It's Friday

Yay....its Friday...no work for me today which is even better....I need the me time!! It's been a long week. Shawn has been coming here for a meal at night, a shower, I pack his lunch for work next day and then he goes off and sleeps in his car. He says he is comfy enough.....so if thats what he wants and he is happy....so be it. Still don't know a lot that is going on with this Child Protection situation....he still has not seen his kids or spoken to Hannah and that really upsets him and we have had a few shall we say very tense moments here about this. He can understand that he is not allowed to see Hannah but surely she could ring him and let the kids say "goodnight Daddy" to him...that he seems to miss most of all. I have a horrible feeling this whole situation is going to explode big time but will wait and see what happens as it all unfolds. He has a meeting next Tuesday...but I am ringing DCP today to see if I can organise a child visitation for him, he needs to see them. I fly to Melbourne on Wednesday night so hopefully we can arrange something before I go.

yayyyyyyy am off to see my dear daughter (and future son in law) and catch up with some very dear friends. (A bit peeved off I not there now then I could have met Chris H and Nannette...but another time maybe!!)This trip is only for 4 days so it is going to be a full on time for me...but I can't wait!! Off to the footy on Friday night...Hawthorn verus West Coast. I know, I know...Eagles sux this year, but I am still a very proud supporter and will go there and sit there in my Eagles colours next to my daughter and her fiancee in their Hawthorn colours.....

Anyways despite all the upheaval I have stuck solidly to my point counting, my tracking, my eating and excersise and was rewarded last night at my ww weigh in with a loss which even astounded me of 2.1 !!! That leaves me .9 to lose this week and then I will be back to my goal weight.....wellllll within the 2 kilo extra they allow you anyways....but I getting there. Just not allowed to blow it when I go to Melbourne ehhhh??

Positives...

Shawn has had a interview with Child Protection and has been told he has to move out of his house and leave it for Hannah and the kids. He is not to go anywhere near the house or have any contact with them, all visitations will have to be supervised. He of course has nowhere to go, unless he sleeps in his car or on the streets, so looks as thou he'll have to stay with us till he can find somewhere. He very down, remorseful and unsure of the future but has agreed to 16 weeks of councelling, hopefully other treatments as well.....anything to get back Hannah and the kids. Maybe this will wake him up and he'll get himself back on track again, I hope so.

Weigh in was tonight and I am thrilled as despite a very unsettling week with Shawn and all these happenings I have stayed right on track .... and lost 1.8 !!! Yayyyyyyyyyyyy I am back on track, still have a ways to go to get back to where I should be, but am moving in the right direction...

Can't stop the tears

Well it has happened.....Shawn got home today and found an empty house and a letter for him on the table. Hannah has had too many restraining orders out on Shawn now and Child Protection has stepped in and removed her and the kids for their safety for which I don't blame them or Hannah for going. He is in tears, he is angry but is it his fault.....noooooooooo!! He has been trying he says, really trying, but when you tell him not hard enough as he still angry and moody, he starts ranting and blaming everything and anything but himself.

He has an interview with child protection tomorrow and will be told what he will have to do to sort this all out. Know from what he read out from the letter left for him he will have to have councelling, psychic treatment. God I hope he agrees to everything, and goes to this interview in a better frame of mind than what he is in now, if he loves Hannah and his kids as much as he says he does he'll have to.

Pray for him please....he really does loves those kids of his...but mainly pray that he gets the help he really needs.

Have put the brakes on....

Finally made it to my new ww meeting on Thursday evening and weighed in. Did not like the number that came up...was not good at all, higher than I have ever been, so decided there and then that was it, THE BRAKES ARE ON !!! So far have had a great week, have come in under points, each day I have tracked, have excersised everyday...this Saturday and today went walking with a friend for over an hour both days. The ww meeting was just what I needed, there were 5 other life members like myself who are over their goal weights, the talk was very inspiring which made me motivated so hopefully this time I can keep it up and not let any emotions over-ride my efforts.
Went to Dr on Friday after work and got the results of all my blood tests from my chest pain episodes. Other than gastric reflus I have a "bug" in my stomache, some big long medical name that I can't pronounce....but its nothing that a heap of antibotics and other pills won't get rid of. It's a wonder I don't rattle with the amount of pills I am having to take daily.
And just to top it off....add panadol for the headache in the name of my troublesome son Shawn. Hannah has just rang me to say she has taken a 24 hour restraining order out on him coz they are fighting, he is pushing and shoving and being a bully towards her. Sheeeeeeez when is that kid gonna get it together?? We were hoping with the birth of Shayden and the job (which he seems to love) would help him, apparently not! Anyways trying to NOT let it get to me....I can't help him till he helps himself....right?? But someone tell me HOW do you stop worrying, HOW do you get that horrible feeling out of your gut as you wonder "is he alright", what the hell is he going to do next???

Never made it to ww meeting....

nahhhhhh never made it, next week maybe...lately in my life it never rains, it frigging pours!!!!!

I was so looking forward to having some "me" times while things are slow at the farm.....I managed Monday, half of Tuesday and then wham....I was hit with chest pains. By evening they were bad, during the night they worsened so much so I made an emergency Drs appointment in ther morning. Saw the Dr and had ecg's, blood tests and thankfully any heart problems were ruled out, so conclusion ... some kind of gastric problem. All I need on top of everything else!! But did I get time to go to bed and be spoilt with some nanna naps....nahhhhhh no such luck for me. Get a frantic call from Shawn and Hannah...little bub Shayden had to be rushed off to hospital as he had 3 episodes of turning blue and choking.....could I have Skye and Jaydene?? What could I do .... say no???

Sooooooooooo thats what I have been doing for the last few days. Luckily from 10am to late arvo they attend daycare so I have had time to spend at the hospital with Shawn and Hannah and Shayden.

Just had a phone call from them now....and Shayden has had no more episodes and it seems that he was severely dehydrated due to lack of nourishment in Hannah's milk. Thankfully nothing too severe .... and easily fixed, Hannah is just going to have to supplement bottle feed. I can now relax and stop worrying. But bub is not allowed home till he regains his birth weight so looks like another night of babysitting for me......

I missed out .....

.....on cuddles yesterday. Shawn bought out girls and Shayden for a visit and the whole 2 hours plus he was here bub layed in his car seat and slept....I was not impressed!!!
Shayden Thomas Lee




I have today off work, boss rang me last night and apparently it is going to be a quiet week so might get a few more days off!!! Hopefully I can have a "me" day and do NOT much at all. Know one thing I AM going to do and that is have a "nanna nap" this arvo, haven't been sleeping real well of late. I also am going to go down to my favourite little "op" shop and have a good browse around and see what little treasures I can find, and then before I go home go around and see little Mathew....and maybe find him awake so I can have cuddles!!

Mathew Paul

ahhhhhhhhh well, time to get off my butt and make another coffee....and then start my day, it is nearly 9am and I haven't even made the bed yet!!

Meet grandie number 11

His name is Shayden, born at 10.16am on Wednesday 21st May, weighing in at just a tad under 9lb. Mother and baby both well, Dad proud as punch. "Jenna" has been fulltime babysitting the 2 big sisters, Skye and Jaydene while mum recovers in hospital and Dad goes to works. I can tell you it has been hard staying on track with little ones around....so tomorrow arvo when I drop girls off home with Hannah and Shayden I can prepare for a Saturday morning "get back on track" ready for my new ww meeting on Wednesday night and that dreaded monthly weigh in. But I am looking forward to this meeting, Dianne is a bright, bubbly, highly motivated leader who does inspire her classes to achieve.

Weighed in last night.....

..... on my scales and had a loss of 400 grams. Not much but heyyy it at least went downwards. I had a reasonable week, not 100% on track but I made an effort when I could. A few days I didn't excersise, a few food choices that weren't the best.....but I tried, but should have tried harder. Troubled son Shawn has caused a few hiccups for me this week ...poor kid is mega stressed out, his Hannah is a week overdue for their 3rd bub but that still no excuse to act like he does. Wish he would get his shit together and start acting his age. Anyways Hannah will be induced on Thursday evening if bub not born by then. In the meantime Shawn, having been on tenderhooks waiting for this bub, is starting work tomorrow....he delayed the starting of the job by a week hoping bub will be born. Hope working helps with his moods, it always seems too. This job is outdoors, on a farm which he likes and the person he will be working for has had success with troubled people and drug addicts like him...keep fingers crossed for us, his family, and pray that this will work out.

Next week I will be going to ww meeting and have monthly weigh in. It will be a new meeting, I am changing leaders. My old leader is dull, boring and un-motivating and I need a change. The new meeting leader I have been to before when I was losing weight last year, she has a very up-beat and interesting meet and thats what I need, I need to be inspired again. I still have a long way to get back to goal.....well it is a long way for me, to anyone else it is only a few kilo's.

Anyways will be back later in the week with news of bub when it happens.....

Have stayed on track...

Had a really great week food and tracking wise despite some upsets during the week, am proud of the fact that I didn't let any of the emotions sway me towards food . I weighed in on my own scales last night and had a loss of 1.2 kilo's.....so very happy with that. That still has me way too heavy....am still over the 2 kilo's allowed on top of my goal weight sooooooooo I still have some work too do. Had a slip-up last night and had an "oink oink " ...but on track and focused again this morning. Pouring with rain at 4.30am so decided when my day started at 5am that I would give my morning walk a miss today and have a bit of "me" time before heading off to work, so thats why I here on pc....but better get moving now, its nearly work time......

Soul-searching

Thank you my dear friends for all your advise......and for just being here for me with your input. I really appreciate all your comments.

The last few days I have been digging deep into myself and my old blogger posts and I think I have found a few answers. Welllllllll THE main answer. It being I need to weigh myself weekly, whether it be here at home or at a ww meeting. Since I have lost the weight the only time I have maintained, really maintained is when I was weighing in weekly. Since I stopped that, I have yoyo'ed. Why?? I think because I became to complacent....you know the story...." a little extra won't hurt, I have a month too lose it, don't need to weigh in this week" Guess we all have been guilty of that at some stage ehhhhh?

The only reason I stopped weighing in weekly is that I thought I was becoming too dependant on the scales.....you know relying on them to keep my weight under control. Wellllllllll hulllllllllllllllllllllo Jen .....wake up, its true....YOU do need those weekly weigh in's, you DO need those scales.!!! So yep.....those bathroom scales have come out of hiding....and I am going to use them weekly. Why I ever convinced myself I didn't need them god knows. It's not as if I am or have been a daily weigher, I only ever used to weigh once a week.

The past 2 days I have been totally on track, have been tracking, and yayyyyyyyyy I feel good, I am ready to get my weight under control again. Have pushed all my worries and issues aside for the time being....

Ready, set, am going !!

Need a shake up .....

I am so over myself....been so "woe is me" of late and letting myself down. Rightio I have had a bit of a bad run of late health wise...but does that mean I have to eat so unwisely. I know what I am doing to myself ....reaching out and losing myself in food is NOT going to help me. The scales told me tonight I need to do something before I let myself get out of control completely.

I am self-destructing, emotions on top of emotions are over-whelming me.....so I am reaching out and hoping that I can find the strength inside myself to carry on. I have so much to look forward too so I will not quit, I have to dig deep.

Been to specialist

And the verdict is that I .......

1) have scarring caused by the operation.

2) I had an infection after the op which has caused some problems too.

Anyways I have had a full on check - up, tomorrow I have an ultra-sound...and then next week I see my local Dr and if "bedroom" activities haven't resumed without no pain I will have to have a stretch done there! If still no luck it's back to the specialist where another operation will have to be done! Fingers crossed ehhh?

Had my first real drama since he has moved down this way with troublesome son yesterday. I had to leave work and try to sort it out. It was bad, he had a look I have never seen on his face before and HE was getting violent towards me which he has NEVER done, it was very scary. I had to call the police...but their hands are tied, there is nothing they can do, the way the mental health system works over here is SUX, espesially if it involves drugs!! Anyway he calmed down very quickly, and rang and apologised a few hours later, that helped.....but nothing is going to help him if he doesn't help himself and SOON!!!

I have thoroughly enjoyed having my girl home. Her and her fiancee have been running around organising as many wedding plans as they can. The date has been set as March 20th 2010. A long way off, but would you believe the wedding venue they have selected was completely booked out for 2009 and they were lucky to get their chosen date so that has been booked too. It is a beautiful peaceful garden setting.

Kylee and I have had some "girly" times and have thoroughly enjoyed talking weddings dresses, even looked at a few. One she has looked at I have fallen in love with...made me teary to see her in it. Can't wait to go to Melbourne and go looking again.

Kylee and Stephen fly out tomorrow night, ohhhhhh and I am so going to miss them, but its not all that long till I fly over to see them , remember I have my footy trip at the end of June....then Kylee flies home in February to be bridesmaid to her bestest friend. I will be kept busy over the rest of the weekend thou.....I have 3 or 4 of the grandies sleeping over for some Jenna and Pop time Saturday night.

I have resolved as from the moment I drop them off to try that bit harder to get myself back on track and lose these extra kilo's. I really need to, I have not been under control much at all these past few weeks, and have not tracked much at all. Been told by my hubby and a few other people they prefer me at this weight, even my Doctor, they say my face gets too gaunt and I look old when I am thinner which really spun me out.....but I prefer me at goal weight, after all its me that has to be comfortable and its me in MY skin!!

Happy Birthday

To my dear hubby......

Last night we had a get together with our closest friends and family and a great night was had by all. Although it did begin to rain later on the evening it did not dampen the celebration.....a wonderful night was had by all.

The engagement of Kylee and Stephen was announced to all as well....a wedding will be held within the next 18months to 2 years..another celebration to plan and look forward to.

Me, hubby and her brothers and family had great pleasure in announcing that to our friends and see the look of surprise on everyone's faces.....it was so totally unexpected, Kylee and Stephen have been together for nearly 5 years.

Early this morning the party finished...about 2 am ... and then we were up again a few hours later yawning wide as the first of our houseguests had to be on the road and heading back to their home, a drive of 7 hours for them . A bbq of bacon, sausages and eggs were cooked and all of sat and enjoyed them before all family and other friends packed and departed.

Tomorrow its back to work for hubby and me.....so tonight it will be a very early night for us.....we are tired, but happy the get together was enjoyed by all.

Kylee and Stephen are out catching up with friends...they are home for the rest of the week.

Gonna be one of those days.....

Yep sure is....





I am going to do a Chris H today and update on and off all day seeing as I am home...well sort off...be in and out most of the day. Hope you don't me being a copy cat Chris, but I love the way you do your posts.








Today I was meant to going to the airport to pick up my darling daughter and her fiancee.....BUT daughter dear mucked up. Poor love rang me nearly in tears last night to say that she misread her flight bookings, thought she was flying in today but actually they were meant to fly in on Wednesday. Yep as luck would have it by the time they realised they had missed the flight they should have been on. Virgin airways staff when they rang them and enquired about what they could do were not at all helpful, "Terms and conditions are stated on our policy when we issue the tickets blah blah blah"..... which they knew, but thought just the same they might be helpful and understanding... Anyways they fly in late tomorrow arvo now.


Big contrast to dear daughters mood from the night before last when she rang me. She was so excited...after 4 years of being with her partner Stephen...he finally proposed and gave her an engagement ring.

So its double celebration time, ooooops sorry triple celebration time for us....Bubs birth, hubby's 60th and now the engagement. Now if I could control my anxiety about my health issues and know my sleep walking wasn't going to be a problem!! Girls if I could get into the specialist earlier I would, have rang and tried, have spoken to him too, but have to wait till the 30th.

ohhh and thanks Lyn for the award....will pass that on...

Off now for coffee and then on with the running around...be back later...

Right.....back again, quick stop for a loo break, load the grog in the fridge and I back out again. Am meeting Shawn, Hannah and the girls for a quick lunch....yay for more grandie cuddles. Visited Paul and Tanya and had new bub cuddles, the 2 girls, the "little mother hens" Paul calls them were at daycare. By the way bub has been named, he is now Mathew Paul. He is a gorgeous little fella....but according to mum and dad NOT a very good sleeper... Got Paul to come and help me choose all the beers for the party and load them into my little car for me....all done and in the fridge now.

Okies, outta here again now.....

Well back again...had a great lunch with Shawn, Hannah and girls. We sat on the water front and ate our takeaways....and let the girls run around on the lawns, they had a ball. Hasn't been a good day food wise for me, seems once I make one bad choice the whole day seems to go downhill. Once upon a time, not all that long back one bad choice was all it was then it was back on the wagon....bloody hell where am I going to find the strength !!

Have bought all the cooldrinks, chips and nibblies for the party, done all the organising that had to be done....spent a heap of money and now home tired but satisfied I have achieved so much.

End of day...Haven't been real good food or drink wise....but am real happy that I achieved all the chores I set myself to do....and managed some cuddle time with some of the grandies. Tomorrow another busy day....and a extra big weekend.

Need those cuddles.....

Yep....certainly do. My moods have been like that song...swing high, swing low sweet chariot.....

I have had a reasonable week.....full of highs with bub being born, seeing all 10 grankids Sunday....wowwwww that was great, lots of cuddles. Food wise was great, tracked everything, even all the celebration foods and drinks. But then hubby tells me I am sleepwalking to the pantry and eating in my sleep!!!! He caught me the other night. SHIT...how long have I been doing that for ?????

I used to sleepwalk when I was a kid according to mum, espesially when I was anxious or worried about something. Wonder if thats what my trouble is, coz things aren't running too smoothly healthwise. I saw a health care nurse the other night, when I couldn't get in to see my Dr and she seemed to think it is.

The op I had hasn't worked. ohhhh the prolapse has, but the bladder hasn't.....and whatever they have done internaly hasn't helped in the "bedroom" activities department...its just to darn painful. Why I don't know but hell on the 30th when I see the specialist there better be answers.

Going back to my at home weekly weigh ins, I need them, I am just not coping with these monthly weighs. I had my monthly ww weigh in last night.....and it wasn't pretty, was over the 2 kilos allowed over goal weight.....so yep I have some work to do. Hubby's 60th birthday party this weekend....and daughter flies in on Thursday....so its going to full on...

Welcome ....

To the newest member of our ever growing family...a little, if you can call 9lb little, as yet un-named baby boy. He was born at 2.08am this morning. Mother and baby going well, they came home late this afternoon.....and the big sisters think he is just totally gorgeous, mmmmmmmmm wonder how long that feeling will last!!

Yes...I have been down and met the little man and had a nice long Jenna cuddle....and spoilt the little girls with a few cuddles too. We celebrated tonight and had a nice big chinese take-away and have indulged in a few wines.....blown the points, what the heck, tomorrow is another day.....

Happy Birthday to Caitlin......

She is the big 6 year old. Her pop and I took her down her pressies, a bracelet engraved with her name and a Barbie doll. We went straight there from work....she was so excited. We loves ya Caity, hope you had the bestest day and enjoyed your icecream cake tonight.

It's been a busy week...work has been frantic and I have been so tired. I am not sleeping properly, still teary, still moody, headachy and just so "over it" But the eating I have really been concentrating on and have been tracking dilengently and have only gone over points on one occasssion. All was fine with my bloods.....nothing out of the ordinary he says, but do have a Drs appointment next week to have a chat.

Have got a lot on these next few weeks, have granbaby due tomorrow, 2 dil's birthdays, (one on Friday and the other on Monday), a granson whose birthday is on Anzac day and hubby's 60th on the 27th. And hubby's party to plan....phewwwwwwwwwww makes me exhausted just thinking of all that has to be done.......

Please....

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME.........

The last couple of weeks or more I have been so tired, so teary, so over myself AND so hungry that nothing seems to fill me up, and believe me some days I have eaten like there is no tomorrow. I am so over myself, I hate myself for feeling like this. I can't pep myself up no matter how I try, and when I eat something I know I darn well shouldn't, I can't stop myself.

I went to the Dr's on Thursday evening and had a chat with him....and today I had a whole series of blood tests done, so hopefully I can find out whats wrong with me so I can go back to being me, having some pride in myself and what I have achieved these past few years. I want to stay fitting in these "skinny" clothes of mine, but if I keep going the way I am I won't be !! I just want to be happy, healthy and smiling again.....

I don't want to QUIT.....

April is a busy busy month for me, and I want to be on top of everything if I can. I have 2 grandies to be born this month, wellllllll one is a definite, but the 2nd is due late this month, early next. As well I have 2 grandies having special birthdays, have 2 of my son's partners having birthdays....and have my darling daughter and her partner flying home for the big event of the month....my hubby's 60th birthday. I have a big party planned for him here at home, with a lot of his special friends and family to be here for the occassion. Luckily it is on the Anzac long weekend so some are arriving early. So its all go here this month....

Some good days, some bad days.....

It's been one of those weeks.....some real good days and some darn crappy ones. Been focused most of the week, then had a real bad day, soooo bad I walked out of work and was going home.....I had had enough of the rude ill mannered man that runs the carrot washing shed! That sent me off rails briefly...and yep I did the usual and went looking for food. Duhhhhhhhh ehhhh, after all my efforts NOT to use food to reward myself....and what do I do, get upset and use it to comfort myself!! But I did manage to get myself on track again, but only breifly. The weekend, welllllllllllll I am just glad to see that over with. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother very dearly, and we do get on well.....but she cannot understand the problems I have with my weight nor the thyroid condition I have either (how can a little gland cause you to get so fat??) She doesn't have a weight problem, never has, and nor does my sister and she never has either! Anyways I have had mum up staying for the weekend....phewwwwwwwwwww she has run me ragged. Mum is 79 but boy can she still shop!! Turn my back for a second and I would lose her, was so tempted to tie her on a leash. But I had to so bite my tonque when it come to meals/snacks....she couldn't understand why I couldn't/wouldn't eat foods. "Now that your're skinny Jen, you can eat that" "ohhhhhhh a little bit of those won't hurt you" "whats wrong with that, its good for you" " Your sister and I eat them all the time, look at us we don't put on weight"?? Get where I coming from??? ahhhhhhhh well, mum has gone home now.....and I can breathe a big sigh of relief and see if I can have a better week.....

Onwards and hopefully downwards....and NO QUITTING !!

Onwards and downwards yet again....

Why is it that after just about weigh in I go totally off the rails and reward myself with food. Food that I really don't want, and certainly do not need. It seems to be a compulsion and I am so over myself!! I have been doing this off and on all through my journey so honestly I really need a huge kick up the backside for allowing myself to keep doing this. I just have to stop this bad habit, heck it isn't doing myself any good, is it?? Rewarding myself with junk is a bad habit and it JUST has to go!!

This week, Wednesday the 26th actually, will be my 1st "at goal" anniversary....and although I am not going to be game enough to hop on the scales to see what I weigh, I think I should be in the 2 kilo range allowed. Since last Monday after weigh in I have gone off the rails totally and have virtually eaten as I pleased.....and because of my surgery I haven't been doing any walking, only done a few sessions of pilates. Adds up to "oink oink" methinks.

After talking about this to a few friends I have decided with their advise that I cannot let this keep happening otherwise I am going to end up right back where I started....so have resolved to try and conquer this "food reward" demon and get myself back on track. So it is once again back to basics and the journal is out and its going to be tracking until I reach my personal goal of 65 kilo's. Tomorrow is another new start and I will be beginning my walking again, slowly of course as I build my strength up till I am back to where I was before my surgery. Then when I reach my personal goal I will reward myself with ... I am not sure yet!! Not food thats for sure.....any ideas welcome please??

Hopefully I can conquer this ....I am going to give it my best shot, know occassionaly I am going to falter, but do know one thing....I WILL NOT QUIT!!

Happy Easter ..... hope it has been a happy and safe one for you all.