I need strategies to help me stop self sabotaging. I had a great week last week, this week I can’t stop myself eating myself silly !!
I look in the mirror and I hate myself. My clothes are getting tighter, or not fitting.
I am so over myself.
I’ve been following a rough plan out of my old WW books, and it seems to be working. A loss of 800g this week. No added excersise, just my daily step count from work and running around after these little grandies of mine.
Friday was sports day for William. He won 5 first places, and 6 second places, some of those being team game efforts. But I was so proud of him, he tried his hardest in all events and his reward was year 2 runner up champion.
Thinking I might delete this blog.
Hardly anyone ever leaves a comment or says hullo anymore. I'm boring, as is my weight loss or not...... and my self sabotage too I guess.
I had my first weigh in on Saturday morning...lost 700grams. Hopefully indulging on my very lazy weekend doesn't effect me too much!! I just can't seem to help myself. Thats one lesson I have yet to learn. I have to learn, I am not a dog, I don't need extra treats for behaving myself !!
Anyways will see how I go....
Due to a COVID case in Perth, we were put in lockdown for 5 days.
Wearing a mask everyday at work was painful...
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Could be that I am struggling with my weight again. Getting sore back and aches and pains, constantly waking up in the morning with my back all stiff and me struggling to move. Weight is yo-yo'ing, last week I gained, the week before I lost. Sometimes I really just wonder why I bother, BUT I know if I don't I will balloon again and I don't ever want to get up into 3 figure numbers again.
And I know Mum would not be happy with me. She was always on my back about my weight....always. She knew how I struggled with my thyroid and how upset I would get about it. Many a time I cried to her that I wished I had her metabolism...she was tiny and never gained weight.
Yesterday at work I was having a real down day. Was really missing mum and was wishing that I could just pick up my phone and ring her. I could have done with one of our regular natters. Then in front of me was a feather, and I knew once again Mum was close by and was comforting me. The day of her funeral as Mums coffin was lowered I was crying and looking up. Up above her grave a bird was flying around...it had to be Mum saying she was free. And every time I have visited her grave a bird has been there in the trees or sitting on her gravestone. Over time since Mum has passed I have found feathers in some very unusual spots, they are I believe from Mum.
My sister has a night flower that belonged to Mum. It had never flowered until Mum died. It flowered just after Mum passed. And it flowered last Saturday when she got married. I can tell you these things do bring comfort to us both.
Tears are flowing, its lovely to remember but the ache of missing her is always there.
Things got pretty hectic leading up to Christmas, what with work, babysitting, a few outings so my attention to my eating suffered. A lot of grab and eat on the run....this led to a bit of a gain on the scales.
But Christmas is over now....and we have had the last birthday of the year which was Master William's 7th. He was on his access visit to his Dad so he had Boxing Day and his birthday on the 27th with him...then he was dropped off back to his Mum later on in the afternoon so Mum was able to have time to celebrate too. I get my turn tonight 😀
Christmas here was quiet. Had Christmas breakfast here with Kylee, William and Summer plus her man Micheal and his 2 daughters. Bedlam here for a few hours which was fun. Of course Shawn and Skye were here too so lots of fun and laughter. Micheal left to get his daughters to their Mothers for lunch and Kylee followed with her 2 and I then took Skye into town to spend the rest of her day with her Mum. Mum has only Skye's sister home with her...well that is until she decides to run amok again. Between her and her brother they have spent more time in court than they have anywhere else. They too are meant to be in foster care BUT NO ONE can control them. Actually the eldest boy is in detention now. I even refuse to have them visit here as they get very aggressive and abusive when disciplined. The youngest boy is in a happy foster care situation but we are still waiting for our access visits to see him.
Simon and his son Sheymus rang to wish us Merry Christmas as they were out camping, Simon with his lady friend Tammy who also yelled out greetings 😋 As for the rest of Simons kids....have not heard from his daughters since Simon and Tracey split, though do see the other boy Thomas every now and then.
Tanya and kids left early to go bush camping, so I didn't get to see them. When I rang to ask when I could drop gift around they had already gone. Very sad to say every year since Paul has been gone (5 years now) Tanya has drifted further and further away from us. Can honestly say in the 5 years we can count on 1 hand the amount of times she has been out here.
Sad that our family has come to this. Its not our fault Simon and Tracey broke up, but because I am Simon's mum I get punished along with Simon. Tanya has always even when with Paul favoured her family over ours. I just don't get why we get left out. As for Shawn's ex and kids....well she and her deadbeat partner have a lot to answer too. They had the kids taken away because of their neglect. It has traumatised the kids and thats the cause of a lot of their behaviour. Skye has settled in here real well but misses her Mum. Mum at least is trying to turn her life around but too late to stop the 2 middle kids going off the rails.
So after all that...my family that I have left and us had a good day. Christmas Day afternoon was spent sleeping and eating.
Anyways will leave you with William celebrating his birthday with Mummy's at Micheal's. Don't you just love the look on Summer's face behind him. Too cute.
Weigh in day yesterday....down a kilo. But I did work hard for it. Im enjoying how relaxed I can be and yet still eat properly and yes even indulge in a few little treats, yes they are low carb ones too 😀 Long may this last for me.
Its been a pretty hectic full on week actually. Work has been crazy, the shopping centre so busy, lots of mess, lots of spills....and headache material...lots of screaming kids!!
William has finished school for the year. Not a bad school report either, but not happy with his school, he needs to be challenged more and the schools dwindling numbers don't help. So many students have left and maybe William will be joining them next year. Have sent in application to have him go to the school his Mum and Uncle went too which is close by.
Young Master was meant to start vacation swimming just after Christmas. But first day of his holiday and what does he do? He goes out to play and was naughty and moved the trampoline from where it was....he knows thats a big no no!! Starts being silly on it, falls and lands on a picket! Very badly hurt his leg. I had to ring his mum and get her to meet me at the hospital emergency. Master ended up having to have surgery to stitch the wound and spend a night in hospital. A unfortunate way for him to learn a lesson. And a way to give me a few more grey hairs!!
Luckily he got to participate in the colour run before this happened.
Will leave you with a few pics of his colour run.....and one of his mummy and him just before he went into surgery.
And I have been mostly on track, a few minor hiccups but nothing drastic. And the result being a loss of 500grams. I’m slowly heading back to where I was before I went off the rails. Let’s see if I can continue and NOT self sabotage when I get to that number 😏
Christmas and all the festivities are beginning so let’s hope I can keep a lid on the over indulging. I hope I can. We don’t go to a lot of parties, and we don’t have a work one as there is always one or two that are working shifts so we can never get a full crew.
Christmas Day here will be a quiet one I believe. Simon has a new lady and I believe he is staying up at hers to celebrate, that way he is also closer to his kids if they want to see him. Still nasty with him and his ex. His two daughters don’t have anything at all to do with him, actually abuse him if they see him. And because we are his family they don’t acknowledge us either. Luckily his two boys do. One is actually living with his Dad and lady. So I am not expecting to see them on the day.
Tanya and her 3 I hardly see much of at all. Since COVID started Tanya’s hours increased as she is a carer for the Multiple Scerosis Society. I see her now and then, but she is a hard person to catch up with. The girls work too, Caity is nearly 19, Ashlee is 16 and work part time plus school. Matt is just finishing his 1st year of high school. Since Paul's passing she has gradually pulled away from us, very rarely comes out. It’s sad 😞
Kylee and the little ones we will see. Apparently her man will be joining us too. We are having brunch here, then they heading up to her mans where he will catch up with his two daughters. William and Summer will see their Dad Boxing Day and all day on the 27th which is Williams birthday. They will hand kids back over late afternoon so they can come home and get reading for vacation swimming lessons.
Shawn will be home too....and our Skye as well. Skye will be taken in to her Mum’s after our brunch.
Nearly 9pm, the little ones have finally settled...so I’m off for a shower. Before I go I’m going to leave you with this comparison pic...the first one is Shawn and Kylee aged 3 and nearly 6....and William who is nearly 7 and Summer who is 3 in late March. Similar much ehhhh
The title says it all.
Im not doing well at all, UP another kilo this week. I can't, just can't get myself on track. I say to myself every day, "I've got this" then eat junk 10 minutes later. I know I HAVE to reign this in otherwise all my hard work will be gone. I can see myself getter bigger and set in my old ways...BUT still I think.."it won't take long to shift, I've done this before" !! But it will, I'm getting older and I ache. I know its not going to help me carrying this weight as I get older...I just have to find that mind set again.
It's funny... I always seem to falter as I enter the eighty's or get close to them, and then self sabotage myself.
I'm tired, need sleep. I had a good 3 hour nap this afternoon, then couldn't get to sleep tonight...so up now. But I'm yawning and ready to sleep again.
Have to try again tomorrow. Even if I falter I have to keep on going. My poor Doctor as good as she has been, and helped and supported me so much I think is pulling her hair out in frustration at me. just as I am at myself....
So tomorrow...Im going to try again. And if I muck up, get straight back up and start again.....well thats what I am aiming for.
Well as you can see by the title....I didn’t manage to get myself on track.
Weigh in showed a gain of over a kilo....and I deserved the gain, I ate junk, and more junk....
And I’m still floundering.....but nowhere near as much as I was. Day by day I’m getting better....but it’s darn hard. Why do I do this to myself all the time? I get to a certain point in my weight loss then pfffffttt I lose the plot.
And like below I’m trying to eat all the right foods to get myself 100% on track.
I’ve had a few things on this week that hasn’t helped, my granddaughter turned 17 and a 1st cousin turned 70 and a surprise party was had for him.
Yep,,,,I’ve got this...day by day...
I weighed in on Saturday and saw a 400gram loss.
Then come Saturday afternoon, it was worktime. I had packed a healthy lunch BUT the girl I was working with bought some spring rolls she promised to make me in. WHY WHY WHY did I eat them???? I knew I shouldn’t have because even though I tracked them it has sent me into a eating what ever spiral. Monday today...I’ve been running around all day and NOT eaten within my calorie at all....or even made halfway decent healthy choices. Same for Sunday, it was a eat whatever day there as well...a junk food pig out. No wonder my jeans are feeling quite tight ☹️🤐
Tomorrow I am off work...after school/daycare drop offs it’s going to be a “me” day. And a day to get myself back on track before I gain all I lose.
Weighed in last Saturday.....and disappointed to see only a 100 gram loss. ☹️ I thought I had done better than that. I had one indulgent day BUT as I promised myself I did track EVERYTHING. So far this week all is good. For the first time in ages I had a few alcoholic drinks 🍹 Saturday and Sunday night....AND once again I did track them. Last few days I have been drinking lots of water....hopefully I can flush them out of my system so I can get a better loss on the scales next weigh in.
I have been struggling to find something for Kylee for Christmas. But the other day I remembered when William and Summer were a few weeks old she had hand and feet impressions done and put into a frame with their photos. So I’ve decided to get updated hand impressions done with photos of both kids now.
So these are the pics I took this morning before I took them to school and daycare. Took about 20 rapid shot ones but by number 15 Sum was already climbing down off the climbing frame. Anyways these two are the best of them. Sue the lady doing the impressions and the framing loved them, so do I. No time to get any others as Mum has them at hers while she on days off. On Saturday I take them for their hand impressions. I’ve told William we going to see a lady on Saturday and he is not allowed to tell Mummy what she does. Fingers crossed he can keep the secret 🤐 I’m hoping that he be more interested in Mummy picking them up and taking him to Mandurah where Daddy will meet them ready for their 2nd overnight visit. They both always keen to see Daddy BUT the last overnight was overwhelming for them I think, it being the first time. William had a meltdown and needed FaceTime with Mummy to say goodnight before he would settle. And he has been very quiet about the sleepover since. They were meant to stay over last weekend but Daddy had other plans, he had a booked outing Saturday night with his girlfriend. Wasn’t even interested in spending Sunday with them. Anyways let’s see what happens, it’s going to be ongoing so gradually the kids will adjust.
Time for me to shower and get to bed. Work again tomorrow.
I weighed in on Saturday...700grams down. Quite surprised at that as I didn't have the best start to the week. I am still in my online weight loss group and Saturday was the start of a new round. Comparison photo's below....I was so happy to see that the weight loss was showing. I was told yesterday when I went out to lunch with friends that my effortswere being rewarded...but till I saw this I hadn't realised how much of a difference there was. I notice it in my clothes...I now have to wear a belt in my work pants to keep them up 😀
The kids seemed to have enjoyed their overnight with their Dad and lady friend. He had to ring Mummy before bed for William as he had a meltdown missing her. Other than that he hasn't said too much about the visit at all. I don't know if that is a good thing or bad thing. They are meant to be overnighting again this weekend but he and her have other pre-booked plans 🙍 Mum is STILL waiting to hear if they have time for day visits....😏
Better get going, a few appointments to go too this morning.... 1 being eye checkups, I am constantly cleaning my glasses or adjusting them as my vision sometimes appears to be occasionally blurred.
Anyways out of here.....
William had a blast. He was up at 6am this morning, so excited...he just couldn’t wait to get out there and try his hardest.
He participated in 5 events, team games and indivual races and came home with 3 firsts and 2 seconds.
He is going to be a good athlete I think.
I tucked him in to bed tonight and I think he was asleep before his head hit the pillow. It’s another big day for him and his little sister tomorrow....they have their first sleep over at their Dad’s house. He has moved on and found himself a girlfriend, she doesn’t have kids but she is a kindy teacher and seems to be good with both William and Summer. Still I don’t trust him... Now the vro is no longer effective I can see him heading back to his narcissistic self. We will wait and see....
I leave you with one happy little boy participating in a few of his events.
......as I expected.
Wasn't a major gain....but this week it will be. I have had daughters kids full-time while she away at Tafe. Its been full on...I have forgotten how time consuming they are. My food prep, and my tracking has gone out the window. Ive been snacking on their leftovers, eating their treats...ohhh this is not going to good AT ALL!!
And tonight is Shawn's birthday and we have cake...oohhhh dear.
Next week when things won't be so hectic I will get my act together....and get some more weight off !!
Anyways will leave you with a few more pics of our long weekend away.
I had a fantastic few days away. Did I behave...no I didn’t. Did I go overboard and binge...no I didn’t. I weighed before we left, lost 400g so hoping for the rest of this week I can get myself back on track.
Managed a few small hikes while away and been keeping busy since being home.
Went up to the city yesterday to see Skye in hospital after her back surgery. She had a bad scoliosis of the spine. She has been so brave and been coping quite well considering the pain she is in. Hoping to have her home tomorrow if she can move past the pain and open her bowels. She was in tears yesterday trying, the poor love. I will go up again tomorrow and visit if she doesn’t get the job done later this arvo/tonight.
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