't pronounce....but its nothing that a heap of antibotics and other pills won't get rid of. It's a wonder I don't rattle with the amount of pills I am having to take daily.
And just to top it off....add panadol for the headache in the name of my troublesome son Shawn. Hannah has just rang me to say she has taken a 24 hour restraining order out on him coz they are fighting, he is pushing and shoving and being a bully towards her. Sheeeeeeez when is that kid gonna get it together?? We were hoping with the birth of Shayden and the job (which he seems to love) would help him, apparently not! Anyways trying to NOT let it get to me....I can't help him till he helps himself....right?? But someone tell me HOW do you stop worrying, HOW do you get that horrible feeling out of your gut as you wonder "is he alright", what the hell is he going to do next???

Never made it to ww meeting....

nahhhhhh never made it, next week maybe...lately in my life it never rains, it frigging pours!!!!!

I was so looking forward to having some "me" times while things are slow at the farm.....I managed Monday, half of Tuesday and then wham....I was hit with chest pains. By evening they were bad, during the night they worsened so much so I made an emergency Drs appointment in ther morning. Saw the Dr and had ecg's, blood tests and thankfully any heart problems were ruled out, so conclusion ... some kind of gastric problem. All I need on top of everything else!! But did I get time to go to bed and be spoilt with some nanna naps....nahhhhhh no such luck for me. Get a frantic call from Shawn and Hannah...little bub Shayden had to be rushed off to hospital as he had 3 episodes of turning blue and choking.....could I have Skye and Jaydene?? What could I do .... say no???

Sooooooooooo thats what I have been doing for the last few days. Luckily from 10am to late arvo they attend daycare so I have had time to spend at the hospital with Shawn and Hannah and Shayden.

Just had a phone call from them now....and Shayden has had no more episodes and it seems that he was severely dehydrated due to lack of nourishment in Hannah's milk. Thankfully nothing too severe .... and easily fixed, Hannah is just going to have to supplement bottle feed. I can now relax and stop worrying. But bub is not allowed home till he regains his birth weight so looks like another night of babysitting for me......

I missed out .....

.....on cuddles yesterday. Shawn bought out girls and Shayden for a visit and the whole 2 hours plus he was here bub layed in his car seat and slept....I was not impressed!!!
Shayden Thomas Lee




I have today off work, boss rang me last night and apparently it is going to be a quiet week so might get a few more days off!!! Hopefully I can have a "me" day and do NOT much at all. Know one thing I AM going to do and that is have a "nanna nap" this arvo, haven't been sleeping real well of late. I also am going to go down to my favourite little "op" shop and have a good browse around and see what little treasures I can find, and then before I go home go around and see little Mathew....and maybe find him awake so I can have cuddles!!

Mathew Paul

ahhhhhhhhh well, time to get off my butt and make another coffee....and then start my day, it is nearly 9am and I haven't even made the bed yet!!

Meet grandie number 11

His name is Shayden, born at 10.16am on Wednesday 21st May, weighing in at just a tad under 9lb. Mother and baby both well, Dad proud as punch. "Jenna" has been fulltime babysitting the 2 big sisters, Skye and Jaydene while mum recovers in hospital and Dad goes to works. I can tell you it has been hard staying on track with little ones around....so tomorrow arvo when I drop girls off home with Hannah and Shayden I can prepare for a Saturday morning "get back on track" ready for my new ww meeting on Wednesday night and that dreaded monthly weigh in. But I am looking forward to this meeting, Dianne is a bright, bubbly, highly motivated leader who does inspire her classes to achieve.

Weighed in last night.....

..... on my scales and had a loss of 400 grams. Not much but heyyy it at least went downwards. I had a reasonable week, not 100% on track but I made an effort when I could. A few days I didn't excersise, a few food choices that weren't the best.....but I tried, but should have tried harder. Troubled son Shawn has caused a few hiccups for me this week ...poor kid is mega stressed out, his Hannah is a week overdue for their 3rd bub but that still no excuse to act like he does. Wish he would get his shit together and start acting his age. Anyways Hannah will be induced on Thursday evening if bub not born by then. In the meantime Shawn, having been on tenderhooks waiting for this bub, is starting work tomorrow....he delayed the starting of the job by a week hoping bub will be born. Hope working helps with his moods, it always seems too. This job is outdoors, on a farm which he likes and the person he will be working for has had success with troubled people and drug addicts like him...keep fingers crossed for us, his family, and pray that this will work out.

Next week I will be going to ww meeting and have monthly weigh in. It will be a new meeting, I am changing leaders. My old leader is dull, boring and un-motivating and I need a change. The new meeting leader I have been to before when I was losing weight last year, she has a very up-beat and interesting meet and thats what I need, I need to be inspired again. I still have a long way to get back to goal.....well it is a long way for me, to anyone else it is only a few kilo's.

Anyways will be back later in the week with news of bub when it happens.....

Have stayed on track...

Had a really great week food and tracking wise despite some upsets during the week, am proud of the fact that I didn't let any of the emotions sway me towards food . I weighed in on my own scales last night and had a loss of 1.2 kilo's.....so very happy with that. That still has me way too heavy....am still over the 2 kilo's allowed on top of my goal weight sooooooooo I still have some work too do. Had a slip-up last night and had an "oink oink " ...but on track and focused again this morning. Pouring with rain at 4.30am so decided when my day started at 5am that I would give my morning walk a miss today and have a bit of "me" time before heading off to work, so thats why I here on pc....but better get moving now, its nearly work time......