Up and down….

Following in my usual pattern I have been the regular yoyo…my moods and my weight up and down. Work hasn't helped, it has been so busy and I have been doing lots of extra hours as my supervisor has been quite ill and had to take some time off. She is back, but has pancreatitis and if she does too much she ends up in quite a bit of pain.
Anyways due to all this and a few other commitments I put a hold on my ww for 5 weeks as I was unable to get to meetings (why pay for them if you're not going to be there???) But I am still doing the online group weigh in and last weigh in I reached a number that I have not seen in a bloody long time. Talk about depressing. 
Anyways went shopping after work and saw these…..

 and in boxes with shakes for 10 days….marked down to under half price. So I grabbed 2 boxes. Another bonus…one refused to scan so I got it for nothing….
One week in….and I am loving them…great flavours, they are filling and quite refreshing…added bonus first week in and I am 2 kilo's down.
Today I had a partial day off (its online weigh in day)….and had bacon and eggs for breakfast with hubby, a shake for lunch as I was out and as per normal a normal tea….but tomorrow I will be back to my breakfast shake and lunch shake. I have some celebrity slim snack bars to help when needed but usually have fruit, and sometimes after work I will have some rice cakes with skinny cheese slices and vegemite….or rye cruskits with some vegemite smeared on…but not everyday. 

Tomorrow morning I am going to be out and about with Shawn kids, I haven't seen them in ages so we going to have a catch up at the beach. I am going to mix my shake up tomorrow morning with some mulberry's fresh off our tree and some ice just to make it go further. Strawberry's are on special this week too so might grab a punnett and do the same on Monday morning before work.

FINALLY my mum's little bit of money that she put aside for her funeral and headstone has been released….so this week I am have the honour of choosing her headstone. I have had some teary moments, her passing, or more the way she passed and the fact I was cruising in the South pacific at the time, is all still very raw….

yoyo

Don't know why I am bothering with weight watchers at the moment, I go well for a week or so then lose the plot….indulge myself, feel guilty and then start all over again…..  I can't seem to string a few good weeks together, if I could I might find the motivation to keep going. 
Sitting here at 5am, can't sleep, woke up at 3am and couldn't get back to sleep. I 'm going to be walking around like a zombie today at work. 

Kylee  has had her op and is doing really well. 2 weeks pre op (she did optifast for a week) to now she has lost over 10 kilo's. Truth be told I am a little jealous …. nahhh honestly it has been the best thing for her. She'd kill for a steak….but has a week or so to go before she can eat that. She is living on soups, custards and the like at the moment, can only get a half a dozen spoonfuls and she is full but a couple of hours later she is hungry again. She will be happy to eat something nutritious and filling.

A wee little boy is awake and up now…too early but looks like he wants me to entertain him, he has come in with some books to read. 

Long weekend

And that's been my motto this weekend.....though I just stuffed all my good work today by eating a handful of bikkies tonight......grrrrrrrrr angry at myself now. I was feeling down and before I knew it the bikkies were eaten...  
Ohhh well, before I head up to Perth tomorrow morning I will fit in a nice long walk. I did one this morning and you know what even though I huffed and puffed I enjoyed it. I have really let myself go. 
I rejoined WW paying for 6 months and already I have wasted 3 months, I have done nothing but yoyo. I had a good loss last week, after gaining over a kilo the week before. The week before was very hard, a year without Paul. We had a family gathering at the crematorium and released some white balloons...it helped being together. 

But anyways back to WW....I am now trying to shift this weight off.....it's really affecting my well being. I am struggling to do so many things that I used to find so easy, like doing up shoelaces...its just got to be gone!!!
I go to pick up Kylee and William at the airport tomorrow morning. Kylee is having gastric sleeve surgery on Thursday morning. Her Dr has told her it will give her a chance to have more children.  Since William she has not ovulated, she has gained more weight, the cysts in her ovaries have increased. She has tried WW, Herbalife, and other shake diets and just can't do it. Her Dr noticed that before William was born she was going to have the sleeve done but it was cancelled due to her pregnancy so advised her to go for it. It may be her only chance to have another child.

I am taking days off work whilst Kylee is in hospital to look after the lil man....I am looking forward to it, certainly will keep me busy.

Right, have a few jobs to do before bed, so must away........

Questions answered....

Most of my struggles with my mum's death has been all the unanswered questions. Mum was found out in her small garden, not far from her steps. We don't know how or why she fell, if she fell down the steps, had a heart attack, or what. We know she had been de-heading her roses that day as the bucket with some in was next to the steps. We know from evidence of blood on the steps and fly wire door she tried to get back inside before she died. Nothing has come back from the coroner. Not many nights have gone by that I haven't woken up from a nightmare seeing mum laying outside, or struggling to get inside. Or not being able to go to sleep because I see her suffering when I close my eyes. Sleeping tablets are the only way I have been able to rest.
My daughter in law (Pauls partner) had a lot of unanswered questions too about Paul so she contacted a physic medium and went and saw her. She was very very impressed and advised me to visit her too....so I did. I do believe there is "something" after we die so I was most pleased mum, dad, Paul, Rosemary, my brother and my mum in law visited in my session with her. Mum gave me some peace with her answers.

This Saturday it's a year since we lost Paul, time has flown by...but yet it still feels like yesterday. We miss him so much. 

Darn knee….

Darn knee has been giving me "jip"
Pain had me in tears so ended up going to ED (emergency department) at hospital and sitting there for bloody hours to be told come back tomorrow for a ultrasound. Did that and next day rang my Dr for results. Fluid on the knee just under and to the side of the patella….so every time I walked thus the pain. Painkillers, anti-inflamortries, a knee brace and $$$'s later I am on the mend. Luckily I had days off to rest it…and now a week later it is well and truly on the mend thankfully.

A Facebook message yesterday….have a few minutes to call in, where do you live again. Gave the address and flew home to find Nola and hubby Ricky sitting in my gateway (the horn bag from Tassie)  Thanks Nola, lovely to see you again and to meet Ricky…..but we forgot the bloody photo's!!!! 

ww is going ok…I attend the meetings when I not working, wi's are up and down but I am under starting weight after 5 weeks so thats something. Not giving in….this extra weight hasn't helped my knee and its definitely not helping me! 

Day by day

I was given this verse and how true it is….
You never get over a loss….I think we all know that…

Lately some days are good, some are ok and some are just downright bloody awful.

Today I have been up at Ted's mum's cleaning out her wardrobes and cupboards….sad but also so therapeutic. Ted was out in the living room getting the walls ready to paint and I was like "hey come look at this, remember this?"  

Now Weight Watchers….weigh in showed a 100g gain…I never had time to go pee before I hopped on scales.
But since weigh in I have been on a feeding frenzy….damned emotions got the better of me again. I do need to rein it in, I can't let it get the better of me. I do have a fortnight before next weigh. One week it has been cancelled due to another event in our meeting room, and the other I am working. 
Dear Daughter left for Carnarvon yesterday, she arrived home safely this morning, she broke the long trip up by overnighting halfway. It looks like she is going to try again with her partner. She has said she can forgive him but she'll never forget what he has done. I had to keep my mouth shut, its her life and she does have a little boy to think of, a little boy that does idolise his Daddy. And Garry is a very good hands on Daddy with Willliam.  
I hope for her sake they can make a go of it, she has layed down so many stipulations and he has agreed…so that I must accept. 

Going better...

I did go visit my Dr re: the overwhelming grief…. a talk with him helped and I now go to see a lovely lady at the "wellness clinic" when I feel everything is just too much. 

Another thing I have done is rejoined ww….  I didn't think I would be able to focus on it, but on the advice from my Dr I am going. Weigh in today a loss of 1.4  Last week I gained 1.8 and the week before lost 1.2 soooo in the 3 weeks I have been going I am slightly in front. I am just taking it one day at a time. No stress.

I have my lil man here…and of course his Mummy. Little turd has well and truly hit the terrible 2's…. but I love him just the same..   Doesn't help that he has picked up on the vibes that Mummy and Daddy are not together and their is trouble between them. It may get worked out…but I sorta hope it doesn't …. what he has done will be done again as he has done it once before. Trust has been broken BUT its daughter's decision to make, not mine. 

Anyways….off to sit by by nice warm fire. Its bitterly cold here today. 

Mum's birthday

 It was Mum's 87th birthday on Friday so I drove down to Manjimup so I could go to her grave and give her the flowers I always gave her and that she loved receiving. My sister had to work till lunchtime but I arranged to catch up with a good friend of many years that I hadn't seen in ages at 9.30am. I got to Manjimup before then so went out to the cemetery to spend some time alone with Mum. Still struggling to come to terms with it, the fact we still don't know the cause of her death, whether she suffered or not and how long she was on her own outside before she was found. 
Still very overwhelming, still have moments that leave me in tears…..but my Doctor has been terrific in helping me deal with all that has happened in the last 12 months…
Anyways I made it back to catch up Glenys, who was my Maton of honour when I married Simon's Dad in 1973. We sat there drinking coffee and yakked yakked and yakked till nearly 1pm….it was just what I needed. 
Then drove to Sis's where we had a catch up and then drove out to Mum. We tidied up the grave, gave her her flowers and had a cry together. One of my cousins came out to join us and we spent some time reliving some memories. 
By the time I said all my goodbyes and got on the road it was quite late so it was nearly 7pm by the time I got home. Made it a long day as I was up early and on the road at 7.30am.

In 3 weeks time I'll have this lil cutie and his Mummy to stay for a week. Mummy has to see a specialist….so looking forward to having them here. 

Overwhelmed

Today I have been overwhelmed by emotions….its just all to hard. 

Today has been one of those days…..1 year today since Paul told us the terrible news that he had terminal cancer. 
Today I have cried, I have screamed, eaten a mountain of chocolate and cried some more. Tears are still running down my cheeks, just can't seem to stop them.
Its nearly midnight, I have work tomorrow but I just can't sleep….my brain won't shut down and let my body rest.
It's sux…its unfair…

This 12 months has been a total nightmare…and I think today it has all just caught up with me. The grief is terrible, its just caught me up and is consuming me. 

Lost the plot !!

With all thats been happening in the last 12 months I sometimes wonder how I am still standing. Its been tough, bloody tough…
A terminal diagnosis and four family deaths…life is pretty damn sux sometimes.
My health has suffered badly in these 12 months…I have gained so much weight and I am uncomfortable. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing myself, I look and feel disgusting. No-one but myself to blame, I know that…I have eaten everyone of those emotions I have felt in the last 12 months. Its not as if I haven't tried to control myself, I have. I have tried to focus on controlling my diet…but something else happens and away I go again…chomp chomp chomp…
Now how do I stop it….how do I break the habit again, where do I find the strength to start all over again???  I am still a member of the online weight loss group, I did weigh in on Friday and report a gain….but since then I have had mother in laws funeral and the wake, and a weekend of family here. 
Getting towards midnight here, work again tomorrow, but I can't sleep. I have been having trouble sleeping for a while, more so since I lost my Mum. My head is going around and around in circles…. I wish life was just a little bit simpler. 

Another goodbye

Tonight, unexpectedly we had to say goodbye to Ted's mum…..she would have been 91 this year. She was very frail and crippled with arthritis but we did expect to have her with us a little longer. But  tonight she left us. Sleep peacefully Mum xx

 You can continue the natter you were having with my mum now. 

Mothers Day

I received this gorgeous book from my cousin the other day in the mail. Its full of photo's of Mum with me and my family, what a beautiful memory book it is. I just sat down and cried, Sue made up one for my brother and sister as well, what a beautiful gesture that I and they will treasure forever. 
I will catch up with my cousin next week and she'll be getting the biggest cuddle from me. She messaged me today and said she'll make up one for my kids too if they want one and I know Kylee does so I'll organise some pics for her. 

I am going down to Manjimup tomorrow to catch up with my sister, we still have a few things to sort out, one of them being a headstone for Mum. It is going to be horrible going down there and not being able to go to Mum's…someone is already in her rented unit. Being Mother's Day on Sunday, tomorrow will give me a chance to go to Mum's grave and leave her some flowers. 
Sunday will be spent up at Ted's mum's, we are going to take a plate up to share. All being us and Ted's brothers and family. 

Went down to catch up cuppa with Tanya on Thursday. She is struggling on, misses Paul daily. She has finished her Aged Care course and is in the process of sending out resume's.  

I rejoined the online weight loss challenge group I was in. Last challenge I was in the top 5 losers till I got back from our cruise. Then I got that chill that turned into bronchial asthma and ended up being 1.8 above the weight I started the challenge. 
Sooooo here I go again. The challenge is great, its something to focus on other than my misery. A loss of 800g this week, happy with that.

Right, I off to get ready for tomorrow. Starting the day with a "jabber walk" with my buddy IF its not raining in the morning. Was pelting down earlier tonight and its still raining now. A huge front is meant to cross the coast tonight and the rain now is just the start of it so I may not be walking. 

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mum's, hope you have a wonderful day. 

On the mend

So many times I pick up the phone and to ring Mum and tell her something that has happened….before I realise I can't. 
….and I still ring Paul's phone just to hear his voice on his message bank….
The loss of Mum seems to have intensified the grief inside me and I cry at any little memory of all those that I have lost in the past, even my brother who has been gone 37 years ago now. 
I pray that Mum is safe in Tom's (my brother's) arms watching over us, she and him had a very special bond…he was her "devil" child. 

Anyways I am on the road to recovery with my asthma, no more steroids. My chest is still sore, but I am not wheezy anymore…though still get breathless if I exert myself.  I will attempt to start walking next week if I continue to improve. And if the weather improves, its been very cold and windy with some rain…not very pleasant at all at the ungodly hour of 5am which is the hour I leave to drive into work. 

My online weight challenge finished today. I went from one of the top 5 losers (3 weeks ago) to having a gain of 1.8 for the challenge…
….But I rejoined for the next 3 months and I plan to focus on getting the weight off.  It will help keep my mind active and ease the grief a bit I hope. 
Paul was so proud of me when I lost the weight last time and of how I kept it off…I want to show him and Mum that I can do it. Mum always worried about me and my weight yoyo'ing so much. Thyroid being inactive doesn't help much either as my sister has just found out, she has just been diagnosed with the same problem. 

Its time to go do dishes and organise myself for work tomorrow….

Anzac Day

                                    Lest We Forget 


Not much happening in the world of  Jen, unless you count bronchial asthma, over-eating and work. I have been to the Doc about the asthma, have steroids and a inhaler and doing ok now…..just soooooo darn bone weary tired.  Having nightmares about Mum falling down and being left outside overnight happen most nights too. 
Trouble going on with Kylee and Garry too…don't know which way that is going to go, had to lend Kylee money to get them out of some financial troubles… it doesn't look too good up there. 
Sitting in dressing gown and nightie right now…its nearly 11.15am and I have done nothing…and no plans to do much at all today.  Have early shift tomorrow morning….so going to make the most of a super lazy day. 

Emotions

A couple of nights out into our cruise I received word my dear mum had passed away. My family requested I keep sailing as due to the circumstances of her death there had to be a coroners inquiry….so the funeral would be delayed anyway.
I did try to enjoy my cruise….and meeting Chris, Lyn and Lee-Anne was the best !!  Ted got to meet up with some of his ham radio friends along the way too. 

I was okay while we were travelling, but once I got home and walked to the phone to ring her and tell her I was home reality set in and the grief was overwhelming. At the funeral I lost the plot. A lot of emotions to deal with yet, one is not making the time to go see her before I left on the cruise (even though on the day I could go she said not too as she had plans).

It is believed but not yet confirmed that mum had a stroke as she was walking out in her garden after de-heading her roses, she fell causing a massive head injury and died trying to get inside.  That hurts knowing no-one was with her, that no-one knew till the next day, that she layed outside cold and alone. People did visit that day she died but because she had the front door locked everyone assumed she was out with friends. 

Right I am off to work…tears are streaming down my face, I just can't talk about it anymore. So soon after Paul, the double whammy grief is hurting so much. 

Love you mum xx Miss you Paul xx

Today is the day

We begin our journey this afternoon by flying to Sydney where we will spend a couple of days with a friend, before boarding our ship The Explorer of the Seas on Wednesday. Its exciting….as this time time I get to meet up with some of my blogger friends…Lyn, Chris, Lee-Anne and Jackie.
Ted gets to meet up with some of his radio friends too.
But more importantly Ted and I get some "time out" together….just us, away from home….we need it.

Up early this morning, ate a whole heap of chocolate yesterday…and due to the rain we have had I didn't get to walk, it was raining to much to do a walk in the rain….so I am going to get an hour in as soon as its light.

The "demon scales" showed a 400g gain Friday…and today I guess would be double that….BUT hopefully I can now control my eating and get back on track.
Going to be hard on holiday BUT I have promised myself I will walk everyday and NOT "pig out" on all the yummy's onboard.

See you soon….

Its been quiet….

Not much has been happening in the world of Jen…just work, days off…more work…
This fortnights roster is nearly finished, the next one will be waiting for me when I go to work tomorrow,  but should only be one or 2 days work on it as my holidays start on the Friday evening and as Friday is Good Friday all the shopping centres will be closed. 
Can't believe its just over a week before we fly to Sydney ready to catch the boat.
I have just about done all the packing, just a few more items to pack. Very peeved still that NONE of the clothes I wore on the last cruise STILL don't fit….BUT I am happy that I am still slowlllllly losing the weight again. I keep reminding myself that I do need to focus on something else besides my weight…but its my weight being where it is that makes me unhappy. I know a lot of the weight I carrying comes from grieving, grieving as Paul had terminal cancer and then his passing. But I am remembering now how happy Paul was when I lost weight last time and how happy I was that I managed to keep it off for so long. My weight had been going up before Paul's diagnosis, thats was my fault. I eat to make myself feel better, I eat because "darn it I am starting my diet tomorrow so I can", I eat for so many reasons and not many of them are because I am hungry, and when I do eat its "comfort food". Its the comfort food I have to stop eating. I managed to do when I lost the weight last time, so I have to teach myself again not to comfort eat.

Trying not to worry about my Sis, haven't heard from her re appointment with the female Dr. I am not ringing her and pestering her, she'll get the appointment and let me know when. She is more stubborn than I am, know if I pester her she'll shut me out…
I am going down there next week so see Mum before Easter and before we fly out so I will know more then. 

Weigh in this morning…lost 300g…slowlllly going down. 

2nd opinion

I have been on tenterhooks all this week waiting for today to find out what the results of my sister's cat scan on her breast. She went to the Dr today and he THINKS it just a swollen gland and he wants her to keep an eye on it and if it doesn't go away go back and they will do a biopsy.
REALLY???
My sister wasn't over concerned and was happy with that.
Me..I was gobsmacked!! 
I told her I would have had at least thought they would have done a biopsy just to make sure.
Nope, she said I will just keep an eye on it. Told her it was her call but I was concerned.
SO….I rang my brother. Told him all the above and asked him if I was over thinking it?? 
He said I might be considering all that I had been through of late BUT he would talk to her and remind her of his ex girlfriend Margaret and her breast lump that did turn out to be a nasty cancer.
Later on this evening I had a text back from my sister saying thank you Sis, I am getting a second opinion as soon as she can get an appointment with a female Dr as it would be be better to be safe than sorry.
THANK GOD !! 
phewwwww I can breathe a little easier for awhile now.

It was weigh in day today. Wasn't sure how I would go as I had a real bad day yesterday, it was 6 months since we had lost Paul but my very dodgy scales said a loss of 300gms. 
I really need new scales but they can wait till the end of this challenge. 

Just 16 days till we fly to Sydney, 19 days till we set sail….

Now onwards to I hope a better stressless week.

Birthday over...

This is my motto this week…after my birthday, then birthday party I need to do that U turn and get back on the straight and narrow. This weeks weigh in was a gain of 1.1  Normal I guess when you eat crap, drink wine and eat more. Tried the U turn last week after my birthday but it ended up being just a 3 point turn as I got diverted….more meals out and more wine.  Well I guess I only turn 60 once!!  BUT its only just over 3 weeks before we fly to Sydney ready for our cruise, would like to lose a few more kilo's.  Picked up our tickets from the travel agent….so its all go. 

Update on Sister, she has a Dr appointment NEXT Friday, so we are thinking positive….if scans had shown something bad you would think the Drs would have made an urgent appointment wouldn't you??  It hasn't stopped me stressing but I'm not stressing as much now…

Onwards….

Birthday Week

My Besties 

My kids..there is always one !!

Me and my Mummy..

Sisters

Family 


It was the best night…..my extended family and closest friends.
My gorgeous niece made my cake…it was a surprise until she arrived with it…I just burst into tears.
My besties were there, along with my kids and grandee's. Tanya came out too, very teary for her to start with, the last time she was out here with family and friends was for Paul's wake….which I understood as were a little teary ourselves.
My sister had herself a good night too even though she has just received some bad news. She has found a lump under her arm, tests results aren't the best BUT tomorrow we will know more…
Not the best ww week, but I did have a stay the same….unfortunately I don't it will stay the same next weigh in as I haven't had the best of eating over the past 4 days.

New month tomorrow and that means it will be cruise month…come Easter we will fly to Sydney ready to board our cruise ship on the 30th.