Starting again…..

……for what seems like the millionth time I am trying to lose weight again….at least I can say I ain't no quitter.

I have joined a online challenge….starting on the 1st February and it finishes on the 1st May. We pay $20 to join for the 3 months….and at end of the 3 months the top 5 "losers" have the $'s that we have paid in divided out as their "prize" money.
I was introduced to the group by my great friend Rach, she is inspiring me at the moment with her commitment to her health and weight loss. She has lost 9 kilo's so far, but despite a few downs and holidays she has managed to keep plugging away at it.  The group have been welcoming so I have paid my $20 and ready for the start of the challenge. I so can do this. Plus it gives me 9 weeks to get my shit together and lose a few kilo's before we sail out on our cruise…AND also will give me the added challenge of using the walking track on the boat and watching my food intake. 
Have my 60th birthday which we are celebrating at the end of February…so thats another challenge thrown in….but hey I am ready for this….

I have been in a total funk about my weight and myself…. so this is just what I need. Will focus my energy on this "making changes" and see what it brings.

The Lion King

My girlfriend and I went to The Lion King on Sunday.
We made a day of it…I drove from here to hers, a 40 minute drive and from hers we drove to the The Dome in Perth where the theatre production was held.
On arrival there we had a wander through the casino, had a much needed cuppa then walked to the train station and went into the city centre. A wander through Myers, David Jones, and a few other stores we don't have in our town, lunch at cafe in the mall before shop browsing again.
Decided a 4pm to catch the train back where we had a snack and another cuppa before heading over to the theatre.
Found our seats then sat back and we were enthralled from the beginning to the end….what a production. If I could afford it I would go back and watch it all again tomorrow.
Robyn drove us back to hers and because I wasn't tired I drove home (I had packed a overnight bag in case I was too tired).
Pic was taken just before we entered the show. Loved my dress…just wish I loved myself. I have since Paul's diagnosis and passing have let myself go, I have eaten like there is no tomorrow and I look terrible.
10 weeks before we head off on our cruise so a good friend has invited me to join a online challenge with some other people. We weigh in weekly, maybe its what I need. Hoping I can find me again.
I know a lot of what I am feeling is grief, my Dr has been wonderful knowing I don't want to go on antidepressants he has recommended a calmative tablet and so I am giving that a go.
Number 3 son has a few issues going on at the moment too…which are worrying me. His eldest daughter has been giving her mother some problems and she asked Shawn to have Skye for a week or so to give her a break. Skye hasn't been getting on with her mum's partner, well she hasn't from the beginning….but now it turns out he has been cruel to Skye and maybe to the others. Skye refuses to go home. Child protection has been made aware of the fact by Shawn. He may even be given his other daughter as she wants to be with him too.
Shawn is a great Dad, he loves his kids….but I don't think he is aware of how much time and effort he has to put into parenting full time, or the cost involved. And can he give up his recreational drugs, his single lifestyle permanently to become a full time parent?? Time will tell. I hope he can but I really can't see it happening, he has to change his attitude and way of life big time to do so,,,hope he can prove me wrong.

Birthdays

Its your birthday, the first one since you left us…..missing you so much Paul…

Birthdays..

Its a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my sonshine…42 today. Loves you son. 

Simon lives a 45 minute drive away, he was on house duties today with his kids as Trace had to work….and so did I this morning…..but spent my breakfast break on the phone yakking to him.

Adrift...

L

In my case I think the elastic has been stretched to the max....no way is it because I have lost weight.
I have lost my way well and truly and my eating is out of control.
My WW's has run out and I have cancelled it till I am in the right head space.
Christmas, family and friends visiting, has seen me lose my battle to lose some weight.....but I ain't a quitter so I'll be giving it another go….when I can get my head in the right space again..
Cruise is booked....I have about 12 weeks to get my head into some sort weight loss mode....nothing is fitting, none of last year cruise clothes fit...
And also throw my 60th birthday into the mix as well....that's in 6 or 7 weeks and Ted wants us to have a party...ohhhhh heck I so need to get ME sorted out. A doctor visit next week might help....I just feel adrift..

My bright light over Christmas and New Year was William and his mummy and daddy. 

We had a wee birthday party for his 2nd birthday. He had a fantastic day, playing on his water slide and eating junk food. At bedtime he was worn out and sick....but luckily after he threw up, we showered him again and he slept a solid 12 hours.

I will be counting down to my birthday as thats when I will see him again…and hopefully by then I won't be feeling so adrift...

Happy New Year

Time is a tickin!!!!! 
Not much left of 2015.
To each and every one, a new year a new beginning. May 2016 bring you everything you wish for and more. 

Its nearly Christmas

Merry Christmas to all who read this.
Thank you to all those that have supported me during this last 6 months….Christmas will be bittersweet for us this year. 
But we will smile and enjoy it and remember that it was Paul's wish.
The kids need Christmas and the joy it brings.
Take care all, be safe and have a wonderful day. 

Another holiday...

We are off cruising again..at the end of March next year.I booked today. 
So any NEW ZEALANDERS that want to say hullo we will be visiting AUCKLAND on April 7th, TAURANGA on the 8th April, and BAY OF ISLANDS on the 9th…..will keep reminding you as the day gets closer.
I am excited, really have something to look forward too…it might chase some of the sadness away.
Have finished all my christmas shopping, only some food and a few little stocking fillers to get and I am done. 

Weight Watchers weigh in today, with visitors and no tracking I managed a loss of 100g…  I best get my shit together if I want to lose weight before we set sail. 

Celebration of Paul

An emotional afternoon down the beach last weekend….but it was happy too.

Wasn't sure how I was going to go weight wise this weigh in, as the day after the celebration we had our first xmas party to go to, then we had visitors arrive to stay for a week on the Monday so its been a challenging week.
Happy to say I lost 1.4 this week, so only 400g to shed to get back to where I was before my mega gain last week…but one day at a time….I will do this….just have to get through today, 3 months since we lost Paul. 

Been lost…..

Since my last weigh in I have been lost…..

My Mac keyboard died, should have jumped in the car and drove to the Apple store and picked up another, would have been quicker than waiting for J B Hifi to get me one….
So I haven't had my tracker…thats one excuse…

Another had Simon and Tracey's 4 kids…they were great. Had a lot of fun with them….and Paul and Tanya's kids too. All of them spent Saturday here….at times they were lost little souls as they all recalled favourite memories they had of their Daddy/Uncle.  Tears flowed for us all. 

We are having a "celebration of Paul" down the beach this weekend….writing down some memories to put into a scrapbook for the kids have sent the emotions to a high level.

So weight watchers hasn't even been on my mind…I have eaten every emotion I have felt…
Just back from my meeting, I considered a "no weigh" but that wouldn't achieve anything….so I weighed, took the huge 1.8 gain….and its onto a new week, new program….and hopefully me back on track.

Right onwards….a deep breathe and I can do it….

Day off...

.......... And tomorrow I walk....

Today was weigh in day and as I expected I had a gain, only a small 100g but it could have been more. I freaked out last week with Ted having his endoscopy and lost the plot for a few days so it's wonder it wasn't more. After weigh in I relaxed and gave myself the day off.
I wasn't going to, but I babysat this morning so I let myself enjoy them. Was going to stay for the meeting but had my nieces kids and the 4 year old played up so I left 5 minutes in.
The program has changed a little, pity I had to miss the talk, but I'll catch up. Loving the weight watchers this time around, it gives me something to focus on, something to talk about.....it helps with my grief.
Have grandkids again this weekend, Simon & Tracey are going to Perth for the ACDC concert...so I'll have the 4 of them. It's going to be a very LOUD weekend, these kids are not quiet!!

Right...off to get myself ready for tomorrow, as soon as I get up I am off walking, a long one...and then I have grandee's for the weekend, arriving tomorrow afternoon, going home Sunday.

Good news

Dear tummy...please shut up!!!!

It has been stressed.

Hubby had a endoscopy this morning, thankfully the results were good, he does have a small hiatus hernia but according to the surgeon he has nothing to worry about. He took a few samples for biopsies, hubby sees his Dr in a couple of weeks. Thank heavens it is all over, I have been worrying myself silly about it.

I got my weigh in done just before I had to pick up hubby from hospital but once again missed staying for the meeting. Must attend next week, apparently new "things" are happening in WW's

But since I have bought Ted home I have been eating like there is no tomorrow...it must stop!!!! I can't blow all my hard work....I am on a roll. Lost 800g this week, not going to happen this week if I don't stay out of the bikkie barrel.

Right...off to tiptoe around and do a few chores, hubby is having a nap. Work again for me tomorrow. 

One day at a time….

It has been a tough week. Work has been super busy and I have been feeling the extra hours that I have done. Have run into some people that knew Paul was sick and they asked how he was doing, its hard to tell people he has passed.
Had a funeral to attend this week, one of Paul's workmates had heart problems that got the better of him and so we attended his final farewell. Same place as Paul's, that hurt.
While we were there Tanya took us to where his ashes are to be placed in a few weeks time. He will be resting under a tree with the sound of the bubbling lake nearby. A seat nearby to sit and reflect and remember. 

 Tanya's mum had a big canvas done up for her, there was 70% off all there canvas's so ordered the one above.  its the first thing you see as you come into our family room from the patio (our main entrance).  Memories galore there….could have made it twice the size.

hahaha I wish it was that easy ehhhh
Weigh in day today, had to run in and weigh and get to work again, I hate missing the meeting but I need the extra $'s.
A loss of 500g so I'll take it. 

Its been a busy week...

Its been a lonnnnnng week and its still not over….have work again today.
Its so busy too…and we are down in staff so I have been covering a few shifts. My poor legs have been feeling it too…
Not much has been happening on the home front…we are taking it day by day. Canvas Factory had a huge 70% off sale online so I have organised a big canvas of us all with Paul which should arrive this week. Also had one done up for Tanya for her and the kids for Christmas.
Have my nephews Anthony's 21st tomorrow night, Paul was his godfather so its going to be one of those "firsts" for us…Paul enjoyed the "shed" parties out at Anthony's, many a time he slept in his swag  after a party there. 

Weigh in yesterday, 800g off…

Best get a wriggle on…work to get too, will do a bigger post next time. 

Another week

It was school sports carnival this week and my grandees did well. Miss Ashlee was her age champion girl…..and Master Matthew did very well. 
A few tears were had by them all as Daddy wasn't there to talk to them and hug them on their achievements….but I am sure he was watching from above. 

It was also Simon's and Tracey's boys up in Collie's sports day too and both boys made champion boys….how cool is that?
Unfortunately I never got to see any of the sports days as I had to work, but hopefully I will be able to attend the inter school sports carnival and see at least some of them race.

I was feeling very lethargic last week, too tired to get out of the way of my own shadow. Housework has suffered, a long way behind in some chores. Luckily no extra shifts at work as I don't think I could have managed them. 
Starting to feel a little better these past few days.
Weight watchers weigh in today, a sts the same which I sort of expected, I haven't been focused.  
Tomorrow I am heading up to Mandurah to meet with a girlfriend, then we heading to Rockingham to meet up with our other friend. Looking forward to spending some time with my bestest friends. 

Ohhh by the way….its not decided yet but hubby and I are thinking of doing another cruise. The South Pacific and Auckland, Taruanga, and Bay of Islands is on the cards…..anyone near there?

My week..

Kylee put these up on Facebook for me yesterday….her Master Independent likes to feed himself now…this is the outcome. How cute is he? Wish everyday they lived closer….

Its been a good week for me…
I have had extra hours at work so I have kept myself busy, the busier I am the less time I have to think about everything. 
I have also been concentrating on my weight watchers. I am doing filling and healthy again. Having the tracker back on my pc has me planning my meals again….and all my efforts were rewarded at wi this morning with a discard of 2.1. Still a long way to go, but I feel better that a start has been made.
I also went and got myself a tattoo. Those birds that keep flying into Paul's when we visit Tanya were my inspiration. 
Neither Ted or I are a lover of tattoo's but I felt it was something I had to do, so I did. 

50% off

Weight Watchers are having a 50% off sale my girlfriend messaged me so I came home from work today, hopped online registered and payed up for the 3 months. I sooooo have to do something…I am expanding more everyday. I am uncomfortable, my clothes don't fit and I am getting very depressed about it….which leads me to eat more !!! 
Meetings are on Thursday with the lovely Belinda who helped me get to my goal in 2007. Now at this stage I am not looking at any goals other than too lose weight and fit into my clothes, well the clothes I was wearing before Paul got sick. I am working tomorrow so I am going to the meeting tonight to get all the details so when next Thursday rolls around I should have a full week of being "on track" to weigh in.
I know its going to a hard journey this time, but just hitting that "register now" key on my computer today and paying to join did bring a sigh of relief. I can't do this on my own…tried and keep failing. All the failures have just led to me eating more….
I know my head is not in the right space for much lately, I cry at the drop of a hat,  I keep forgetting things, I am lethargic, I have so many things that need to be done but I can't summon the energy or I just can't be bothered.  Grief is horrible…losing Paul the way we did was horrible. Its so unfair. Its bought back memories of losing my brother, Ted's 2 brothers, Roses, my Dad, and all the others like Ted's cousin a few weeks before Paul in a truck accident, so many we have lost in all different ways and all before their time. Its sux. I know from all the losses we have had that time does heal to a certain extent but the pain never really goes away. Little things like the other day I walked passed a man who was wearing the same Old Spice after shave as Dad used to and the tears flowed again….
Anyways I am off to shower and get ready for meeting before I change my mind. 

Today….Tomorrow

Today Paul has been gone 4 weeks. 
His little family are really struggling….all in different ways. Tanya struggles every day with her own grief, and all the paperwork that has to be sorted and then has to deal with all the emotions the kids have too.  Its so unfair.
I was down there on Thursday and we all had a chat and cry together. My 2 doves flew in whilst I was there, how can they not be an omen.
Ted is okay as he can be, he doesn't say a lot but sometimes I see him stop and just look into space and the wipe away a tear. We try to talk about Paul (and Roses) and have a smile and sometimes a laugh at our memories.  
Tears still flow, I often wake up with tears on my face. Talking with Simon, Shawn and Kylee and they flow. Little things….
I wonder why this world has been so cruel to us. We just keep on losing.
The other kids are having their moments too. Simon has gone up to Onslow to work. Lots of memories up there for him, thats where he and Paul had a lot of their teenage and early 20's together, we lived up there for over 14 years.  No work down here for him, or not enough to support his family….the last 6 months he has had only casual work and they were getting behind….so he is working 20 days away, 10 days home. Shawn comes up to work and sees me for a chat when he can, he at least has stayed out of trouble, I prayed he wouldn't go off the rails as he has a tendency to do so when he gets upset… Kylee…she just wants to come home. 
My anxiety attacks seem to be under control….I've had one more since I saw the Dr and practised what he showed me to do and I was able to breathe through it. Scary much though..
My thoughts are all over the place, jumbled…trying to write whats on my mind but that keeps on jumping from one thing to another…just can't get it down.

Tomorrow its 14 years since I lost my beloved Dad..
Hope you are taking Paul fishing Dad.  xx

Some days ……

…….are better than others…
Work is so hard, putting on a "face" to the public, when inside all you want to do is go home. Meeting people you know is hard and of course they want to talk about Paul, his cancer, his funeral and that is hard. Harder still is when they just reach out and hug you …. then the tears just don't stop. 
Seeing Tanya and the kids is hard too, they are like us trying to be brave and carrying on as normally as  they can. Kids are all in different stages of grief…but Tanya is coping with them. Comfort comes when we are down there and the 2 doves that were there on the day of his funeral come visiting too , we have seen them every time we been there now.
We went out to a 60th birthday party on Saturday, the husband of one my friends. It was very quiet party, just a few of their close friends, none that Ted and I knew, though I did know one other lady. We didn't stay long, neither of us were in the mood for celebrating.  I had what I think was a "anxiety attack" whilst there, scared the heck out of us both. I just felt sick to the stomach, felt dizzy, my heart started racing, started sweating and as soon as I stopped sweating I started feeling okay again…I had one at work too the other day too. I am seeing the Dr today and will talk to him about this, hope its something I doesn't happen again. 
Hearing a song on the radio that was played at his funeral had me in a blubbering mess on the drive home from work yesterday….I had to pull over as I couldn't see...

Its back to work...

Not only has a huge part part of our lives gone, a  big big part of Tanya's life has gone too. 17 years of togetherness was nowhere near long enough for her. 
And 35years with the son of my heart was not long enough…and my dear husband has lost another child, his precious eldest child, his mate…45 years was nowhere long enough.

 This is Paul and his sister Rosemary, taken  a few months before she was killed in an accident in May 1996.
As we were preparing to leave to go to the crematorium on Friday two doves came and landed on the fence at Tanya's. The male just sat there and looked around at us all, and the female preened her feathers. We think this was an omen that Paul was with her as they sat there just preening and watching us for about 5 minutes, even as the kids ran around making noise. It helped sooth our broken hearts a little. 

This pic was taken on their last holiday together as a family…treasured memories for them all.
Our lives, everyone of us,  has a huge hole in it now…
Our only thing that does console us all is that he did not linger, the cancer is not causing him any more pain.  He fought…but lost the battle.

I go back to work heavy hearted tomorrow.

Thank you all for the lovely messages of sympathy.