grrrrrrrrrrrrr

So much for prayers.....

Today was a complete and utter waste of my time!!! Court was adjourned till the 15/2 as Shawn didn't have legal representation....grrrrrr he was told last time he wouldn't need it today as it was a pre-sentence report!!! The magristrate made no mention of the report that Hannah gave to corrective services...actually NOTHING was said at all about corrective services. All she did other than ajourn till February was stipulate to Shawn he had better stay away from Hannah and her address.....NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER !!!!! Hope he listens coz I know they still communicating, if he doesn't and he is caught or reported being there it is jail...directly to jail...and that I am afraid is not going to help him. She had better listen to it too as she told me today that DCP had been there and have told her they will keep Kaleb in their care till he is 18 if she continues carrying on seeing Shawn. They are going to be keepin a close watch on her and will be questioning Skye. She better listen if she wants Kaleb back...she has to stop seeing and helping Shawn out. I do too.....but that will be easy if he stays in the mood he is in today, all this trouble he is having is all my fault....yep mine coz I gave birth to him !!!!! Shit if I knew he was going to be this much trouble I would never of had him !!!!!!!

Well lets hope my day improves....weigh in tonight....I will do an update with results then.

P.S. 7pm and just home from ww meeting....I weighed in and lost 2.2 kilo's , I real happy with that !!!

Tomorrow

....is another court day for Shawn, and I'll be going in for some support as I told him I would. He has rang me a few times in the last days and he has been good mood wise. Don't know if the message has sunk in or not as he hasn't asked for any money. I know he is very short of cash too as the last few days he has been in and out of emergency at the hospital with ulcer type sores on his elbow. He had to spend 2 hours the day before yesterday and yesterday on a drip getting antibotics into him. Due to the fact he has lost his healthcare card he had to pay full price for his scripts....apparently they didn't come cheap. Drs at emergency said he had cellutitis...and I guess living on the streets is not helping much either. I saw him yesterday briefly when I caught up with him to give him and gave him his mail...and soft touch that I am gave him a couple packs of cigs......and then left him.

He needs another car and he has asked me if I will keep my promise and help him out there some....I guess I may have too. But then again I am hoping it wont be necessary. Court tomorrow is for breaking his vro and being caught at Hannah's (re post 18/12).

Anyways apparently corrective servives have rung Hannah and asked her a whole heap of questions about what she would like for Shawn. She has told them she wants no charges pressed against him and no jail but please send him to rehab...pray along with me that the magristrate will do this.

Tomorrow night is weigh in too......

Back at it....

Tonite I went back to weight watchers and faced those demon scales.....I knew what they were going to read and I was prepared, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. From the 7th/12/09 to now I have put on 4.2 kilo's!! Now I am back on the wagon and doing really well.
And that is despite Shawn being a proper little a****hole. I am well and truly over that kid...well he's not a kid anymore, he is 28 years old this year. I went in to see him yesterday as he got on the booze and dope and had a big argument with the people he was staying with, was kicked out without his smokes etc....so being the soft touch I am I said I would buy him some more. But it will be the last time I help that kid, he has done his dash with me. I nearly thanks to him being argumentive and abusive cause a serious accident....I made a very silly driver error which could have caused myself and others serious trouble....thankfully it didn't. I was fined and lost 3 demerit points.
Tonight he was in the same mood.....yes I did see him, but just to give him back his phone and smokes he left in my car when he stormed off, and thats all I did. He was still moody, still not very agreeable....and did start ranting at me when I said no to him borrowing money as he had nowhere to stay the night, but I drove off leaving him standing there. He's on his own now, he tried ringing me a few times but I told him "no" again and hung up on him.....tough love is what I am trying as I just can't cope with the stress of him anymore.

Leave you with another pic Tanya took on the sly at Paul's 40th....me and my "sonshine" Simon.

Hubby and I, despite the look of us in the other pic in previous post above did have a very enjoyable night. We are happy...we are ok.

blah blah blah

mmmmm after my fall....and the bikkie barrel raid, I had another bad day. Sheeeeeeez I know I am doing it, but I still keep on self-sabotaging...grrrrrrrrrr

But once again I have got myself back on track...and on Monday evening I head back to my weight watchers meet. Not before time either the clothes are getting tight again so I guess most of the 1.8 I lost I have put back on again....

I have to be strong ... I havta do this ...

This is a pic of me and hubby that dear Tanya took on the sly at Paul's 40th....

grrrrrrrr

Had a real bad day yesterday......started well with me rushing out the door and slipping............."crash" down I went flat on my face and hurt my knee....bloody thing pained me all day while standing there at work.
Then to top it off....I had a bad menopausal night and raided the darn bikkie barrel twice....grrrrrrrrrrrrrr......and the knee too darn painful this morning to go walking!!!
Hope today goes better !!!!

Birthdays

Simon opening his pressies this morning. Paul at his party last night opening one of his pressies.

Today is my son Simon's birthday......he is 36

He, Tracey and the 4 grandies came down yesterday afternoon and unpacked all their gear ready for a overnight stay before we all headed down to Paul and Tanya's where Tanya had organised a surprise 40th birthday party for Paul. It's Paul's actual birthday tomorrow.

Paul had no idea the party was planned until a few hours beforehand, but still was not expecting so many people to turn up. All he was expecting was a few of his family arriving for a birthday dinner....surprise Paul...and Happy 40th Birthday.

This morning was great, I can't remember the last time Simon was actually with me for his birthday. I cooked a big bbq breakfast for us all then Simon sat down with his kids and opened all his pressies before they packed up and left. Would have loved them to stay longer but Ted and I are in the process of erecting a gabled roof outdoor patio so there were tools/materials and debris everywhere....not very child friendly and we wanted to get as much as possible done today. (The kids were getting in Ted's way and weren't listening to what they were being told in all the excitement of their overnight stay and Daddy's birthday.) Its going to be awesome when the patio is finished, heaps of extra room outside....just in time for all our visitors in March for Kylee's wedding.

Alls going well on the weight loss front....the scales are still heading downwards which is great, they show a 1.8 kilo loss since Boxing Day, so here's hoping that when I get to my weight watchers meet they have gone down more. I am eating a lot of meals cooked on the bbq and loving it, feeling a lot more satisfied too.

Not a lot of excersise this past week, my leg with the bad veins in it has been playing up plus work has been very busy and for some reason I was feeling more tired than usual so gave myself a few mornings off walking.

Happy New Year

Last night we went down the beach and met up with #1 son and family, had a few drinks and come home and had a cuppa and welcomed 2010 in.
Certainly hope its my year.....today is the beginning again.....ate and drank way to much yesterday but the determination is still there to win this battle and lose these dratted kilo's and get back to being comfortable with myself. To you all I am wishing you 365 chances to love, laugh and live your best year yet.

Boxing Day

This is the remains of Shawn's car....the one he bought out of his 1st pay a fortnight ago. Christmas morning at 1.18am he rang me and asked if I could come and pick him up as his car was on fire. I flew out to where he was....and between police and fire brigade reports it was after 3 am when I got home again. Shawn lost almost everything, he and the friend with him did manage to grab a few things before flames engulfed the car....but lost his money, documents in the glove box, some chrissy pressies. Not 100% sure of the cause but fire brigade said it started in the wiring behind the dash and in front of the motor. He was not insured. Below is Ted and I at Paul and Tanya's where we went for christmas lunch.....was sooooooo yummy too. Prawns, turkey, ham, fish, and lots of salads and very tasty fresh bread, plus pavlova for dessert. We had a fantastic and very pleasant relaxing afternoon with Ted's mum, his brother, Simon & Tracey and the 7 grandies. Shawn didn't join us, too interested in drowning his sorrows in booze I think, but he did come out and join us for a couple of hours and caught up with his brothers, neices and nephews but didn't stay for lunch.

Below is our gorgeous little Zoe with her chrissy present from us, she loved her rock & roll guitar....all the grandies are growing up so quickly. I took heaps of pics of them during the course of the day.....have Luke, our eldest grandchild coming down to spend time with his Dad tomorrow, looking forward to that...we don't see him very much.

And by the end of the afternoon...this little man (Mathew) had had enough....he was tired, grumpy and pouty!!! When we left in the late arfternoon he was having a very overdue nap!

Now its Boxing Day....and I have once AGAIN got myself back on track. Today is day one. I weighed myself this morning and I have put on just over 4 kilo's since my last ww weigh in on the 7th of this month !!! I got so down/depressed for awhile there so its a wonder it wasn't more. So far today its been good, started with a 75 minute "jabberwalk" with my walking buddy with us doing the hardest walk we know, lots of steep hills.....and since then have stuck 100% on my daily plan. I have 12 weeks till Kylee's wedding and I soooooo want to be trim and terrific for that.

Here we go again .... today I am more determined than ever.

Merry Christmas

To each and everyone of you I want to say thank you very very much for being such a wonderful support to me .... you all have have the special gift of listening and answered me with your hearts....thank you.


So here's wishing you all the happy things this special holiday brings.

MERRY CHRISTMAS xxx

An early christmas

.....for Shawn and his kids.

It was a great visit, the kids, all 4....Skye, Jaydene, Shayden and Kaleb were dropped off just after 11am....and we were told we were on our own, NO supervision by a dcp carer...just us for a whole 5 hours....they weren't picked up till after 4 pm !!!

It was fantastic.....hubby and Shawn got on well, they talked and laughed together, it was good to see, I was so happy.

Tanya bought her 3 kids out for an hour or so so all the cousins could play together.....phewwwwwwwww 7 kids all wanting attention at the same time...it was bedlam for a while. Ted's mum came out too, she had not seen Kaleb since he had been born 8 months ago. Jaydene loved her great-nanna and spent a lot of time chatting away to her and getting her to unwrap her candy canes!!

Saturday night we went out to Ted's work wind up, but we didn't end up staying there. Got there after 6pm (it was held out at the go-kart club) but it was still hot and humid...and the flies were horrendous!! Food was meat cooked up on a spit, but with the amount of flies hanging around we were worried about eating and competing with them, all of it was being catered outdoors....nahhh wasn't my idea of a pleasant meal. sStopped and spoke to a couple of Ted's work mates, but all they wanted to do was talk work...so we just looked at one another and said home ehhhh....and went! We drove around Bunbury having a sight see...then came home and cooked a quick and easy dinner and had a few drinks and relaxed....

Today has been hot and humid too, haven't achieved much at all today. Finished off a little christmas shopping, caught up on a few phone calls.....then late this arvo my "jabberwalk" g/friend and her hubby came around and we sat out under the shade of our big red gum tree and had a few drinks and nibbles and exchanged chrissy gifts.

yeahhhhhhhh its been a great weekend.

Friday....

and yay I have the day off!!!


I certainly need it, the last 2 days I have felt like I have been on a roller coaster ride....


Wednesday was a funny ole day at work...but one where I was made aware as to how much I was needed there. The shed manager/fork lift driver "spat the dummy" and walked out and Micheal (my boss) had to run the shed. He barked orders out to me to run the staff, barked out the orders that had to be done, hopped on the forklift and left me to it.
At arvo smoko he called me into the office and him and his wife Penne (who works in the office) thanked me and told me how much they appreciated me and ALL the work I do there...not just what I did today.
THEN I got the phone call that turned my night into nightmares. The call was from the police to say they had Shawn in custody after being caught at Hannah's...thus breaking the vro. The police had received a phone call informing them that Shawn was there and on arriving there caught him as he was backing the car out of her driveway and was thus arrested. We knew the phone call could have come from only a handful of people as Shawn had only just bought the car a few days before. Hubby was very supportive when I arrived home and told him about the phone call and took me into the police station to get Shawn's car keys to get his car off the street and leave a packet of cigs for him as we were not allowed to see him till he appeared in court the following day. The police told me then to expect Shawn to be sent to jail for 7 months as that was the sentence for breaking the vro for the 2nd time! Thus the nightmares I had that night!!
Yesterday I took time off work and went to the court for his sentencing ... thankfully Shawn had legal aide representation and she has kept him out of jail...for the time being at least. He has to appear in court at the end of January. While in court we found out it was Hannah's family that reported Shawn being there, Hannah is livid !! Anyway Shawn will be hearing from this legal aide lawyer and she is going to work with him/on him and get some his "problems" addressed.
So yayyyy I am happy, its Friday I have a day off, I have had a bad week come good, I am starting to feel better within.....and believe me I am counting my blessings.

One day at a time...

is how I am doing things at the moment.....its all I can do. I am really lost. Each day is a struggle to get throu, my job doesn't help, it is soooooooo boring and mundane and gives me too much time to think and that isn't helping. I hate the job, but love the people I work for and the freedom the fulltime/casual posistion I have there. Sometimes I wish I had left when I was going to last year....but I still there. I not qualified for much more anyways. Other than the fulltime guys that operate the machinery all the workers there are backpackers, mainly Korean, so I spend most of my day on my lonesome...guys are always out in the field, and the backpackers have very limited english. I wonder if it worth going to see my Dr....maybe I suffering some sort of depression.

Hubby and I are are over out "spat" .... things have gone on as thou nothing has happened, I haven't mentioned Shawn and nor has he. Will see what happens on Saturday when we have Shawn and the kids here, that will be interesting.....as after that visit we are meant to be going out to Ted's work christmas do.

Diet....mmmmmmmmm what diet??? Food seems to be my comfort at the moment. Just can't get it together and keep it together....think I might just wait till the christmas season is over and see if I can sort myself out then......

Feeling

I am feeling a little better today, had a long walk with my "jabberwalk" friend Deb, and we really did jabber. I am still teary, still feeling as thou I am not good enough...but I guess I will get better. Saw Shawn today...more drama's , but hell why should I be surprised, it always is. The drama's concern Hannah more than Shawn....everything has caught up with her too and emotions are running amok.
I love my man, he is my world, is my everything...the only thing we have ever had trouble with in our nearly 30 years together is his stubborness....if he don't want to do something, he won't. If we argue, he's not the sort to say he is sorry, just carries on as thou nothing has happened, argument forgotten, sometimes will bring me home a wildflower or something he spotted that he knows will appeal to me.
All I want him to do is to support me with Shawn...just be there for me when I fail again, coz that will be happen often with Shawn. Don't care if he has nothing to do with him, just want him to be there for me, doesn't has to listen to me, doesn't have to say "I told you so" , just be there to give me a cuddle and be aware of how I feel.
I have regained all the weight I lost in the past few weeks, this week has been a total disaster.....but you know what I just don't care, just another failure to add to my collection. Will try and walk in the morning and regain my routine again, but if I feel as tired and washed out as I have been this past week I won't.

Just can't do it anymore...

Just because I love my son, and can't turn my back on him....my hubby and I are fighting. Ted is such a hard man when he has made up his mind. He says while he is the way he is he wants NOTHING at all to do with him, he doesn't want to see him, look at him, listen to him. When he comes out here on Sunday he will not hang around, he's going out, won't even stay to see the grandies. He hates me for letting Shawn coming out here, can't stand the fact that I let him. He would divorce me if I knew how much I helped that kid....but I can't give up on him, I just can't !!! After a yelling spat at each other this afternoon which left me in tears and him wandering off to garden.....he has this evening come in and talked as thou nothing happened. Hannah rang me in tears earlier...and when I told him what was going on there (a spat with Shawn) he just said they were as bad as one another.....which they are !!!
Got some good news from Hannah today thou.....Skye comes home for good on Friday...and the Kaleb early in the new year....how good is that. Ted says they will stuff it up thou....
Shawn bought a car the other day, a cheapie but it goes and looks "soso" but he is so proud of it....Teds says he'll do something to it before the new year, prang it/trash it, drive it drunk ...honestly he just can't give the kid a little leeway, the same with his job...he recons he won't keep that! I know Shawn has hurt him, really hurt him but how can he just shut him out like that. How can he expect me to do the same.....
I have hit rock bottom....today has just put the icing on it..... I feel I am useless, a worthless mother, I hate me at the moment.....just want to curl up in a ball with my packet of choccie bikkies and cry some more.......

And again....

Have had another great week....thou been very tired, think I need a ""pick me up" !!! Menopause and those DRATTED hot flushes don't help.

Excersise has been really good...and I did manage to do my sit ups 4 out of the 7 days this last week. And I did do quite well at the bbq on Saturday night....I could have gone way overboard but I didn't! No drinks for me...I had to drive home, very early morning by the time we arrived home it was too.

I weighed in last night....100 gone grams !!! Then stooooooopid me had to go and have a mega "pig out" !!! Now I will have to work bloody hard to lose what I ate and drank to at least stay the same at next weeks weigh in ..... grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Had one of those yuk nights last night and slept in this morning so no walk .....

Heading out....

A beautiful day here today....lovely and hot, love it !!!

Been down to Busselton this morning, took Shawn and a friend of his and her 2 kids down for his access visit with his kids.....phewwwwww what a mess that was getting there!! They had a Ironman comp on there and traffic was diverted everywhere, little detours here and there, cars darting this way and that, people walking across roads watching the competitors and not their kids or where they were going....and me with NO navigation skills at all was totally lost !!! Luckily Shawn is like his Dad, only has to go to a place once and he can find his way there again.....so he got us out of the mess and found the re-scheduled venue. We were planning on the beach for the visit but thanks to the Ironman comp that was closed.

Now I am getting ready to head off down to Nannup....we have a surprise 60th birthday party to go too...looking forward to that, these people have been friends of Ted's since he was a teenager....top people and good company. Here's hoping I can keep myself on track tonight..its a bbq so I should ehhh. I am skipper and driving home seeing as I don't drink much so have packed plenty of diet coke.

mmmmmmm best head of and see if my denim skirt fits, looking at that pic of me with Skye I am beginning to wonder.....

Monday evening...

....and that means weigh in night. The scales were good to me, another 500 grams gone, and so it should be, I have worked hard this week to lose it. Unfortunately it is coming off slowly, but it I suppose to be expected seeing as my body has settled on and around this weight for the last few months. Darn weight is so easy to put on but so hard to get rid of !! It has settled on my stomach (see pic hubby took on Saturday in my rose garden) and thats where it usually does sit giving me those muffin tops!! My mission this week is sit-ups every night before bed.





Shawn is still working .... yayyyy!!!! He quite likes the job and the people he is working with so thats a bonus. His moods have been a lot better too....thou he still has had his moments!



I am taking him down to Busselton on Saturday morning to see his kids. Hopefully they will have them at the park on time for a change as hubby and I have a surprise 60th to go too that evening and have a couple of hours drive to get there....so it'd be nice to get back here in time to have a relax before hitting the road again.

Been doing a bit of organising for dear daughters wedding, have a friend of a friend that has agreed to do all the flowers, bouquets for us...things are all going along smoothly so far.....but guess as it gets closer I'll hit the panic button. March is going to be here before we know it !!

Sometimes......

Birthday cake time....... The birthday girl.....

....sometimes I wonder about that troublesome son of mine. Today we had a meeting with DCP regarding the care of his kids, was good they organised the meeting and let us have some input.....but geeeeee the couple I had today were very uncompassionate, I found them very unfeeling. I thought after they told Shawn there was no way he'd ever get custody of his kids while he was still using/boozing that he would lose it, he usually does when we say things like that!! Thats a reason too there is a bit of tension between me and hubby (Ted), he won't have anything to do with him anymore and doesn't think I should be there for him as much as I am. Anyways Shawn took what they said well....and here's hoping he'll start thinking about those kids more than he does about himself.....he really is a selfish man! Actually he was quite good company today. I had the day off work for the DCP meeting...plus catching up on some much needed errands.

Weigh in tonight.....lost 500grams....at long last the scales are going down, slowly !! I have had a great week again....lots of walking, planning and tracking so hopefully another good week coming up.

Saturday I took Shawn down to Busselton for his access visit....a lovely couple of hours and it was great that we were there to help celebrate Skye's 6th birthday.

Some good news....

yayyyyy some good news, for a change regarding Shawn.

He rang me today to say he might have a job.....was going for a interview/induction this evening....then he rang this evening to say he had the job !!!

He starts work tomorrow at 6pm and works till 2am....NOW lets hope he stops using that dreaded weed AND keeps this job.

What a relief this job will be, hopefully it will keep him away from his "mates" ..... now he needs to find himself somewhere to live.

Beginning of my challenge...

Have a day off today.....so going to go looking for a pair of jeans just like those I am wearing above...loved those jeans, they made me feel good. I want to feel as good now as I did then....I working on it !!!
I weighed in last night and I was 2oograms up on what I weighed in at 2 weeks ago...but then I lost the plot for a week and although I have had a really great week this week obviously it wasn't enough. A little disappointing but heyyyyy I can deal with it. A good blogger friend is dealing with a hell of a lot more and my heart aches for you A
Not much else is happening in my little world....Shawn is still a pain in the backside. Took him down to Busselton on Saturday for his his access visit with his kids....they had a ball with him. Next weekend we are off down there again as Skye, his eldest, has her birthday and will be turning 6.
Been for a long walk this morning and hoping for another great week.