Off track.....

Kylee & Shawn

Not going too well at the moment....
I haven't been feeling great, constant headache, feeling blah and have a appetite that no matter what I eat I am still looking for more, just can't seem to satisfy my hunger. I have still been going to Curves daily plus walk Shera every day...BUT the scales are going up and up and up......
Just about at the end of my tether, the scales showed me a number that I haven't seen in years...not happy !!
Managed a Dr's appointment this arvo..off to see the vampires in the morning, hopefully something will show up. Dr seems to think hormones are out of "whack"  as night sweats have been my constant companion for the past few weeks too.

On the weekend Shawn, was out here for his kids access visit. His eldest boy celebrated his 4th birthday....don't know who had the most fun, the little kids or those two above !!

ohhh tomorrow am off to Perth with dear daughter...she bought me tickets for us to see Mary Poppins...can't wait. Staying overnight with a girlfriend and Thursday going shopping before coming home.

Some old pics..

Me at 16 when I first went nursing.

 

mmmm, me at the nurses quarters....the dreaded fag in hand.

Pregnant with son #3

Matron of honor at my sister's wedding.

O.M.G !!  Going through my mum's photo albums was like a blast from the past. Although a lot of her photo's have gone missing...did find a few more my neices and nephew...and the scrapbook is coming along nicely.
But these ones above....boy I haven't seen these in such a long time...

Re-connecting...

This is my niece Tammi...
We met up on Saturday morning and we were still talking Saturday afternoon. What a delightful young lady she is. Her and her siblings have not had it easy, their lives have been hard. I have been amazed by their strength and their achievements considering what they have been through.
I am so happy that Tammi and I have had the chance to talk about the past and I have been able to answer some questions for her. She hopes to catch up with my brother soon and talk with him as well....as she said (and I agree) his memories and points of views will be different to mine...and so will Pauline's (my sister) be.

Tammi messaged me later on the Saturday, and at our next catch up her twin Tom would like to join us....and their elder sister Tasha (Natasha) has asked for my phone number so she can arrange a catch up get together too.  

Am I happy....you betcha  !!!

Curves

I have been going to Curves for a month yesterday...and I love it. 
My 1st assessment was today and I was rapt to see 18.5 centimeters gone, 600grams and 1.3 of body fat gone!

Moves are being slowly made to get to know my brothers children. Still in the process of sorting through pictures. Unfortunately all the pics Dad had were burnt when a fire went through his house after Mum and him separated, and my step-mum is now going through her pics in case she has some even though she and Dad got together after Tom was killed.
A lot of Mum's pics were lost when she moved... but just the same hopefully we have enough for the kids. Memories galore of Tom though...and that's what they want to know more of.

Excitement much !!

Me and my late brother...1973

My brother was killed in an accident in 1979....he was just 27. He left behind a wife, a 5year old son, and a little girl that turned 2 on that day....and his wife was pregnant with twins. She gave birth to a boy & a girl 3 months after.
As you can imagine, we were devastated. My mum I don't think has ever recovered. 
I was 22, had a son myself, and was going through a very difficult time with my then husband....who I had happened to meet through my brother. We split up not long after Tom's death.
His wife remarried 18 months later to a complete and utter arse..no other word for him! He gave those kids quite a hard time, not that we saw them much...my beloved  ex sister in law by then thought we weren't good enough and we didn't get to see the kids anymore.
Anyways that marriage split up, some really horrible stories have since come back to us....believe he is in prison now, turns out he was a paedophile. 
Anyways over the years we have followed the kids as much as we could through friends and friends of friends....BUT now they have contacted us and want to get to know us....well 3 of the 4 of them have. Apparently now that they have families of their own....and want to know more about their Dad and his family. Their mother has destroyed all photo's and information she had of Tom...so they have nothing, absolutely NOTHING of their Dad. How cruel..what a BITCH, no wonder they have nil to do with her anymore.  The eldest has stayed with his Mum....he has mental health issues I believe.
Anyways yesterday I started going through all my albums....and my sister is doing the same and we are going to make up an album for the kids.....so they can learn more about their Dad. The kids are so overwhelmed, ....as we are too. A door that we have wanted to be opened is slowly creeping open....and we couldn't be happier.

O.M.G !!!

This weekend I seemed to have gone out of my way to sabotage myself by eating everything and anything whenever I felt like it.
This evening I have been thinking about it....and have decided I am going back to basics tomorrow. Pro-points and simply filling haven't worked for me...since I have been doing them I seemed to have gained more than I have lost.....
.......so I am going back to the weight watchers plan that I lost the weight on way back in 2005/6 and 7.  Have found out all the material,  and I am ready to roll.
Went out to Ted's sister in law's last night. It was her birthday, her 60th. Photo's were taken and one that was taken of me I thought was shocking...I looked huge. My weight,  no matter how much I have tried,  has just been creeping up. My attempts I must admit on reflection have been half hearted so this time lets see if I can find some of that old mojo.
Tomorrow morning I have Curves, then its jabberwalk time...and then its on to day 1.
I must not sabotage myself, no little treats....
.....lets see if I can do it this time.

Coast Trip...

Hubby fishing

The weather was mostly fine, had a couple of small light showers, nothing to even take cover for....the rest of the time was lovely. Pity I didn't get out to throw a line in more than once or twice (and that was Sunday before we left) as I happened to come down with some sort of virus on the Friday. I felt miserable 3/4 of the time and spent most of Friday & Saturday night sitting up in bed coughing, coughing and coughing some more....poor hubby didn't get much sleep either!  Still the weekend away was a break from being at home....and I got to spend some time with the grandies.

Ashlee and Matthew

Aren't they just gorgeous. I was sitting in the  Toyota watching hubby fish reading my book and these two came over to offer me one of there lollies and have a chat.

Tanya and kids watching a car trying to get unbogged !!

On Sunday we were watching the early birds pack up and head out the coast. One way to get out is you have to drive up a huge sandhill which is about a kilometer long and steep. It gets very entertaining as some of these fishermen have no idea how to get their 4x4's up there without stopping and getting bogged! 

Gorgeous sunset

Saturday night...the sunset was just beautiful. It came in cloudy and overcast but the sun shining through onto the water between the clouds was just beautiful.

Happy 10th Birthday Caitlin 

Caity had her 10th birthday down the coast...so in true camping style we got the sparklers out and made her a birthday cake out of lamington fingers....she loved it !!


I am loving Curves, went 3 times last week...and this week I hope to manage 4 sessions. I didn't go this morning...but hopefully tomorrow before work I will, will see how I feel.
I finished Weight Watchers At Home today...had my last weigh in...lost 300g. I can't justify the cost anymore, it has gone up to much for just a weigh in consult. I will continue on though as I am, weighing in on Tuesday's keeping E-tools to help me through. Curves will help...plus I still have my regular local ww group. I will eventually get back to goal..I know I am not giving in till I do ! 

The last of them...

You must be sick of these professional pics...so I'll make these the last....

A big rush this morning, sent hubby off to work and flew out the door myself and headed to Curves. The girls up there are just great...and I am loving it! Going to try and do another session in the morning, have a break on Thursday then back again on Friday after work, I have a 6am to 1pm shift so I'll stop in on my way home from work.

Friday arvo as soon as hubby finishes work we are heading down the coast for the weekend. Eldest son and his family are down there already.....be great, we need a weekend away. And its Caity's birthday on Saturday so it'll be good to spend the time with her.

Weigh in today...lost 100g! My "At Home" subscription finishes next week and with the prices of ww going up I don't think I will be rejoining. But I will continue on my own...I think with Curves and my ww federation of WA group I will stay focused. I am going to continue weighing in every Tuesday and keep things the way they are.

Happy Easter...

Happy Easter to you all...

I have worked most of it, tomorrow I have off....and hopefully I can get myself back on track, last 2 days I  have wandered off...

BUT....I have joined Curves...I had a session last Thursday and can't wait to get back after the Easter break....I am sure it is going to help me immensely.

I had my sister out today...showed her the professional pics, she loved them.  Everytime I look at them I smile...that birthday will always be special to me...

Professional Pics....

 Of the ones of myself and Kylee this is my favourite...and yet it is the only one hubby doesn't like. But it is the one I had blown up and put on my wall. It so appeals to me...it shows the closeness and the fun that we have with each other...

Another good one of us....

 Love the background in this one....and the casualness of the shot.

 Now this one is my favourite of me....

...and this one is my second favourite....

Memories of a wonderful day, I was made to feel and look beautiful.
All these pics were done up and presented beautifully and will give me reminders of a very special day to remember for years to come.

Happy Anniversary...

NOT !!!

Today is Kylee's wedding anniversary...
It would have been her 2nd, but they did spend nearly 10 years together..
I haven't seen Kylee today, but talking to her last night she was not looking forward to all the emotions that she would go through today. 
Have sms'ed her and she seems okay...I know she is out with friends...hope they looking after her.
I just hate her being so hurt....

The weekend.....

Zoe, Thomas, Jessica and Sheymus

On the way out

Helping Jenna & Pop

On the weekend I had these 4 grandies...boy are they growing up fast. Simon & Tracey dropped them off on Friday night on their way up to Perth for a weekend away. They were really good kids...but boy do they make a mess!!  And loud too....two of them even talk, well one shouts, in their sleep!!  Being so close, guess they shout to be heard....then again their mother is very loud so maybe its just part of them!

Our boundry fence line of tree's had to be trimmed on the weekend..they were getting too close to the powerlines. Boy was that a job and a half...the kids were all very helpful...kept them entertained too :-)

Saturday night, had my cousins down for a bbq....deeeeelightful meal and wonderful company. My cousin made a cherry ripe cheesecake...ohhh boy  it was to die for !!! With that and the bottle of wine I drank I was lucky the scales showed me a sts.
I am still in the zone...I am happy that I am living life, eating healthy and the weight is coming off slowly...

In the zone again...

Back in the zone again....even had a loss of 500g on the scales this week. Totally unexpected after my social week...and a few indulgences.
Monday saw me head up to Dawseville to catch up with a dear friend. So annoyed with myself for not taking any of my camera's as its a beautiful scenic spot. Always driven past the turn off into the little town so it was delightful to spend time with a wonderful friend and sit and sip a cup of coffee and take in the views.

I took my DSL camera into be cleaned last week as I had a smudgy spot showing up in some of my pictures. Trying it out the other day I captured pics of this beautiful butterfly with a damaged wing.

Day out

Rob & I 

Had a absolutely awesome day out yesterday with a lovely friend Robyn. Robyn & I met on the ww boards, chatted, emailed and finally met a few years ago and have remained friends. She only lives 40 minutes up the road from me...
DD acted as our chauffeur and drove us around. Browsed the shops, had lunch at a restaurant called Mash on the waterfront in Bunbury...then DD drove us around to the sight seeing spots before afternoon tea at the Dome.....then home for a last chat before Rob had to drive home.
Next get together will be in Perth with another of our friends from the ww boards. Its awesome as to how we all have become good friends.
But yesterday we also had a few indulgences....and today even though I started the day off back on track with a walk with Shera....I have gradually gone off track as the day has progressed. Got to take a deep breathe...find my focus again....and move onto tomorrow and getting myself on track again.
Monday is going to be another challenge.....another day out with another friend....but tomorrow comes first.....

Motivated....

Today is weigh in day...despite my best efforts I had a stay the same. I am happy with that, I am still motivated and eating healthy. This time I am not giving up....I am going to keep working on getting to my goal weight again.
I have just started to realize.. again, that losing weight is not going to happen overnight, or that my weekly weigh ins are not always going to show a loss no matter how much exercise I have done or how well I have eaten. 
I have been expecting too much of myself...and my expectations have been too extreme....so I am just going to go about doing my weight watchers the best I can realizing that sometimes life does get in the way and take it has it comes.
Here's to a good week.....
 

Down the beach

Daughter and Shera

The beach near home

Am totally and absolutely on track. Eating well, exercising daily and very motivated. 
Daughter and I took Shera down the beach on the weekend...and with the weather forecast for this weekend to be HOT will be doing so again this weekend. Loved it...forgotten how much fun it was.
Weigh in day today, (I changed days due to work commitments) and the scales did show the gain I expected, but not as much as I thought it would be.

Onwards......

Lost my way

This was way back when I had it all together.....I loved me, I loved looking this good...and I worked at it...

Me at goal weight, when I loved myself a

This is me now...I am struggling. I have been working hard, but not everyday, all day like I should. I have good weeks, the scales go down, then treat myself, lose track, gain...then have to start all over again. Yoyo' íng week afer week, I hate the fact that my clothes are getting tighter, that I have huge muffin top hanging over my clothes....but even with tracking and recording my stats I am still where I was 15 months ago!!


Love this dres, hate how I look !!

I have to do something. I had a sneak peek at the scales this morning, shuddered at the number and then proceeded to start the day off as I should with a healthy filling breakfast. Then, what the heck...had toast, white bread too,  which I never eat....coz I just felt like it  !! There was no thought of my weigh in on Thursday, no thought to the fact that I have to record my weight with my lovely consultant. And my day has continued downhill just like it did yesterday and the day before....
It seems to take forever for the weight to come off but in just a few days I can add a couple of kilo's :-(

Me, February 2004

Today....I am making a commitment to myself.....and ALL OF YOU.....that I will get myself back to looking like the me I like above....starting tomorrow. Today is plan day.  I can do it...I have to do it for me, otherwise I will end up looking like the me above again....and I don't want that !!

Another week done....

....and dusted

The view on top of the hill after Shera drags me up!

Is that where we just were?

ahhhh bliss!!

Daddy you crack me up!!

Kylee & Skye colouring in together.

 Have had a week fighting with Telstra after having having my phone stolen at work last week. The police recovered it the same day.....but it took Telstra 5 days to re-activate my sim card....sux to them !!
Other than that it has been quiet. Had Shawn and his 3 0f his 4 kids out on Sunday for their access visit. Boy are they growing up. Only 1 of them is in foster care now, the eldest 3 are home with Hannah....Kaleb will be back after Easter....then its up to Hannah to keep them there. I really don't think she'll manage, they are a handful and from what I saw at my last visit to her house her housekeeping skills have NOT improved.
Shera has been making sure I have been exercising, lots of walks have been done...and some new more challenging ones too.
Weigh was today...a stay the same...I am blaming Telstra!!!

Happy Birthday to me....

After a real downer of a day the day before,  my birthday turned out to be a wonderful day.
My girlfriend and "jabberwalk" buddy stayed after our walk for a cuppa and gave me a gorgeous handbag plus some other sweet smelling goodies. She also asked me to join her and some other friends down at the local cafe for lunch. T'was lovely.

My birthday rose. Its called Ebb Tide.

Home after lunch to find hubby waiting with the above...it was a beautiful standard rose. The colour is out of this word and the scent so intense!  I fell in love with the rose on the weekend while we were out browsing at Bunning's....so my man went back and bought it for me, how sweet was he :-)
DD came home and we prepared for the photo shoot. I did eventually find out 3 sets of clothes and kylee dressed up in hers and away we went.
The lovely stylist applied my makeup and styled my hair and I was ready for the shoot. What a hoot it was!! I was made to feel beautiful and Kylee and I had a ball.
The photo's look stunning on the pc and I am sure the package I bought ( at a price) will be memory of a few hours I will never forget!
I am so excited and can't wait for them all to arrive... in the next 4 to 6 weeks.
I was made to feel special...and now to today I am ready to begin my journey.

This morning my scales showed me a 700g loss.

Why ...

Why am I having trouble in losing weight?
Why am I self sabotaging myself ?
Why am I not happy with me and my imagine in the mirror?
Why, when I struggle daily to do the "right thing" by myself do I stuff up ???

DD went down to Manjimup last night, they had burnouts on at the speedway. She had to be up at 4.20am to be at work by 5am and as I went to bed that was going through my head. She worked yesterday, then took off within an hour of being home to get there. Its and hour and half drive there and that back again late at night. I know she is a big girl but still I worry, she has been through so much of late.
So as I went to bed I stuffed my face and then took a handful of yummies with me and went into bed stuffing my face more!

Why?
Coz I worry/stress !
Coz I doubt myself.
 I know I have lost weight once before.
 I know I "only" have 10 kilo's to lose.
I know I have to get my head together and do it....
....now I have to figure out how


Tomorrow its my photo shoot that I won. Happy Birthday to me.
I have been so excited and looking forward to it, until I started to work out and trying on  what outfits I am going to wear. Half of what I wanted to wear doesn't fit, or just doesn't look right.
Just hope the stylist can work wonders.....
DD is coming with me....hubby is 2 workers down in his workshop and just can't get away.


Weigh in is Tuesday morning...maybe by then I can get my head around all these why's and start believing in me again.