Weeks of birthdays...and Easter

Easter eggs, chocolates...ahhh they are my friends this week and Easter isn't officially here till tomorrow.....
I have had a terrible 2 days, tears for no reason, sad for no known reason...and then I remembered...Mum's funeral was today 1 year ago. Geeeee I miss her.
Food has always been my choice of comfort....on days like the last 2 days I wish it wasn't. I have binged and I feel so darn sick for it....hopefully I won't crave chocolate again for a long time!!! 

Lots of birthdays this week and next.
We have just had Caitlins...she is Pauls eldest, she turned 15 on Saturday.
Today is Kaleb's...he turned 8 today...he is missing his Daddy too.
Yes...he still in prison, doing as well as he can be in there. I still haven't visited and I don't intend too. I have no desire to visit there and see him in prison greens...nope not going to do that!!
A friend is taking his 2 girls (13 and 10 years) to see him tomorrow....he is looking forward to it. He rings once or twice a week, he says he is clean of all traces of drugs, has put on weight, his skin is clear...so being in there has helped in that way.
He still on remand awaiting sentence...he hopes to get that at the end of this month...apparently it was was to be on the 6th April but he asked to pay off his fines with more time so it was put off till the end of the month.

Matthew has his birthday on Tuesday, as does Hannah (Kaleb's mum), 21st is Tracey's, on the 25th Luke our eldest grandchild turns 21...and then Ted has his birthday on the 27th.
April is our horror month for birthdays....guess every family has months like that.

Feeling blahhh so off to bed to read my book, another work day tomorrow.  

Mum's Anniversary.

It was 12 months since we lost Mum on the 31st March.
The past 2 days I have been lost, overwhelmed with sadness....back to my old ways of eating my emotions and drinking.....
But today I realised Mum wouldn't want me to do this to myself...I am hurting but in the long run I am only doing damage to myself. After the journey I have been on during the last 18 months I HAVE to look forward, I don't want to go back there again. 
So today...I suck it up...and begin again. 
Heck... BUT I miss her so much....

Sis went to her resting place on Friday and left flowers from us both. The headstone I organised is on....went down there 2 weeks ago and approved it. My brother and sister came out and we all viewed it together for the first time.
Everytime we go there birds are present.  The day we said goodbye there was doves, the day of the headstone viewing it was parrots, Friday Sis says there was a willy wag tail hopping around....Mum loved birds and was always feeding them.

Spread those wings Mum and fly high with the Angels xx

Day out.....

On Monday Kylee and William picked me up for a day out. I had organised a catch up with my friends Carol and Robyn. Kylee gets on well with them both...and neither of them had seen William for a while so a  trip to the city was organised. Neither of them had seen Kylee since she had had the "sleeve" done and had lost weight.
We drove to Mandarah, picked up Rob and drove to the train station...Williams first trip on a train. He kept every one amused with his running commentary of all that he could see....he especially loved the tunnels. 

We got to the station and Carol was waiting along with another good friend Gina....so it was going to be the best catch up....and it was.  We walked and walked, and talked and talked...and talked some more. Lunch out in a pub...and after that was devoured we walked out into a park and let William run amok.
I had bought along a fold up pusher which saved his little legs...and kept him out of mischief. I was so proud of him, he was so well behaved. He can be a typical 3 year old with tanties at the drop of a hat but not one was had. My friends were amazed at how well he did behave. I was thrilled that he stayed dry all day and asked to go to the toilet whenever he needed to go.  Toilet training is going well. 

Master William is Lightening McQueen obsessed so when I saw these, I just had to buy them. He was asleep in the pram when I did so didn't see them till Mummy unpacked them when she got home....so of course he had to wear them....
I can't wait for the next series of Lightening McQueen to come out....think I have seen series 1 and 2 too many times already....

Isn't my girl looking fantastic? Approaching 38 kilo's down now...and in the last 10 kilo's that she wants to lose..
I spoilt her in Perth and bought her two lovely tops that she fell in love with...and I must say she looked darn good in too. Clothes than she wouldn't have worn before either....these show off her gorgeous shape now... a shape she hasn't had for a long time.
Think I have William Saturday night as she and Garry are going to have a date night so she can dress up in one of her outfits. 


And talking about weight....I hit a milestone the on my Friday weigh in...a number I haven't seen in what feels like forever. Loving 5:2.
I had a blow out during the week, but the beauty of this way of life is I can climb back on the wagon and turn it around. Self sabotage is not happening too often at all now...think I can see results happening all the time and the effort I am putting into it is being rewarded with continual weight losses.

Happy Birthday DD

Its a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dear daughter Kylee.
It is great to have her home and be able to share the day with her and her little family.
Garry cooked a creamy garlic fettuccinni for their dinner and because he made heaps he asked if we wanted some for ours. Didn't say no to him thats for sure and glad we didn't, it was very very yummy. They came out with the ice-cream cake I delivered to Kylee this morning as part of her birthday gift. 

As for the other drama's Simon up the hill is still battling on up there. Haven't heard too much from him but he did say nothing has changed up there.  She wants them to have counselling….mmmmm don't think that will work as she doesn't listen, its never her, it has never been!!  So what will happen, who knows!

And the Troublesome one is still inside. He rings every few days, he is ok. No one has bailed him out. Still have no idea what is happening about a sentence date…I haven't heard. He had court via video link on Friday but the link failed so that was postponed. What that was for I have no idea.  He was also meant to have minor surgery on his hand, a broken bone needed a pin put in it, haven't heard if that was done. Ted spoke to him last, and he forgot to ask him. Phone calls are 10 minutes only so not always enough time. He says he is determined to sort out his life, lets hope so. 

5:2 way of life is going well. Lost weight again last week. 
Mucked up a bit today with Kylee's birthday but I will make up for that tomorrow. 

Off to do dishes and tidy up before shower and bed. Work for me tomorrow.  Had a very lazy 2 days off. No William tonight, or a daycare run as Garry is on days off. William will enjoy having a Daddy day. 

Update….

What a week….

 Last Friday we took up to Carnarvon and moved daughter and co…
Haven't got a real lot of stuff…..mmmmm one load overfull, another trailer full they had to tow after borrowing a trailer….AND putting some on a pallet and freighting down….
Anyways they are here now.   They had to wait to Friday 4pm to get the keys back from their house as the tenants left the place in a pigsty. It still smells strongly of the incesest they burnt continuously in there…
BUT they are slowly getting everything in there…and should spend their first night there tonight.
They both start work tomorrow. One has a early morning shift and the other a afternoon/evening so William won't be in constant care. They are putting him into daycare 2 days a week for social interaction with other kids. 

Me…I am travelling along.
I am having my odd moments where food is still my emotional friend…
On the road travelling for 4 days food choices weren't the best….but I survived by doing 5:2 and only gained a little. 
This week has been different. 
Troublesome one rang me the other day from JAIL…he is in. He is on remand, has no idea how long for..said it could be 2 weeks or could be 2 years. Sorry son…I am not visiting. I do not want to see you in lockup. What do you do….stress, then eat then move on…he chose to go the pathway he is on. Hoping with a few friends in the know that he can get into a few programs that will help him go on the straight and narrow. 

Other son is having big time marriage troubles. He is out and about and not dealing with the situation very well at all. Tracey isn't the easiest person to live with….no matter what he does it is wrong and she don't care who hears what she has to say about him, she puts him down constantly to everyone…even us!! 

Anyways…I must suck up my emotions…and get on with it. 
I can't fight their battles for them….I can stand by and support them, but the choices are theirs to make. 

5:2 and more….

Well 5:2 is going well. Last weigh in was Wednesday and that showed me another loss….thats now 4 kilo's in 3 weeks. 

Today has been a bad day for me, I have eaten way too much. My stomach is distended and sore…and I am angry at myself. I had a early shift this morning and from the time I opened my eyes I felt off…just couldn't get it together. Teary, snappy, unhappy for a reason I couldn't figure out till tonight. Today Mum's headstone would have arrived into the monument workshop. It will only be a matter of putting the plaque on and fitting it, hopefully we see it up in the next few days. 
Ted's mum's has been restored as she rests with Ted's Dad and his brother. It was looking very tired so instead of the new one they recommended we followed Teds mum's wishes and had it cleaned up…it looks new. 

Isn't my girl looking good…not the best pic but I love it. So proud of her. 

 Kylee and Garry and my wee man came down last weekend. Garry had a interview for a bakers position in Woolworths. They were very happy with him but he told them he could only move down if Kylee was offered a position too. With a few phone calls to other stores in the area by Garry's boss to be by Friday Garry and Kylee were told they were to start down here on February 20th. They will be working in different stores but hey they both have work.
The bakery in Carnarvon was put into lockdown while they were down here due to unpaid rent. All the shops there are in similar positions..but Garry and Kylee have really been struggling for awhile. They owe thousands….but hope that selling ovens etc from the bakery that will help with the debt. 
They both agree it was a blessing in disguise…they now can move forward to a brighter future. 
So next weekend we are hooking up our big trailer to the 4x4 and heading up to load their furniture etc and bring down here. Kylee and Garry should be packing up as I type and will have the house done by the time we get there next Saturday. 
A new addition will be coming down with them. William's little mate River…now renamed Riba as the young man can't say River, it keeps coming out as Riba..
Its all working out well..the renters in Kylee's house move out on the 15th so they will only have to stay with us a night or so till her keys are handed back. 

 Isn't he just too cute…and of course so is Riba 

Monday 6th…

I answered a reverse charge call from the troublesome one at breakfast this morning……Mum I am in the shit again, I stole a car that someone had left the keys in, I have to go to court again !!!! 
Me ... you damn idiot…haven't we taught you better…
Operator……that is one minute, do you wish to extend the call accepting charges of $4.30 a minute.
Me…… no and hang up.

Later I hear from a friend he also had 2 ounces of drugs on him too and also will be charged for possession. 

When will he learn, why won't he listen to us. We only had him out here for a night the other night, we talked and talked and thought we had got through to him. But once again drugs win, drugs mean more to him than us or his children apparently. 

Trying yet again !!

Well thats a good excuse, wish that was my reason….the only reason I have is food is my comfort and I eat till I overeat…then stuff in some more!!
Joining ww didn't give me the motivation I needed…just been wasting my money…and now with my roster being changed yet again to fill in for others on holidays I can't make the meetings. 
I am just so over myself….I am heavier that ever….over my start weight when I started ww in 2004/5.
So what am I going to do….I ain't a quitter as you know…
Well my dear friend Deb had a operation on her shoulder, then went on holiday for 6 weeks and due to her recovery and the travelling she has gained big time too. During her recovery from the op she didn't walk….and soooo of course I didn't walk much on my own, not much fun when you have no-one to jabber too…..someone that you have been jabbering and walking with now for over 20 years!! 
Deb had been doing the 5:2 diet before her shoulder started paining her so we both giving that a go. I watched Deb loose weight on it last time she did it so I know it works….so yep here I GO AGAIN !!! Day 2 today, a fast time and allowed to eat only 500 calories….all good so far. 
Another friend started it last week and had a good loss so hey its worth a go….PLUS daughter dear is now in double numbers, she is 30 kilo's down now…she going to be lighter than me soon...

The troublesome one is giving me heaps of stress….why can't he see the big fuck up that he has made of his life?? Told him today after I helped him out yet again with food and a few dollars that today was it….NO MORE, I wipe my hands on him until he decides to straighten his life out.  Can't help him as he won't help himself…he can't see that he needs help actually…..other than bludging of me is what he considers help!! Hubby would kill me if he knew how much I have helped him. 
I don't want him near me at the moment…I love him dearly, but I don't like him one little bit!! He seems to think as parents we SHOULD help him out even though he is 34 !!! Nope…tough love is gonna happen. I am not going to let him threaten my health any more. 

Extra motivation….and its my mantra now. 
I want to lose 15 kilo's (more if I can) in 10 months. That works out to be 1.5 kilo a month…very realistic and very doable.
And the reason….we are off cruising again,….Fiji here we come at the end of October. We fly to Sydney and sail out of there again. 
Should have waited a bit before I booked it as I know prices will go down. This cruise is only 11 days and they usually cost about a $100 to $120 a day…this one is a little bit more. Ted reckons we been ripped off….but you know what I don't care, its paid for and we going. 
Life is too short not to get out there and enjoy. We have learnt that….and it was hit home again on Saturday when we had to say goodbye to another close friend. 

Happier New Year

How I have missed these two ladies over the festive season so much.
Its been the worst and the quietest Christmas I have ever had. Saw most of the family in the week before Christmas, but Christmas Day right up to now the only family member I have seen is the troublesome son…(who is in the shit right up to his eyeballs, stupid idiot!!)
Christmas was kept alive with Kylee sending video's of the little man on Christmas…and on his birthday 2 days later. The 1st christmas and birthday we have spent without them being here. 
yeah felt very alone….thankfully Ted and I get on real well and we enjoy each others company…so we made the most of it. Done nothing, been nowhere….other than up to his mum's,  daughter, son and brother's graves Christmas eve. 
Both of us were missing our Mums…usually go and see Mum just before Christmas, which I did but this time I decorated her grave. Had lunch with brother and sister as we always do but this time there was a chair empty at the table. And we usually have a family get together up at Ted's mum's, all taking a plate of something and having potluck…

Ohh I did catch up with the gorgeous Rach between Christmas Day and New Year, a friend I met many many years ago at WW…we have remained in contact even though she has moved over East. On Friday we had a catch up…so lovely to spend time with her again. 

Today is New Years Day…another day just Ted and I. Went to bed early and slept in the New Year. 
Mooched around the house and caught up on some chores. And ate.
All my hard work with my weight loss has been blow to smithereens as all I have done is eat eat and eat some more. I know it doesn't help me, just makes me more miserable but I still do it.
Tomorrow I WILL get back on track….and see if this is my year to get back to the land of living…instead of just existing. 

BTW…pics of daughter….so proud of her. It was very brave to admit she had a big problem with her weight. Very hard to admit to herself that she and her weight weren't helping her with her POCS and having more children. I admire her courage in having this op and giving herself a chance to have more children…and if she can't….giving her good health to run after the little one and her stepchildren. 

 She has gone from this…………..

 To this………………………...

 I am a very very proud Mum.  

A Very Very Happy New Year to you all…..
May you all enjoy good health, happiness and joyful blessings. 

Christmas..

Christmas Day tomorrow and hubby and I will spend it alone. 
Tanya has gone up to sisters in Geraldton and going to stay up there till the New Year.
Simon is as far as I know spending his at home as Tracey is working. Things are not too well up there, don't know whats going to happen there. 
Shawn…well he is going through a troublesome stage again, homeless and wandering the streets, sleeping on "friends" couches.
Kylee and Garry can't make it down this year due to the fact she had time off this year,  using her annual leave to have her op….(btw she is looking bloody fantastic) 

We did get to spend time with Tanya and Tracey and all the kids over the weekend and during the week so we have exchanged gifts and had cuddles. 
Shawn came out this evening, raided the fridge, used the shower, borrowed a backpack, loaded it up and left again…so we know he is ok..

Anyways….to one and all….



MERRY CHRISTMAS, blessings to you all xxx

Melt down….

I had been going really well with everything, life, work, weight watchers (where I am still going with the shakes ) and where I was losing a few hundred grams each week, then wham bang thank you, I woke up the other morning in tears and couldn't stop crying.  I ate myself silly trying to stop the emotions pouring out of my eyes. 
 It was like I was back in the first sages of my grief.  Then hubby pointed out after lots of cuddles and talking that Sunday would be the 1st Christmas family get together without mum.   So it all started to make sense. (My niece always has a Xmas dinner at hers with us, her twin, her sister,  my brother and sister and families)
Anyways…2 days of crying, moping around and endless amounts of food later I am back on track…
BTW the lunch was lovely and hard though it was we did have lots of laughs. 

Please do….

Please if you do have a friend who has lost someone very dear, please do talk to them about their loss, don't be afraid. I am thankful  I do have a couple of friends that do remind me of some lovely memories. Yes, it is a gift…a lovely gift and I do thank them 
There is others that tell me its time to let go and move on, and even one that has told me they are dead and buried, get over it!!  
The last 17 months have been the worst in my life. I have struggled with my grief, but with some wonderful friends, my doctor and some counselling I am moving slowly forward. 

This and that….

Pic of my front garden above….have about 70 roses in there…its starting to look pretty special. Those you can see under the red bottle brush are roses I bought back from my sister's that were mum's...

Still plodding along here ok….not much happening in the world of Jen. Its work, home do chores, sleep and back to work again.
Now that summer is coming we won't do much at all, we don't travel far then, hubby has a thing about bush fires, so like to be prepared. Can see his point….we had a very big one not all that far from us last summer, it wiped out a whole little town and killed a couple of people. And we do live on a bush block and have bush around us…so it could happen here too. 

Still doing well with the shakes….and losing weight slowly. Just going to take it day by day, I am only a few weeks in but still loving them, and coping with the not eating till snack time in the afternoon.  Mixing fruit up in the shakes when I can is helping to keep me fuller and more satisfied.
Weigh in day was Friday, down 800g. That morning I had bacon and eggs and toast for breakfast which made a lovely change, a shake for lunch then my normal tea.  Lets see how I go….

Hubby still working on his mum's house. Hopefully by mid next year it will be on the market…and it sells quickly. Then we can start planning our next holiday. Canada is the dream….

Kylee is doing well still after her op…about 15 kilo down now. 

Shawn, the troublesome one….still trouble but seems not to be having too many drama's. I spent a day with him and his kids last weekend….boy are they growing up quickly….too quickly.
Thinking about it….early next year my eldest granddaughters will be 15….where does time go.

I organised Mum's headstone the other day, that should be completed and installed by the end of February, early March. Pictures look pretty special so here's hoping it does.

Clouds coming in and its starting to cool down, best go get the washing off the line…..till next time………..

Up and down….

Following in my usual pattern I have been the regular yoyo…my moods and my weight up and down. Work hasn't helped, it has been so busy and I have been doing lots of extra hours as my supervisor has been quite ill and had to take some time off. She is back, but has pancreatitis and if she does too much she ends up in quite a bit of pain.
Anyways due to all this and a few other commitments I put a hold on my ww for 5 weeks as I was unable to get to meetings (why pay for them if you're not going to be there???) But I am still doing the online group weigh in and last weigh in I reached a number that I have not seen in a bloody long time. Talk about depressing. 
Anyways went shopping after work and saw these…..

 and in boxes with shakes for 10 days….marked down to under half price. So I grabbed 2 boxes. Another bonus…one refused to scan so I got it for nothing….
One week in….and I am loving them…great flavours, they are filling and quite refreshing…added bonus first week in and I am 2 kilo's down.
Today I had a partial day off (its online weigh in day)….and had bacon and eggs for breakfast with hubby, a shake for lunch as I was out and as per normal a normal tea….but tomorrow I will be back to my breakfast shake and lunch shake. I have some celebrity slim snack bars to help when needed but usually have fruit, and sometimes after work I will have some rice cakes with skinny cheese slices and vegemite….or rye cruskits with some vegemite smeared on…but not everyday. 

Tomorrow morning I am going to be out and about with Shawn kids, I haven't seen them in ages so we going to have a catch up at the beach. I am going to mix my shake up tomorrow morning with some mulberry's fresh off our tree and some ice just to make it go further. Strawberry's are on special this week too so might grab a punnett and do the same on Monday morning before work.

FINALLY my mum's little bit of money that she put aside for her funeral and headstone has been released….so this week I am have the honour of choosing her headstone. I have had some teary moments, her passing, or more the way she passed and the fact I was cruising in the South pacific at the time, is all still very raw….

yoyo

Don't know why I am bothering with weight watchers at the moment, I go well for a week or so then lose the plot….indulge myself, feel guilty and then start all over again…..  I can't seem to string a few good weeks together, if I could I might find the motivation to keep going. 
Sitting here at 5am, can't sleep, woke up at 3am and couldn't get back to sleep. I 'm going to be walking around like a zombie today at work. 

Kylee  has had her op and is doing really well. 2 weeks pre op (she did optifast for a week) to now she has lost over 10 kilo's. Truth be told I am a little jealous …. nahhh honestly it has been the best thing for her. She'd kill for a steak….but has a week or so to go before she can eat that. She is living on soups, custards and the like at the moment, can only get a half a dozen spoonfuls and she is full but a couple of hours later she is hungry again. She will be happy to eat something nutritious and filling.

A wee little boy is awake and up now…too early but looks like he wants me to entertain him, he has come in with some books to read. 

Long weekend

And that's been my motto this weekend.....though I just stuffed all my good work today by eating a handful of bikkies tonight......grrrrrrrrr angry at myself now. I was feeling down and before I knew it the bikkies were eaten...  
Ohhh well, before I head up to Perth tomorrow morning I will fit in a nice long walk. I did one this morning and you know what even though I huffed and puffed I enjoyed it. I have really let myself go. 
I rejoined WW paying for 6 months and already I have wasted 3 months, I have done nothing but yoyo. I had a good loss last week, after gaining over a kilo the week before. The week before was very hard, a year without Paul. We had a family gathering at the crematorium and released some white balloons...it helped being together. 

But anyways back to WW....I am now trying to shift this weight off.....it's really affecting my well being. I am struggling to do so many things that I used to find so easy, like doing up shoelaces...its just got to be gone!!!
I go to pick up Kylee and William at the airport tomorrow morning. Kylee is having gastric sleeve surgery on Thursday morning. Her Dr has told her it will give her a chance to have more children.  Since William she has not ovulated, she has gained more weight, the cysts in her ovaries have increased. She has tried WW, Herbalife, and other shake diets and just can't do it. Her Dr noticed that before William was born she was going to have the sleeve done but it was cancelled due to her pregnancy so advised her to go for it. It may be her only chance to have another child.

I am taking days off work whilst Kylee is in hospital to look after the lil man....I am looking forward to it, certainly will keep me busy.

Right, have a few jobs to do before bed, so must away........

Questions answered....

Most of my struggles with my mum's death has been all the unanswered questions. Mum was found out in her small garden, not far from her steps. We don't know how or why she fell, if she fell down the steps, had a heart attack, or what. We know she had been de-heading her roses that day as the bucket with some in was next to the steps. We know from evidence of blood on the steps and fly wire door she tried to get back inside before she died. Nothing has come back from the coroner. Not many nights have gone by that I haven't woken up from a nightmare seeing mum laying outside, or struggling to get inside. Or not being able to go to sleep because I see her suffering when I close my eyes. Sleeping tablets are the only way I have been able to rest.
My daughter in law (Pauls partner) had a lot of unanswered questions too about Paul so she contacted a physic medium and went and saw her. She was very very impressed and advised me to visit her too....so I did. I do believe there is "something" after we die so I was most pleased mum, dad, Paul, Rosemary, my brother and my mum in law visited in my session with her. Mum gave me some peace with her answers.

This Saturday it's a year since we lost Paul, time has flown by...but yet it still feels like yesterday. We miss him so much. 

Darn knee….

Darn knee has been giving me "jip"
Pain had me in tears so ended up going to ED (emergency department) at hospital and sitting there for bloody hours to be told come back tomorrow for a ultrasound. Did that and next day rang my Dr for results. Fluid on the knee just under and to the side of the patella….so every time I walked thus the pain. Painkillers, anti-inflamortries, a knee brace and $$$'s later I am on the mend. Luckily I had days off to rest it…and now a week later it is well and truly on the mend thankfully.

A Facebook message yesterday….have a few minutes to call in, where do you live again. Gave the address and flew home to find Nola and hubby Ricky sitting in my gateway (the horn bag from Tassie)  Thanks Nola, lovely to see you again and to meet Ricky…..but we forgot the bloody photo's!!!! 

ww is going ok…I attend the meetings when I not working, wi's are up and down but I am under starting weight after 5 weeks so thats something. Not giving in….this extra weight hasn't helped my knee and its definitely not helping me! 

Day by day

I was given this verse and how true it is….
You never get over a loss….I think we all know that…

Lately some days are good, some are ok and some are just downright bloody awful.

Today I have been up at Ted's mum's cleaning out her wardrobes and cupboards….sad but also so therapeutic. Ted was out in the living room getting the walls ready to paint and I was like "hey come look at this, remember this?"  

Now Weight Watchers….weigh in showed a 100g gain…I never had time to go pee before I hopped on scales.
But since weigh in I have been on a feeding frenzy….damned emotions got the better of me again. I do need to rein it in, I can't let it get the better of me. I do have a fortnight before next weigh. One week it has been cancelled due to another event in our meeting room, and the other I am working. 
Dear Daughter left for Carnarvon yesterday, she arrived home safely this morning, she broke the long trip up by overnighting halfway. It looks like she is going to try again with her partner. She has said she can forgive him but she'll never forget what he has done. I had to keep my mouth shut, its her life and she does have a little boy to think of, a little boy that does idolise his Daddy. And Garry is a very good hands on Daddy with Willliam.  
I hope for her sake they can make a go of it, she has layed down so many stipulations and he has agreed…so that I must accept. 

Going better...

I did go visit my Dr re: the overwhelming grief…. a talk with him helped and I now go to see a lovely lady at the "wellness clinic" when I feel everything is just too much. 

Another thing I have done is rejoined ww….  I didn't think I would be able to focus on it, but on the advice from my Dr I am going. Weigh in today a loss of 1.4  Last week I gained 1.8 and the week before lost 1.2 soooo in the 3 weeks I have been going I am slightly in front. I am just taking it one day at a time. No stress.

I have my lil man here…and of course his Mummy. Little turd has well and truly hit the terrible 2's…. but I love him just the same..   Doesn't help that he has picked up on the vibes that Mummy and Daddy are not together and their is trouble between them. It may get worked out…but I sorta hope it doesn't …. what he has done will be done again as he has done it once before. Trust has been broken BUT its daughter's decision to make, not mine. 

Anyways….off to sit by by nice warm fire. Its bitterly cold here today. 

Mum's birthday

 It was Mum's 87th birthday on Friday so I drove down to Manjimup so I could go to her grave and give her the flowers I always gave her and that she loved receiving. My sister had to work till lunchtime but I arranged to catch up with a good friend of many years that I hadn't seen in ages at 9.30am. I got to Manjimup before then so went out to the cemetery to spend some time alone with Mum. Still struggling to come to terms with it, the fact we still don't know the cause of her death, whether she suffered or not and how long she was on her own outside before she was found. 
Still very overwhelming, still have moments that leave me in tears…..but my Doctor has been terrific in helping me deal with all that has happened in the last 12 months…
Anyways I made it back to catch up Glenys, who was my Maton of honour when I married Simon's Dad in 1973. We sat there drinking coffee and yakked yakked and yakked till nearly 1pm….it was just what I needed. 
Then drove to Sis's where we had a catch up and then drove out to Mum. We tidied up the grave, gave her her flowers and had a cry together. One of my cousins came out to join us and we spent some time reliving some memories. 
By the time I said all my goodbyes and got on the road it was quite late so it was nearly 7pm by the time I got home. Made it a long day as I was up early and on the road at 7.30am.

In 3 weeks time I'll have this lil cutie and his Mummy to stay for a week. Mummy has to see a specialist….so looking forward to having them here. 

Overwhelmed

Today I have been overwhelmed by emotions….its just all to hard. 

Today has been one of those days…..1 year today since Paul told us the terrible news that he had terminal cancer. 
Today I have cried, I have screamed, eaten a mountain of chocolate and cried some more. Tears are still running down my cheeks, just can't seem to stop them.
Its nearly midnight, I have work tomorrow but I just can't sleep….my brain won't shut down and let my body rest.
It's sux…its unfair…

This 12 months has been a total nightmare…and I think today it has all just caught up with me. The grief is terrible, its just caught me up and is consuming me. 

Lost the plot !!

With all thats been happening in the last 12 months I sometimes wonder how I am still standing. Its been tough, bloody tough…
A terminal diagnosis and four family deaths…life is pretty damn sux sometimes.
My health has suffered badly in these 12 months…I have gained so much weight and I am uncomfortable. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing myself, I look and feel disgusting. No-one but myself to blame, I know that…I have eaten everyone of those emotions I have felt in the last 12 months. Its not as if I haven't tried to control myself, I have. I have tried to focus on controlling my diet…but something else happens and away I go again…chomp chomp chomp…
Now how do I stop it….how do I break the habit again, where do I find the strength to start all over again???  I am still a member of the online weight loss group, I did weigh in on Friday and report a gain….but since then I have had mother in laws funeral and the wake, and a weekend of family here. 
Getting towards midnight here, work again tomorrow, but I can't sleep. I have been having trouble sleeping for a while, more so since I lost my Mum. My head is going around and around in circles…. I wish life was just a little bit simpler. 

Another goodbye

Tonight, unexpectedly we had to say goodbye to Ted's mum…..she would have been 91 this year. She was very frail and crippled with arthritis but we did expect to have her with us a little longer. But  tonight she left us. Sleep peacefully Mum xx

 You can continue the natter you were having with my mum now. 

Mothers Day

I received this gorgeous book from my cousin the other day in the mail. Its full of photo's of Mum with me and my family, what a beautiful memory book it is. I just sat down and cried, Sue made up one for my brother and sister as well, what a beautiful gesture that I and they will treasure forever. 
I will catch up with my cousin next week and she'll be getting the biggest cuddle from me. She messaged me today and said she'll make up one for my kids too if they want one and I know Kylee does so I'll organise some pics for her. 

I am going down to Manjimup tomorrow to catch up with my sister, we still have a few things to sort out, one of them being a headstone for Mum. It is going to be horrible going down there and not being able to go to Mum's…someone is already in her rented unit. Being Mother's Day on Sunday, tomorrow will give me a chance to go to Mum's grave and leave her some flowers. 
Sunday will be spent up at Ted's mum's, we are going to take a plate up to share. All being us and Ted's brothers and family. 

Went down to catch up cuppa with Tanya on Thursday. She is struggling on, misses Paul daily. She has finished her Aged Care course and is in the process of sending out resume's.  

I rejoined the online weight loss challenge group I was in. Last challenge I was in the top 5 losers till I got back from our cruise. Then I got that chill that turned into bronchial asthma and ended up being 1.8 above the weight I started the challenge. 
Sooooo here I go again. The challenge is great, its something to focus on other than my misery. A loss of 800g this week, happy with that.

Right, I off to get ready for tomorrow. Starting the day with a "jabber walk" with my buddy IF its not raining in the morning. Was pelting down earlier tonight and its still raining now. A huge front is meant to cross the coast tonight and the rain now is just the start of it so I may not be walking. 

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mum's, hope you have a wonderful day. 

On the mend

So many times I pick up the phone and to ring Mum and tell her something that has happened….before I realise I can't. 
….and I still ring Paul's phone just to hear his voice on his message bank….
The loss of Mum seems to have intensified the grief inside me and I cry at any little memory of all those that I have lost in the past, even my brother who has been gone 37 years ago now. 
I pray that Mum is safe in Tom's (my brother's) arms watching over us, she and him had a very special bond…he was her "devil" child. 

Anyways I am on the road to recovery with my asthma, no more steroids. My chest is still sore, but I am not wheezy anymore…though still get breathless if I exert myself.  I will attempt to start walking next week if I continue to improve. And if the weather improves, its been very cold and windy with some rain…not very pleasant at all at the ungodly hour of 5am which is the hour I leave to drive into work. 

My online weight challenge finished today. I went from one of the top 5 losers (3 weeks ago) to having a gain of 1.8 for the challenge…
….But I rejoined for the next 3 months and I plan to focus on getting the weight off.  It will help keep my mind active and ease the grief a bit I hope. 
Paul was so proud of me when I lost the weight last time and of how I kept it off…I want to show him and Mum that I can do it. Mum always worried about me and my weight yoyo'ing so much. Thyroid being inactive doesn't help much either as my sister has just found out, she has just been diagnosed with the same problem. 

Its time to go do dishes and organise myself for work tomorrow….

Anzac Day

                                    Lest We Forget 


Not much happening in the world of  Jen, unless you count bronchial asthma, over-eating and work. I have been to the Doc about the asthma, have steroids and a inhaler and doing ok now…..just soooooo darn bone weary tired.  Having nightmares about Mum falling down and being left outside overnight happen most nights too. 
Trouble going on with Kylee and Garry too…don't know which way that is going to go, had to lend Kylee money to get them out of some financial troubles… it doesn't look too good up there. 
Sitting in dressing gown and nightie right now…its nearly 11.15am and I have done nothing…and no plans to do much at all today.  Have early shift tomorrow morning….so going to make the most of a super lazy day. 

Emotions

A couple of nights out into our cruise I received word my dear mum had passed away. My family requested I keep sailing as due to the circumstances of her death there had to be a coroners inquiry….so the funeral would be delayed anyway.
I did try to enjoy my cruise….and meeting Chris, Lyn and Lee-Anne was the best !!  Ted got to meet up with some of his ham radio friends along the way too. 

I was okay while we were travelling, but once I got home and walked to the phone to ring her and tell her I was home reality set in and the grief was overwhelming. At the funeral I lost the plot. A lot of emotions to deal with yet, one is not making the time to go see her before I left on the cruise (even though on the day I could go she said not too as she had plans).

It is believed but not yet confirmed that mum had a stroke as she was walking out in her garden after de-heading her roses, she fell causing a massive head injury and died trying to get inside.  That hurts knowing no-one was with her, that no-one knew till the next day, that she layed outside cold and alone. People did visit that day she died but because she had the front door locked everyone assumed she was out with friends. 

Right I am off to work…tears are streaming down my face, I just can't talk about it anymore. So soon after Paul, the double whammy grief is hurting so much. 

Love you mum xx Miss you Paul xx