Happy New Year

Time is a tickin!!!!! 
Not much left of 2015.
To each and every one, a new year a new beginning. May 2016 bring you everything you wish for and more. 

Its nearly Christmas

Merry Christmas to all who read this.
Thank you to all those that have supported me during this last 6 months….Christmas will be bittersweet for us this year. 
But we will smile and enjoy it and remember that it was Paul's wish.
The kids need Christmas and the joy it brings.
Take care all, be safe and have a wonderful day. 

Another holiday...

We are off cruising again..at the end of March next year.I booked today. 
So any NEW ZEALANDERS that want to say hullo we will be visiting AUCKLAND on April 7th, TAURANGA on the 8th April, and BAY OF ISLANDS on the 9th…..will keep reminding you as the day gets closer.
I am excited, really have something to look forward too…it might chase some of the sadness away.
Have finished all my christmas shopping, only some food and a few little stocking fillers to get and I am done. 

Weight Watchers weigh in today, with visitors and no tracking I managed a loss of 100g…  I best get my shit together if I want to lose weight before we set sail. 

Celebration of Paul

An emotional afternoon down the beach last weekend….but it was happy too.

Wasn't sure how I was going to go weight wise this weigh in, as the day after the celebration we had our first xmas party to go to, then we had visitors arrive to stay for a week on the Monday so its been a challenging week.
Happy to say I lost 1.4 this week, so only 400g to shed to get back to where I was before my mega gain last week…but one day at a time….I will do this….just have to get through today, 3 months since we lost Paul. 

Been lost…..

Since my last weigh in I have been lost…..

My Mac keyboard died, should have jumped in the car and drove to the Apple store and picked up another, would have been quicker than waiting for J B Hifi to get me one….
So I haven't had my tracker…thats one excuse…

Another had Simon and Tracey's 4 kids…they were great. Had a lot of fun with them….and Paul and Tanya's kids too. All of them spent Saturday here….at times they were lost little souls as they all recalled favourite memories they had of their Daddy/Uncle.  Tears flowed for us all. 

We are having a "celebration of Paul" down the beach this weekend….writing down some memories to put into a scrapbook for the kids have sent the emotions to a high level.

So weight watchers hasn't even been on my mind…I have eaten every emotion I have felt…
Just back from my meeting, I considered a "no weigh" but that wouldn't achieve anything….so I weighed, took the huge 1.8 gain….and its onto a new week, new program….and hopefully me back on track.

Right onwards….a deep breathe and I can do it….

Day off...

.......... And tomorrow I walk....

Today was weigh in day and as I expected I had a gain, only a small 100g but it could have been more. I freaked out last week with Ted having his endoscopy and lost the plot for a few days so it's wonder it wasn't more. After weigh in I relaxed and gave myself the day off.
I wasn't going to, but I babysat this morning so I let myself enjoy them. Was going to stay for the meeting but had my nieces kids and the 4 year old played up so I left 5 minutes in.
The program has changed a little, pity I had to miss the talk, but I'll catch up. Loving the weight watchers this time around, it gives me something to focus on, something to talk about.....it helps with my grief.
Have grandkids again this weekend, Simon & Tracey are going to Perth for the ACDC concert...so I'll have the 4 of them. It's going to be a very LOUD weekend, these kids are not quiet!!

Right...off to get myself ready for tomorrow, as soon as I get up I am off walking, a long one...and then I have grandee's for the weekend, arriving tomorrow afternoon, going home Sunday.

Good news

Dear tummy...please shut up!!!!

It has been stressed.

Hubby had a endoscopy this morning, thankfully the results were good, he does have a small hiatus hernia but according to the surgeon he has nothing to worry about. He took a few samples for biopsies, hubby sees his Dr in a couple of weeks. Thank heavens it is all over, I have been worrying myself silly about it.

I got my weigh in done just before I had to pick up hubby from hospital but once again missed staying for the meeting. Must attend next week, apparently new "things" are happening in WW's

But since I have bought Ted home I have been eating like there is no tomorrow...it must stop!!!! I can't blow all my hard work....I am on a roll. Lost 800g this week, not going to happen this week if I don't stay out of the bikkie barrel.

Right...off to tiptoe around and do a few chores, hubby is having a nap. Work again for me tomorrow. 

One day at a time….

It has been a tough week. Work has been super busy and I have been feeling the extra hours that I have done. Have run into some people that knew Paul was sick and they asked how he was doing, its hard to tell people he has passed.
Had a funeral to attend this week, one of Paul's workmates had heart problems that got the better of him and so we attended his final farewell. Same place as Paul's, that hurt.
While we were there Tanya took us to where his ashes are to be placed in a few weeks time. He will be resting under a tree with the sound of the bubbling lake nearby. A seat nearby to sit and reflect and remember. 

 Tanya's mum had a big canvas done up for her, there was 70% off all there canvas's so ordered the one above.  its the first thing you see as you come into our family room from the patio (our main entrance).  Memories galore there….could have made it twice the size.

hahaha I wish it was that easy ehhhh
Weigh in day today, had to run in and weigh and get to work again, I hate missing the meeting but I need the extra $'s.
A loss of 500g so I'll take it. 

Its been a busy week...

Its been a lonnnnnng week and its still not over….have work again today.
Its so busy too…and we are down in staff so I have been covering a few shifts. My poor legs have been feeling it too…
Not much has been happening on the home front…we are taking it day by day. Canvas Factory had a huge 70% off sale online so I have organised a big canvas of us all with Paul which should arrive this week. Also had one done up for Tanya for her and the kids for Christmas.
Have my nephews Anthony's 21st tomorrow night, Paul was his godfather so its going to be one of those "firsts" for us…Paul enjoyed the "shed" parties out at Anthony's, many a time he slept in his swag  after a party there. 

Weigh in yesterday, 800g off…

Best get a wriggle on…work to get too, will do a bigger post next time. 

Another week

It was school sports carnival this week and my grandees did well. Miss Ashlee was her age champion girl…..and Master Matthew did very well. 
A few tears were had by them all as Daddy wasn't there to talk to them and hug them on their achievements….but I am sure he was watching from above. 

It was also Simon's and Tracey's boys up in Collie's sports day too and both boys made champion boys….how cool is that?
Unfortunately I never got to see any of the sports days as I had to work, but hopefully I will be able to attend the inter school sports carnival and see at least some of them race.

I was feeling very lethargic last week, too tired to get out of the way of my own shadow. Housework has suffered, a long way behind in some chores. Luckily no extra shifts at work as I don't think I could have managed them. 
Starting to feel a little better these past few days.
Weight watchers weigh in today, a sts the same which I sort of expected, I haven't been focused.  
Tomorrow I am heading up to Mandurah to meet with a girlfriend, then we heading to Rockingham to meet up with our other friend. Looking forward to spending some time with my bestest friends. 

Ohhh by the way….its not decided yet but hubby and I are thinking of doing another cruise. The South Pacific and Auckland, Taruanga, and Bay of Islands is on the cards…..anyone near there?

My week..

Kylee put these up on Facebook for me yesterday….her Master Independent likes to feed himself now…this is the outcome. How cute is he? Wish everyday they lived closer….

Its been a good week for me…
I have had extra hours at work so I have kept myself busy, the busier I am the less time I have to think about everything. 
I have also been concentrating on my weight watchers. I am doing filling and healthy again. Having the tracker back on my pc has me planning my meals again….and all my efforts were rewarded at wi this morning with a discard of 2.1. Still a long way to go, but I feel better that a start has been made.
I also went and got myself a tattoo. Those birds that keep flying into Paul's when we visit Tanya were my inspiration. 
Neither Ted or I are a lover of tattoo's but I felt it was something I had to do, so I did. 

50% off

Weight Watchers are having a 50% off sale my girlfriend messaged me so I came home from work today, hopped online registered and payed up for the 3 months. I sooooo have to do something…I am expanding more everyday. I am uncomfortable, my clothes don't fit and I am getting very depressed about it….which leads me to eat more !!! 
Meetings are on Thursday with the lovely Belinda who helped me get to my goal in 2007. Now at this stage I am not looking at any goals other than too lose weight and fit into my clothes, well the clothes I was wearing before Paul got sick. I am working tomorrow so I am going to the meeting tonight to get all the details so when next Thursday rolls around I should have a full week of being "on track" to weigh in.
I know its going to a hard journey this time, but just hitting that "register now" key on my computer today and paying to join did bring a sigh of relief. I can't do this on my own…tried and keep failing. All the failures have just led to me eating more….
I know my head is not in the right space for much lately, I cry at the drop of a hat,  I keep forgetting things, I am lethargic, I have so many things that need to be done but I can't summon the energy or I just can't be bothered.  Grief is horrible…losing Paul the way we did was horrible. Its so unfair. Its bought back memories of losing my brother, Ted's 2 brothers, Roses, my Dad, and all the others like Ted's cousin a few weeks before Paul in a truck accident, so many we have lost in all different ways and all before their time. Its sux. I know from all the losses we have had that time does heal to a certain extent but the pain never really goes away. Little things like the other day I walked passed a man who was wearing the same Old Spice after shave as Dad used to and the tears flowed again….
Anyways I am off to shower and get ready for meeting before I change my mind. 

Today….Tomorrow

Today Paul has been gone 4 weeks. 
His little family are really struggling….all in different ways. Tanya struggles every day with her own grief, and all the paperwork that has to be sorted and then has to deal with all the emotions the kids have too.  Its so unfair.
I was down there on Thursday and we all had a chat and cry together. My 2 doves flew in whilst I was there, how can they not be an omen.
Ted is okay as he can be, he doesn't say a lot but sometimes I see him stop and just look into space and the wipe away a tear. We try to talk about Paul (and Roses) and have a smile and sometimes a laugh at our memories.  
Tears still flow, I often wake up with tears on my face. Talking with Simon, Shawn and Kylee and they flow. Little things….
I wonder why this world has been so cruel to us. We just keep on losing.
The other kids are having their moments too. Simon has gone up to Onslow to work. Lots of memories up there for him, thats where he and Paul had a lot of their teenage and early 20's together, we lived up there for over 14 years.  No work down here for him, or not enough to support his family….the last 6 months he has had only casual work and they were getting behind….so he is working 20 days away, 10 days home. Shawn comes up to work and sees me for a chat when he can, he at least has stayed out of trouble, I prayed he wouldn't go off the rails as he has a tendency to do so when he gets upset… Kylee…she just wants to come home. 
My anxiety attacks seem to be under control….I've had one more since I saw the Dr and practised what he showed me to do and I was able to breathe through it. Scary much though..
My thoughts are all over the place, jumbled…trying to write whats on my mind but that keeps on jumping from one thing to another…just can't get it down.

Tomorrow its 14 years since I lost my beloved Dad..
Hope you are taking Paul fishing Dad.  xx

Some days ……

…….are better than others…
Work is so hard, putting on a "face" to the public, when inside all you want to do is go home. Meeting people you know is hard and of course they want to talk about Paul, his cancer, his funeral and that is hard. Harder still is when they just reach out and hug you …. then the tears just don't stop. 
Seeing Tanya and the kids is hard too, they are like us trying to be brave and carrying on as normally as  they can. Kids are all in different stages of grief…but Tanya is coping with them. Comfort comes when we are down there and the 2 doves that were there on the day of his funeral come visiting too , we have seen them every time we been there now.
We went out to a 60th birthday party on Saturday, the husband of one my friends. It was very quiet party, just a few of their close friends, none that Ted and I knew, though I did know one other lady. We didn't stay long, neither of us were in the mood for celebrating.  I had what I think was a "anxiety attack" whilst there, scared the heck out of us both. I just felt sick to the stomach, felt dizzy, my heart started racing, started sweating and as soon as I stopped sweating I started feeling okay again…I had one at work too the other day too. I am seeing the Dr today and will talk to him about this, hope its something I doesn't happen again. 
Hearing a song on the radio that was played at his funeral had me in a blubbering mess on the drive home from work yesterday….I had to pull over as I couldn't see...

Its back to work...

Not only has a huge part part of our lives gone, a  big big part of Tanya's life has gone too. 17 years of togetherness was nowhere near long enough for her. 
And 35years with the son of my heart was not long enough…and my dear husband has lost another child, his precious eldest child, his mate…45 years was nowhere long enough.

 This is Paul and his sister Rosemary, taken  a few months before she was killed in an accident in May 1996.
As we were preparing to leave to go to the crematorium on Friday two doves came and landed on the fence at Tanya's. The male just sat there and looked around at us all, and the female preened her feathers. We think this was an omen that Paul was with her as they sat there just preening and watching us for about 5 minutes, even as the kids ran around making noise. It helped sooth our broken hearts a little. 

This pic was taken on their last holiday together as a family…treasured memories for them all.
Our lives, everyone of us,  has a huge hole in it now…
Our only thing that does console us all is that he did not linger, the cancer is not causing him any more pain.  He fought…but lost the battle.

I go back to work heavy hearted tomorrow.

Thank you all for the lovely messages of sympathy. 

Goodbye...

Paul...

Our Paul passed away in the early hours of this morning peacefully. 

good days, bad days

Well, my week started real well…..I followed the filling and healthy plan to the letter for over a week…no mishaps whatsoever and felt really good. My clothes felt looser and I knew it was working and the weight was coming off.
THEN Paul collapsed and Tanya had to get the ambulance in to stabilise him and get him to hospital…and I hit a wall and the last 2 days I have been out of control. 
He had been feeling blahhhh since his Nanna's 90th and unfortunately as the week went on he got worse, he has trouble with food at the best of times but it got that way he was hardly eating at all, and his weight was getting too low.…so much so he couldn't have his "red devil" chemo on the Friday. 
But his haemoglobin levels are slowing getting back to where they should be after a few blood and iron transfusions so hopefully he may be able to get out of hospital this afternoon. 

I am not giving up…Paul hasn't….he ain't a quitter and nor am I 

August 30…Day 1

AND I will be doing this…...

every day 

When you've eaten too much and you can't write it down,

And you feel like the biggest failure in town,

When you want to give up just because you gave in, and forget all about being healthy and thin,

So what your're over your points a bit,

Its your next move that counts...

So DON'T YOU QUIT !

Its the moment of truth, its an attitude change

It's learning the skills to get back in your range.

Its telling yourself "You've done great up til now, you can take on this challenge and beat it somehow"

Its part of your journey toward reaching your goal,

You're gonna make it, just stay in control.

To stumble and fall is not a disgrace, if you summon up the will to get back in the race.

But, of the strugglers when losing their grip,

Just throw in the towel and continue to slip,

And learn too late when the damage is done, that the

race wasn't over....they could have still won.

Lifestyle change can be awkward and slow,

but facing each challenge will help you grow.

Sucess is failure turned inside out,

the silver tint in a cloud of doubt.

When you're pushing to the brink, just refuse to submit,

If you bite, you write it....

But

DON'T YOU QUIT !!

AND I WILL NOT QUIT

I started my new journey again yesterday….I have promised myself not to give in…for myself I need to do this. I had a good day and found it quite easy. 

I have weighed myself…recorded it…and will not weigh myself again till the end of September. Weighing weekly I think, no I know I would be tempted to treat myself….

Right..its onwards…to a healthier me. 

Happy 90th Birthday

Happy 90th Birthday Mum….we celebrated well, and I know you had the best day with lots of your family and closest friends.  

And I know Kylee enjoyed time with her brothers…especially Paul. 
Simon was unable to make it, 3 of his 4 kids had a gymnastics meet in Albany, place getters would be picked to go to YMCA gymnastics titles….and our Miss Zoe (and her 3 team mates) received a gold medal and get to go to the National titles. Would have been great to get a pic of the 3 boys and Kylee together though.

This was me in 2006 at this time of year, ….getting ready for the football grand finals. In 2016 I will be 60 and I so would like to be able to be able to look something like this again.
Since June 12th when we were told of Paul's diagnosis and prognosis I have really let myself go. I try to be strong, but I have been failing miserably. 
But standing in front of my bathroom mirror this morning trying to find clothes to fit me I realised I was not helping myself at all.
I turn 60 in February and that gives me over 5 months to get myself sorted out health wise. Its not going to be easy, I have to stop and think of me and my health. We have a hard road ahead of us but I have to find my strength and help Paul and his family fight this battle. 

And I need to be able to keep up with this little tyke too….and I can't do it looking and feeling as I do  now. 

Home Sweet Home...

Well we are back…

Did we enjoy ourselves…yes we did….but the whole time we were away we wanted to be home too.

I caught up with my gorgeous friend Rach, wish we could have had more time together but I am happy that she'll be here in April next year so it won't be 6 years between hullo's.  

And I met the lovely Anni…thanks Anni for catching up with us, you look amazing…but best of all, it was great to finally meet you, felt as I already knew you, just had to put a voice to the words is all. 

Hubby and I have both got grey while away, hubby had hardly any grey in his hair at all before we left, now they are everywhere. All from the stress of what

Paul was going through while we were away even though we left with with his blessing. We rang him weekly and he rang us too and he reported he had more good days than bad.
We know even if we had stayed home there would not be much we could do. Tanya goes to all Paul's treatments and when she needs support she has her mum and her sister's and some very good supportive besties.
We are left feeling helpless and wait for them to ask for any help. 

He has started on what they call "The Red Devil" chemo and he said it had knocked him for a six for a few days….and his hair started to fall out in huge clumps…

So he shaved it and his beard off…..

I am scared, so scared of what is too come. He has scans after his next lot of treatment to see if has made any impact on the cancer.

I have been hiding my head in food…and I have come back as heavy as what I was before I lost all those kilo's before our cruise. I am so ashamed of myself…I loathe what I have begun and hope I can find the strength to fight for me and my health again. 

I need some sleep….a busy few days coming up. This weekend we get to celebrate Ted's mum's 90th birthday…..and I have dear daughter and my precious wee William down too….something to smile about. We hoping Paul is well enough to join in the festivities. 

Off on holidays

 Next Tuesday as soon as I finish work hubby and I will be on the road. We are trekking across Australia stopping in most states to catch up with some of Ted's radio friends along the way, and also to catch up with some of my friends, some of those from inside my computer too I will be meeting for the 1st time too…. 

We are still struggling here, good days and bad days. 
Paul is hooked up to his chemo and again is having some good days and some very bad days. Saturday was a good day, Saturday evening and Sunday very bad. Monday better, today down again. But the fight back has begun….he is optimistic and we live in hope.

This holiday will give us a chance to put Paul's diagnosis to the back of our minds and concentrate on us for a few weeks. We are going to be away 5 weeks, but will fly home and leave 4x4 behind if we have too. 
As soon as we get back its to a big family gathering for Teds mum's 90th birthday, a big home open will be happening and a big cake with the big 90 on it.

Kylee will be driving down with my gorgeous wee man…can't wait to see him again. We talk on the phone often and FaceTime now and then but I  am hanging out to wrap him in my arms. Kylee wants to spend some time with her brother and her Nanna…and of course her mummy…..

Will see you on my return...

Good and bad days

 Some days are good, some days are bad. Sometimes I just want to go hide, other days I am just so darn angry with the world and have tantrums, other days I just cry. 
Trying to take it day by day and take care of us as we do need to live our lives to stay as healthy as we can….we are really going to need our strength later on. 
Trying to do healthy and filling still…very hit and miss at the moment…but I am trying. Can't remember what I weighed last week, I did track it on my E-tools on the ww site but because I have quit ww I no longer have access to that. Anyways I am 300g down from the last weigh in I had at a meeting….so I must be keeping it reasonably together. Today has been horrendous, I couldn't sleep last night, my brain just wouldn't shut down and I walked the floor till after 2am then had a crappy day at work….have over eaten to the max.
As I said my feelings and emotions are all over the place. Paul wants to keep things as normal as he can so thats what we are doing. He had his last lot of radiation for the moment, it is helping the pain in his back, and next week he starts chemo. He will be able to do that at home, as he will carry a cassette type pump that will pump it through the port he has had already fitted. 

                                                       Paul, taken early this year, he is now 30 kilo's lighter…having lost most of that in the last 8 weeks. 

Hoping….

Its a new day, another day of hoping that all will be fine….we have to hope.

I have had a bad week, been really struggling with my emotions, and me being me have hidden a lot of them by eating them. I have to try and stop that, have gained 1.2 kilo's this week. 

Son has had some radiation, has more today and he has been fitted with a port in his chest ready to start some chemotherapy…he will find out today when that starts. 


Our world has we knew it has been rocked. We are all struggling but doing our best to keep it together. We are a family…we are strong

Our world has been rocked….

And we are all going to need all the strength we can gather. 
Our eldest son has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Diagnosis of 6 to 12 months to live. 
Trying to make sense of all this. 
And try to carry on and be normal. Its all so new and not a lot of people outside of the family and closest friends know yet.
I am still working and we will still go on holidays as we planned. We will be back in time to help out his partner with his children as he does his chemo and radiation.
Can't understand why we have to suffer this pain, haven't we as a extended family already suffered enough?? 

Weigh in tomorrow…I wil add that in the morning. I have more reason to stay as healthy as I can, will need my strength to support my hubby and my family

Porridge..yep Chris I ate it. Yes, it was filling and kept me satisfied. Did I like it….mmm still deciding. 

Weigh in .5 loss.

Wowsers….

And the answer is me, me, ME !!

I have tried this once before but I just didn't get it. 
This time around, I am learning as I go…I have made a few bad choices, but on the whole I am finding it easy….and I am enjoying my food more and staying full longer.
Tomorrow I have a early start and on my breakfast break I am trying porridge for the first time since I was a kid. Everyone says its filling and tasty so I am going to give it go….can only try can't I? Used to eat it as a kid, I ate it then, so surely I can now…tomorrow morning I will know. 

I weighed this morning…and I have lost 1.9, and that was hopping off on and on the scales 3 or 4 times as I thought it had to be wrong. 
So I have 5 weeks to go before we head off on hols again… hopefully I can lose at least another 2 maybe 3 kilo's by then, BUT I am not putting any pressure on myself. I am just going to keep following this plan and get a few good long walks in. 

Nearly bedtime, a 4.30am alarm for me…but before I go just another thank you to Anni, without you telling me to give it a go heck knows where I would be,  I wasn't in a very good place for a while there. 

Feeling down….

Today I put my weight watchers on hold until I come back from my holiday. I have been so up and down with my weigh ins and my commitment to weight watchers. The weeks that I do really well haven't been showing any results and I have become so disheartened and have become "down" 
No, I haven't given up, I am going to keep on going…but on my own with the support of my good friend Deb and Anni.  
I, being so discouraged this past week went and saw my Dr as I was so down…and tomorrow I am having blood tests to see if my thyroid might be part of the problem, it was due for a check anyways. 

Anyways enough of that. 

This weekend I have had my son's kids stay over this weekend. The boys I picked up on the Friday after school and took them back Saturday afternoon and picked up their big sisters. They said they were staying 2 nights as Monday was a public holiday and had no school. Those kids deserve the treat, they don't get too much at home. Wish I could have them more. 
I took both the boys and the girls up to their great nanna for a visit…that made her days…she loves seeing them. 

And above is the latest from my littlest grandee…its getting cooler up in Carnarvon and the little man has too be rugged up in the mornings…isn't he just the cutest?

My goal my June as well